Do Anything For Selenas.

Have you finally given in and checked out the totally unnecessary Adventure Time porn parody yet? If not, maybe don't bother. There's no reason to watch Princess Bubblecum and Whoreceline give Jerk the Human a very inappropriate 18th birthday gift.

Not that it doesn't go without saying, but there's literally dozens of better ways to spend 25 minutes of your free time this weekend than jerkin' it to an existential children's show.

Like, here's a whole bunch of them. — Cory Graves

Friday
Cut Chemist at Gas Monkey Live
Along with DJ Shadow, Cut Chemist has weaved his way into the fabric of Dallas' rich history. To wit: In 1970 Dallasite Tom Merriman, who was one of the original owners of the KLIF radio station, as well as the writer of the first radio jingles recorded in Dallas and the founder of oldest jingle company still in operation (now called TM Century, Inc.) composed a 45 for 7-Eleven called “Dance the Slurp,” that was given away with Slurpee purchases that year. In 1999, that hard-to-find record was sampled by DJ Shadow & Cut Chemist on 1999's Brainfreeze mix. Oh but there's more: The term “BrainFreeze,” we should point out, was first coined by 7-Eleven in 1994. — CG

Grand Opening at Lola's Trailer Park
More than a year ago, Lola's Saloon broke ground on an expansive back patio project that saw the addition of a huge outdoor stage, food trucks, a second bar and a parking lot. Now, after a couple of soft-opening shows to work out the kinks, The Unlikely Candidates and Leopold & His Fiction are ready to finally mark the official grand opening. — CG

Dallas Comedy Festival at Dallas Comedy House
The Dallas Comedy Festival is an annual event showcasing the best of improvisation, sketch comedy and stand-up around Dallas and the country. This year's headliners will be The Katydids, the creators and stars of the TV Land show Teachers. Also headlining are Ithamar Enriquez, a comedian who has been on several shows including Arrested Develpment and The Office, and Frank Caeti, a comedian who has performed on Mad TV and several other shows. It runs all weekend long. — PW

Tequila Dinner at Enchiladas
Three courses of delicious Tex-Mex paired with four Tequilas. RSVPs are recommended, and for good reason; it's all for under $16. Dios mio. — CG

The Elephant Man at Inwood Theatre
If that singer from The Barnaked Ladies had a million dollars, he'd buy John Merrick's remains. And if you're at all curious why he — and, let's not forget, Michael Jackson, too — wanted to buy all them crazy elephant bones, look no further than this 1980 classic. — CG

“Anything for Selenas” Art Show at Oak Cliff Cultural Center
“Anything For Selenas” is an art show dedicated to the memory of Selena Quintanilla-Perez, referred to as the Queen of Tejano music. It's part of a tribute weekend to her memory, and will feature works of art in a variety of mediums in tribute to her. The event will feature music by DJ Mutemor of the faded Deejays. — PW

CRISP at RBC
After all the music fests in Dallas and Austin, you'd think people would be ready to take a break, chill out and read a book. Not so. RBC is hosting a show called CRISP, which is labeled as the Recovery Show. But who can recover with Outfit, TX in the house? They boast some of the most live beats in the DFW, and have gritty ambition in spades (see the group's short film Burning Trees). Also, on the bill is the do-it-all rapper and producer Jayson Lyric along with Thatkidcam in his new group, Cure for Paranoia. There are interesting backstories to all of these musicians, which is all the more reason to check it out. — Roberto Aguilar

Sugar Free: Louis the Child + MELVV at Red Light Lounge
Sugar-Free is a new monthly party put on by PRIME that will feature the tasty sounds of local talent, nostalgic videogames and, of course, adult beverages. This month, Louis the Child will set up shop playing some video game inspired chillwave-trap-hop that really just sounds like candy and plastic toys from Japan. That's a good thing! The special guest for the night will be MELVV. For something named Sugar Free, this seems like a pretty sweet show. — RA

Gallery Improv Night: The Season Jazz Ensemble at CentralTrak
On Friday, the older and wiser CentralTrak will host a jazz band called The Season, whose performance will be a reaction to the artworks of Angelika Trojnarski, which are currently on display at the gallery/artist residency/non-culture website. — CG

“Takin' It To The Roots” at South Dallas Cultural Center
“Takin' It To The Roots” is a phenomenal and emotional dance performance created by Michelle Gibson who is the resident choreographer at the Ashe Cultural Arts Center in New Orleans. The performance will feature live and original music by Brent Nance and Jason Davis. The Kicking Brass Band, Lin Barnett and Alejandro Perez will help to round out the New Orleans sound for a one-of-a-kind performance. — RA

Patty Griffin at Granada Theater
Griffin is probably best known as a songwriter — her songs have been covered by the likes of Emmylou Harris and The Dixie Chicks among others — or as the sideman/love interest of Led Zeppelin frontman Robert Plant's Band of Joy reboot. That's a shame, too, because Griffin's barebones songs are well-crafted, tactfully-delivered gems in their own right, and worthy of more effusive praise or attention than her dating history has received in recent years. Sarah Watkins and Anais Mitchell open. — CG

Pearl Earl, Field Guide, Monk Children, JustNLongorio at Spinster Records
Spinster Records has a knack at showcasing the most intriguing local and up-and-coming talent, this show will be no different. Monk Children play a sludgy, no frills instrumental rock that sounds like stretching rubber bands over and over until they snap. Justin Longorio and EV are some silly so and so's. He slurs through a caustic curtain of drum loops while she plays a distorted raunchy guitar, a real Bonnie and Clyde committing sonic crimes. Field Guide is quickly becoming one of Dallas' favorite dream-pop band, while Pearl Earl is easily one of Denton's best bands psych or otherwise. These three girls and a dude know how to party right. — RA

Anders Osborne at Gas Monkey Bar N' Grill
Swedish-born New Orleans bluesman Anderes Osborne brings his virtuosic approach to ye ol' Gas Monkey. Get you some of that. Sister Sparrow & The Dirty Birds opens. — CG

Fear Factory at Trees
The '90s thrash icons continue rolling on with frontman Burton Bell and whatever hard-rocking scabs he's got with him this time around. Soilwork, Rivethead and The Crimson Veil are also along for the ride. — CG

Texas Music Revolution at Oak Point Park
Two years ago, the City of Plano invested $500,000 of taxpayer dollars to throw the inaugural Suburbia Music Festival with a little help from Live Nation. Even with a pretty decent lineup featuring David Guetta, Alabama Shakes, J. Cole, Yelawolf, Run the Jewels and a few dozen more spread out across a two-day run, the fest only drew about 20,000 folks or so, causing Live Nation to take the Suburbia name and run. Now, after taking some time off, Plano's Oak Point Park is looking to get back into the festival game — only this time with much lower expectations. As reported by the Dallas Morning News, the City of Plano is teaming up with KHYI-FM The Range and its Metro Broadcasters-Texas Inc. parent company this weekend to relocate the long-running Texas Music Revolution festival to the park from its previous home at Southfork Ranch. Lee Ann Womack, Chris Knight, John Moreland and several others perform on the first night of the now two-night deal. — CG

Tinashe at House of Blues
Though plenty of folks have taken to calling her the next Janet Jackson, child actor-turned-pop-singer Tinashe oft talks about being underappreciated. So go show her some love, OK, and get familiar before her sophomore record drops in the coming weeks. — CG

Screen Printing Class at Printed Threads
If you've ever come to one of our parties early enough to snag one of the limited run commemorative T-shirts, you know the fine craftsmanship of our buds over at Printed Threads. This weekend, and a few scattered dates thereafter, they'll be hosting professional level screen printing classes. If you wanna up your DIY merch game, you gotta learn from the best. — CG

Saturday
LOGIC at The Bomb Factory
Straight from 100 years in the future is time-traveling, sci-fi-loving singer/rapper Logic, who will share his incredible true story with the lucky 4,000 that managed to snag tickets to this one before they sold out. Dizzy Wright opens. — CG

Local Brews and Local Grooves at House of Blues
The fact that Dallas has no shortage of music festivals and craft beer-related events won't faze the folks that will no doubt pack the House of Blues on Saturday for the venue's third Local Brews, Local Grooves affair. Featuring local performers of various genres and beers from some 20 local breweries — plus the requisite local artisans on hand, selling their merchandise — there will be a lot to hear, see and taste. — Javier Fuentes

Hugen Hoso at Three Links
Mugen Hoso is a punk band from Tokyo, Japan. But they sound exactly like an American punk band: The drums are hard, the guitar is loud, and you can't understand what the singer is saying. This is the last of the band's three-night Metroplex tour, too, so catch them while you can. — PW

Mural Tour and Stencils Class at Life in Deep Ellum
Like any good mural, there's lots of layers to this thing. The class will explore 10 murals Jerod Davies has painted in Deep Ellum during a one hour walking tour. Then the class will head to Davies' studio in Expo Park for a begginers stenciling lesson. The class is limited to 25 spots, though, so click the link and buy a ticket in advance. — CG

Dead to a Dying World at Deep Vellum
Rarely do you find sites with names like “Angry Metal Guy” ever agreeing on anything with the folks at NPR. Yet, in 2015, the Dallas metal band Dead to a Dying World managed to establish a common ground between these poles. One possible reason? The fact that metal is probably too lazy a descriptor for the epic, viola-laced symphonic sludge that this outfit cranks out. In October, the band released its six-song sophomore effort via Gilded Media — a collection that kicks off with the 17-minute masterpiece of chaos that is “The Hunt Eternal.” For all that length, there's no mistaking that every last note of the hectic onslaught is a calculated one. Double bass and screaming vocals are juxtaposed over soothing strings, then give way to bigger half-time chunks featuring a sweet choral of vocals. It's an ever-alternating switch between tension-building and -release. This weekend they continue their dichotomous existence with a performance in a book shop. War Party and Thin Skin will play, too. — CG

Brave Combo: Playing Music from True Stories at Fred's
Leveraging the success of the 1984 Talking Heads concert film Stop Making Sense, David Byrne was given creative control over the package of quirky, loosely connected vignettes and oddball music numbers that made up the 1986 cult film True Stories — a movie more famous these days for its Talking Heads soundtrack that featured the hit song “Wild Wild Life.” Around here it's a bit more revered, though, because, well, it's steeped in Dallas lore. Aside from adapting a script co-written by an SMU grad, Byrne filmed much of the thing in Dallas and its surrounding suburbs, including major portions at NorthPark and other portions at Mesquite's Big Town Mall (RIP). McKinney's town square and some nondescript Irving businesses were also utilized, among others. Of course, we're burying the lede. Brave Combo is gonna play that locally-recorded soundtrack live and in person at Fred's. True story. — CG

Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend Burlesque at Texas Theatre
The Texas Burlesque Peepshow is back at it again, this time with so much glitz and sparkle you might need sunglasses. Wait, don't. That's a terrible idea. You'll miss all the sensational action. For one, Perle Noir will be headlining this event. She has been named to the Top 5 best burlesque performers across the world three years in a row by the 21st Century Burlesque Magazine. Yeah, she's kind of a big deal. Plus, you can't miss all the rest of the musicians, drag performers and other burlesque dancers. That would be a dire shame. — RA

One-Year Anniversary at JM Gallery
JM Gallery opened last March and, thankfully, has gone strong for one year. Anytime that something you have created lasts for one year, it's a big deal and an affirmation of your efforts. The JM Gallery has put together outstanding shows of mainly local and regional artists who work in all types of media from painting and sketching to sculpture and watercolor. Yet, as the world turns, so does the featured art in the gallery. The work of Diana Antohe and Michael Sutton will be on display in a show called Illumination. Petra Wine, Lakewood Brewing and Proof + Pantry will provide all the goodies. — RA

Kevin Aldridge & The Appraisers, Darth Vato, Jake Robison at Magnolia Motor Lounge
Kevin Aldridge & The Appraisers have a sound that seems like it's been drenched in cigarette smoke, pounded by boot heels and twirled around on a floor of sawdust. They may be a younger band, but they play music wise beyond their years. And they're releasing a new single at this show. Steve Steward, Jordan Richardson and Justin Pate's old punk/ska/surf rock outfit Darth Vato is reuniting for this one, too, along with the crooning and poignant Jake Robison in the opening slot. — RA

Gary P. Nunn at Live Oak Music Hall
Gary P. Nunn started what we now know as the progressive country scene, first starting back in the '70s in Austin. He's best known for “London Homesick Blues,” the theme song for the TV show Austin City Limits. See him this weekend over in the Fort Worth city limits. — Diamond Victoria

The Music Of Led Zeppelin: A Rock Symphony at Verizon Theatre
Sure, Led Zeppelin's “Kashmir” features an orchestra, but wouldn't you like to hear that full and bombastic sound on all of their songs? Well, here's your chance. Conductor and arranger Brent Havens has put together an epic concert showcasing the inimitable music one of the world's best bands ever. A full rock band led by singer Randy Jackson of Zebra will be backed by The Dallas Pops, an entire 50-piece orchestra, to help bolster the unforgettable songs of the Zep. —RA

Burning Hotels, The Misteries at Lola's Trailer Park
The Burning Hotels are one of the premiere darlings of Fort Worth, and will be joined by another North Texas favorite band, The Misteries. The Burning Hotels are a one-stop-shop for your pop-punk electronica akin to Neon Indian and MGMT, which Hotels calls “sex wave.” The duo has been playing music since 2011 and has been touring with the likes of Ladytron and Surfer Blood. The Misteries will be joining the show and hopefully will talk more about their favorite plug, “Green Man.”Roberto Aguilar

Art Fungus at The Shotgun
The Shotgun is a brand new, fresh and shiny art space in the Cedars. Their very first show is put on by the art collective called Art Fungus, which features work from a long list of local talent: Thor Johnson, Jason Cohen, Robert Chad Cook, Andy Don Emmons, Clay Stinnett, Erik Schuessler, and Jermy Elizabeth Johnson. The art looks like it stems from drawings, doodles, collages, photography and paintings. It's very organic indeed. — RA

Caterpillars, Red Like Heat at The Foundry (Free)
You know, emo is still pretty cool. All manifestations of it, screamo, math rock, hardcore, etc., are still very much a part of our collective musical tastes. Caterpillars are really, really good at this whole emo thing. They've got a Braid/Cursive thing going on that is very infectious. Red Like Heat are a bit more subdued, but very good at enveloping the listener in their entire sound. Check out this show if you're still okay with all things 2004. And fried chicken! — RA

“┬ípaintingdebt” Pop-Up at 211 S. Peak
In 2012, Moreno graduated from the prestigious Rhode Island School of Design. Aside from a shiny new degree, the university also sent him off with a nice $41K debt. Hence his plan to sell enough $100 paintings at pop-up shows like this one to clear his debts. — CG

Texas Music Revolution at Oak Point Park
Stoney LaRue, Mike Ryan, Zane Williams, The O's and tons more perform on the second night of this Texas Music festival. — CG

Foxing at Gas Monkey Bar N' Grill
St. Louis' Foxing make the kind of '90s emo/post hardcore that's still a guilty pleasure for plenty of folks. Given its members' backgrounds as film students, the band's learned to add just enough cinematic flourish to its craft so that you won't have to feel all the guilty for attending this one. After opening for The World Is A Beautiful Place And I Am No Longer Afraid To Die at this same venue back in November, they return as headliners this time around. — CG

“Anything for Selenas” After-Party at RBC
You've been to the Selena art show, you've competed in the annual Selena look-alike contest at Country Burger, and now it's time to jam out to the Queen of Tejano, as Faded Deejays and DJ Sober spin her cuts all night long. — CG

Wild Beats Festival at The Wild Detectives
The Wild Detectives is turning two, and is partying all damn month about it. Rising to become Dallas' literary center in such a short time affords one such rights. This electronic music festival is part of those celebrations. Ronnie Heart, Jah Born & Big Texas, A Sol Mechanic, Sudie and Tempranillo all perform. — CG

Glamorama's Five-Year Anniversary at Beauty Bar
Turns out, I'm not the only one celebrating a birthday this weekend! We've also got the five-year anniversary of Blake Ward's Glamorama weekly happening this Saturday night, too. Helping him celebrate is a predictably excellent lineup of local DJs. Come out to hear Blake, Yung Wave, Colly T, Christy Ray, Keith P and several more. Plus, see Central Track fave Blue, the Misfit act as the event's hype man. I know we'll be dancing right alone. You'd be lame to not join in. And, trust me, I won't be the only one thinking so. It'll make the capper on the perfect date night. — Hannah Steiner

Egg-Stravaganza at Texas Ale Project
This Easter Eve, Texas Ale Project is opening up its brewery for an adult Easter egg hunt. The EGG-Stravaganza will feature prizes hidden around the taproom and beer garden, along with games, firkins of T.A.P. brews and food from The Tamale Company. The event takes place from 1 to 9 p.m., and it sounds quite eggs-cellent. — Porttia Portis

Sunday
Three-Year Anniversary Party at Martin House Brewing
They make beers named after the Toadies, they make beers inspired by things like salsa and breakfast cereal, and their Gateway Blonde is about the best thing you can drink after medium-long bike ride. And now Martin House is turning three. Right on Easter Sunday and everything. They've got no fucks to give, just lots and lots of delicious beer samples. — CG

Dalton Domino, Matt Hillyer at The Live Oak
William Clark Green has been hailed as Red Dirt's next big for so long that his critically hailed 2015 disc, Ringling Road actually has a song called “Next Big Thing.” As such, he's personally passed that “next big thing” torch onto, Lubbock-sprung southern rocker Dalton Domino. Can't argue there. Eleven Hundred Springs frontman Matt Hillyer also performs. — CG

All Pharrell Everything at Crown and Harp
Get happy, because Blue, the Misfit is spinning all Pharrell everything, from the Neptunes to songs he ripped from Marvin Gaye and everything between. — CG
Easter Sunday at Your Mom's House
Say hi to ya mother for me. — CG

Cover photo by Mikel Galicia.

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