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We Asked Dallas Comics To Roast The Short-Lived Dallas Landmark — But The Damn Thing Came Down Before We Could Post Their Burns, So The Joke’s On Us.

Earlier this week, Dallas was brought to its knees with the news that the city’s delightfully meme-able Leaning Tower of Dallas had finally crumbled after a 15-day run in the sun.

After resisting initial implosion and continued demolition efforts over that stretch, it was a bit of a shock to hear on Monday afternoon that Dallas’ cherished new landmark and adored (if short-lived) mascot had so suddenly met its fate — especially when those working to bring it down had gone on the record just a few days prior and reversed their initial underestimates about the structure’s stability by saying that they believed their renewed process could take “weeks” to complete.

Shame on us for taking these — or any — contractors at their word on how long their work might take, but we actually believed that the Leaning Tower of Dallas would continue standing well past the point that it actually did.

How much so? Well, reveling in the public’s affection for the Elevator Shaft That Wouldn’t Fall, we committed ourselves to a number of additional pieces on it — including this piece here that you’re reading right now, in which we share the best burns we received after reaching out to the local comedy scene and asking them to mock the Leaning Tower of Dallas.

Back when it was still standing like some beloved Francis Scott Key anthem’s subject, the idea was that we’d compile these jokes into an all-out roast of the Leaning Tower of Dallas. The logline for this concept: If construction crews can’t topple it, maybe Dallas’ top comedians can chip in and contribute to the cause by taking it down a few pegs.

With the tower now firmly planted in Dallas’ past, and no longer in its present, we’ll  concede that roasting the tower might feel on the surface a little bit like kicking someone while they’re (literally) down.

But, in the world of comedy anyway, there still remains no higher honor than being roasted by the best in the business — and, that in mind, we’re going to proceed and share these cracks just the same, albeit now in more of a memorial sense.

We think this is what the tower — or at least its Twitter account — would’ve wanted.

Without further ado, let’s get to roasting.

Scott Crisp

A huge, white, slouching pile of shit that no one can seem to get rid of? Are we roasting the Leaning Tower of Dallas or my mother in law?!

Seth Cowles

The developers should’ve hired the demo team that was used on that house over off Lower Greenville. Would’ve been the wrong building, sure — but it would’ve been gone.

Madeline Teig

The Leaning Tower of Dallas is holding up stronger than most of my relationships.

Wes Corwin

When shown a picture of Leaning Tower of Dallas, residents of Garland replied “Wait, you mean all buildings don’t look like that?”

Adam Hernandez

As rent continues to rise, people are being forced to live lean.

Paul Varghese

If you told the City of Dallas that this was low-income housing that was gonna be replaced with a SoulCycle, they would’ve toppled it by now.

Greg Katopody

This is Dallas’ most embarrassing public implosion since the last time the Cowboys were in the playoffs.

Aaron Presley

It’ll be a sad day when the tower comes down. I’ll have to turn off the Facebook live feed and go back to hearing about my girlfriend’s day.

Scott Crisp

Hey, Leaning Tower of Dallas: My teenage son called. He wants his posture back!

Tom Smith

Oh, look: A Perot Museum that regular people can afford.

Seth Cowles

I love the Dallas Mavericks’ new City Edition logo:

Bobby Friske

Fixer upper lofts, $2200/month.

David J. Diaz

The leaning building’s mother is such a whore.

Tom Smith

You won’t see buildings in Fort Worth leaning that far left.

Zachary Sprung

This tower leans harder to the right than a redneck on food stamps without any healthcare.

Greg Katopody

This building triggered more disgusting selfies than the body positivity movement.

Anna Barden

We can tell this building is male because it refuses to go down.

Seth Cowles

Weren’t they supposed to consult a doctor after it was still up for longer than four hours?

Gaye Badgwell

Finally, something more crooked in Dallas than city council!

Mason King

Finally, some good lean outside of Oak Cliff.

John Walden

Rolf Nelson

When you miss that four-line Tetris clear by one row.

A Paranoid Comic Who Asked That Their Name Not Be Used

This thing is harder to take down than John Wiley Price.

Gloria J. Thomas

Seriously! A couple of benzos and a shot of Jack, and this would be over.

Aman Chopra

Italians: “Texas has no culture.”
Dallas: “Hold my pizza.”

Sibb Shady Razz

Can’t they just run a plane through it?

Zachary Sprung

This tower has taken longer to fall than our democracy.

Dane Robertson

Tap me on the forehead and see if I fall over.

Ryan Vicksell

This thing is about as close to the Leaning Tower of Pisa as the Olive Garden is to actual Italian food.

Sam Leal

I’m surprised that Lloyd D Nabors Demolition’s Facebook page isn’t really blowing up over not being able to tear this building town — but, then again, they aren’t known for blowing up all the way.

Tom Smith

In this business, it’s about how you hold up after you’ve bombed.

James Wallace

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