It’s Not Funny Any More, Chewbacca Mom.

Dear Chewbacca Mom,

Actually, strike that. We refuse to refer to you by that dumb nickname.

Dear Candace Payne,

First of all, your nickname is dumb. Kind of like that video we’ve all seen by now of you Facebooking live from that local Kohl’s parking lot, losing your shit over the now ubiquitous Chewbacca mask.

Everyone’s seen that clip by now, so I won’t bother re-posting it here. Sorry, it’s just that it wasn’t that funny the first time, and it’s only become more grating with repeated shares and viewings.

I guess I’m in the minority here, though. Your laugh-heard-round-the-world has sure opened some doors for you. And, hey, you’ve never met a spotlight or a handout you haven’t liked, huh? Over the last few weeks, you’ve gone on The Late Show With James Corden, received your own action figure, sang the national anthem at an Astros game, hung out with Mark Zuckerberg at Facebook HQ and earned college scholarships for your do-nothing kids. But, hey, why stop there? Not only have you made over $400,000 off that noxious giggle, you’re still laughing all the way to the bank, charging $20 a pop to sign autographs.

Seriously, that’s pretty fucked up. After getting so much free stuff from others, you should be grateful that anyone is even asking for you to write your name on a piece of paper in the first place.

Also: Who are these people, even?! And why?!

But even worse than the fact that you simply won’t quietly fade back into obscurity is your latest attention grab. Weeks after we were sure your 15 minutes would run out, you’re back with your most despicably shameless act yet, trying to extend your time in the spotlight by piggybacking off of tragedy. In the days following last Thursday’s devastating shooting Downtown, you posted another of your shitty videos — this one sans mask and with you singing Michael Jackson’s “Heal the World.”

This one we will begrudgingly embed.

Sure, I suppose this video could have been nothing more than an innocent act of trying to provide some much-needed healing and “spreading some joy.” Except for that it wasn’t that at all. The video starts out with you saying — and we’re paraphrasing here — hey, remember those shootings in Dallas, I live pretty close to Dallas, so, um, Chewbacca Mom!

That’s some disingenuous shit right there.

The video’s full of lies, really. Like the one where you say you’re “nervous to share this with you.” No you’re not! Not even a little bit!

Or the bit about how “someone needs to sing these lyrics again.” Wrong again! Don’t even be besmirching the King of Pop like that!

It’s not that we don’t like fun things or that we don’t think the world is in need of some healing now more than ever. But for once, Ms. Payne, this doesn’t need to be about you. Instead of another hey-look-at-me-I-bet-you-didn’t-know-I-had-this-hidden-singing-talent video, maybe step out of the limelight for five seconds so we can give shine to some real actual heroes that weren’t just 30 minutes away when tragedy struck, but who actually lived through it. Chew on that for a sec.

You’re no hero. You’re a lady who bought a toy and laughed a little too hard about it on the internet. Period. Get over yourself already.

Most of the rest of us already have.

Logging off,
Cory Graves and the rest of the Central Track staff

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