Recently, an Australian man disregarded the group of sharks he saw circling in nearby waters then climbed atop the floating whale carcass they were gnawing on.
The reason he gave Australian media for his foolish exploits? One of his pals “thought it'd be pretty funny if [he] surfed the whale.”
Because that's a great reason to plan one's future moves, isn't it?
Well, unlike your ne'er-do-well friends, we won't definitively tell you what you should totally do tonight, bruh. Rather, we've laid out several options so you can take the path of your own choosing. — Cory Graves
Ms. Lauryn Hill at South Side Ballroom Update: In perhaps the least surprising news of all time, Hill has postponed this show to be rescheduled at an as-yet-undetermined date. — CG
In 2008, Lauryn Hill's husband Rohan Marley made a bold statement about the singer, stating that she had enough material saved up for seven albums. “She writes music in the bathroom, on toilet paper, on the wall. She writes it in the mirror if the mirror smokes up,” Marley claimed. Perhaps if Ms. Hill could figure out a more long-lasting method of saving lyrics, she'd have released more than one studio album in the last 16 years. Perhaps she'll remember a few of these tunes enough to perform them tonight at the South Side Ballroom tonight, though.
Tuesday Night Trash: The Humanoid at Texas Theatre
Released in 1979 — or a year before Robert Ludlum's first Jason Bourne novel –this piece of schlocky Italian sci-fi also involves the development of a chemical capable of creating a race of super soldiers. Sadly, this intergalactic tale lacks the special effects wonder of Doug Liman's Bourne movies. Of course, at Tuesday Night Trash, that's kinda the whole point. — CG
Harold and Maude at The Magnolia
This cult favorite '70s romantic black comedy centers around a death-obsessed youth named Harold, who engages in a romantic relationship with the 79-year-old Maude. Among the taglines used to advertise the film during its original run? “They will defy everything you've ever seen or heard about screen lovers!,” “They were meant to be. But exactly what they were meant to be is not quite clear,” and, best of all, “They met at the funeral of a perfect stranger. From then on, things got perfectly stranger and stranger.” — CG
Pat Benatar and Neil Giraldo at Verizon Theatre
Be you a heartbreaker, a dream-maker or a love-taker, you'll want to be at the Verizon Theatre tonight. Not only is rock legend Pat Benatar ringing in the 35th anniversary of the song from whence that bit of lyrics came, but she's also celebrating her marriage to guitarist Neil Giraldo, who has written and produced much of Benatar's catalog over the years. John Waite, whose tunes Giraldo also produced, opens. — CG
The Briefs, The Applicators, PEARS and Blank-Men at Three Links
A decade ago, punknews.org called Seattle throwback punks The Briefs, “the greatest band ever.” They meant it, too. The Buzzcock's-esque, anarchy-driven rabble-rousers have been dormant for a couple years, but thanks to this weekend's Fun Fun Fun Fest, they put the old band back together for a handful of shows all across Texas. — CG
Rural Alberta Advantage at Dada
The Canadian indie-folk trio's previous two albums have won its country's top music awards, thanks in part to an emotional depth and its players' ability to sonically capture both the majesty and the vastness of their homeland's terrain. Or something like that. The band released its much anticipated third LP via Conor Oberst's Saddle Creek label at the end of September, and promises to whip out a bunch of new tunes from that one at this show. July Talk opens. — CG
Fuckface Unstoppable at Curtain Club
Bam Margera has been in the public eye for a long time now, starting with the popular CKY video series featuring him and his friends performing pranks and promoting their skateboarding efforts. The attention and success from that series, as we all know, then led to the crew joining the now-infamous MTV show Jackass. Later, Margera even earned his own spinoff of that effort, a series called Viva La Bam. So, basically, Margera's seen it all and done it all — except, perhaps, starting a music group that crosses every genre under the sun from punk to metal to rap and even dubstep with a bunch of his friends. Oh, and embarking on a tour of the world while playing songs with such titles as “That's Why I Fucked Your Mom” and “Bend My Dick.” Hence tonight's show. — Mikel Galicia
Thousand Foot Krutch at Trees
Thousand Foot Krutch has had to overcome a lot in its nine years together — most of which center around the fact that they're often described as Canada's Christian rock answer to Limp Bizkit. It's a miracle they're still together, really. — CG
Timeflies at House of Blues
Last summer, Brooklyn hip-hop duo Timeflies was featured on a BuzzFeed list entitled “19 Reasons Timeflies Needs To Be Your New Favorite Band.” To save you the perils of visiting that site, we'll give you the takeaways: Cal Shapiro and Rob “Rez” Resnick are both quite physically attractive, Rez began producing at age 12 and Shapiro does that whole Astronautalis-freestyle-from-audience-suggestions bit. Whatever the duo's appeal, it seems to be working in its favor, as Timeflies managed to beat Taylor Swift out of the No. 1 albums slot on iTunes last year even before inking its record deal. — CG
To find out what else is going on today, this week and beyond, check out our events page.