An Arbitrary Look At What The Stars Have In Store For You.
Welcome to our unlicensed astrological look at the week to come. We are not professional astrologists, we just have gut feelings. Take these horoscopes as you will.
Aquarius (January 20 through February 18)
Fingerless gloves are a state of mind.
Pisces (February 19 through March 20)
Today is the first day of the rest of your week.
Aries (March 21 through April 19)
All plastic everything.
Taurus (April 20 through May 20)
Ain't no shame in your raw cookie dough eating game.
Gemini (May 21 through June 20)
Too much coffee may make you jittery, but it may also endear you to that cute barista. Life's about trade-offs.
Cancer (June 21 through July 22)
Your excuse for not joining a gym — that it's too busy right now because of New Year's resolutions and whatnot — is pretty weak. So too, consequently, is your core.
Leo (July 23 through August 22)
In case you forgot: Board games are still fun.
Virgo (August 23 through September 22)
This is your reminder that Season 3 of Game of Thrones kicks off on March 31.
Libra (September 23 through October 22)
It's really not that cold. Quit whining.
Scorpio (October 23 through November 21)
Be careful when driving in school zones. School is back in session and you will get a ticket if you're not careful.
Sagittarius (November 22 through December 21)
You will not get arthritis from cracking your knuckles, so tell our mom to shut up already.
Capricorn (December 22 through January 19)
You ether spend too much time or not enough time on Reddit. There's no appropriate amount.