Remembering The Lives Of Texas Chute Out, Fedoras, Lance Armstrong's Integrity And More.
Each week, dozens of memes, trends and pop culture items die quiet, unceremonious deaths. We'd like to publicly give these dead trends the proper memorials they deserve. Then, we kindly request that we never speak of them again.
Texas Chute Out
Texas Chute Out, 36, was shot on October 10, 2012. Knowing his end was near, Texas Chute Out lived out his final days in Good Times Square to the fullest — until he finally went out with a bang last Wednesday. Typically an overly cautious sort, he is able to rest peacefully knowing he finally got to jump without a proverbial chute for once in his life. Texas Chute Out is preceded in death by grandmother Spee-Lunker's Cave, father Texas Cliffhanger, mother Casa Magnetica and a cousin, Spinnaker. He is survived by nephew Superman Tower Of Power and grandfather Oil Derrick Observation Tower.
Popeye's Rip'n Chick'n
Popeye's Rip'n Chick'n, six months old, kicked the bucket on October 13, 2012. Though she was frequently teased for being a little different, Popeye's Rip'n Chick'n was blessed with a thick skin that allowed her to keep a positive outlook. Nicknamed “The Bloomin' Onion of Poultry,” PRC always tried to be a handy sort, doing everything she could to make the lives of those around her that much easier. Popeye's Rip'n Chick'n was preceded in death by her grandfather The KFC Double Down and her father Burger King Chicken Fries. She is survived by a son, Popeye's Dip'n Chick'n, and her great grandfather, Rip Taylor.
Born in 1891, Fedoras entered his final resting place on October 12, 2012. Brimming with life in his early days, Fedoras became popular in the prohibition era thanks to his slick demeanor and powerful homebrews. Still, as a man of endless charm, Fedoras never met a cop he couldn't sweet talk. Though he began to tarnish his classy image by associating himself with the douchebag set late in life, Fedoras still managed to go out on top. Fedoras was preceded in death by parents Derby and Bowler Hats, cousins Frank Sinatra and Tom Landry, and nephew Jason Mraz's Relevance. He is survived by his uncles Flat Caps and Indiana Jones, and his sons Knit Caps and Johnny Depp.
Lance Armstrong's Integrity
Lance Armstrong's Integrity died weakly on October 17, 2012.
After masquerading heroically for over a decade, Lance Armstrong's Integrity proved, in the end, to be the world's biggest dope. A perpetual liar and cheat, his ultimate undoing was the fact that he just didn't have the balls to tell the truth or to do the right thing. Lance Armstrong's Integrity was preceded in death by Tiger Woods' Fidelity, Michael Vick's Humanity, Joe Paterno's Character, Barry Bonds' Likeability, Jose Canseco's Sanity, Roger Clemons' Legacy, Daryl Strawberry's Sobriety, Ben Roethlisberger's Chivalry, Brett Favre's Decisiveness, Rafael Palmeiro's Viagra Ads and Kobe Bryant's Loyalty. He is survived by Widespread Steroid Use, Apologetic Press Conferences and A Rampant Decline In Sportsmanship.
Barney's NorthPark, 6, cashed in her chips on October 8, 2012. A thoroughly fashionable woman, she always maintained a look that was both bold and daring, sometimes to a fault. Though she was known among her peers as a fashion forward individual, it was often difficult to get her friends and neighbors to buy into her overall look. Barney's NorthPark is preceded in death by Dez Bryant's Sagging Pants. She is survived by grandfather, Nieman's, and daughter, NorthPark's Teen Curfew.