Have a Merry Holiday Weekend.
Earmuffs kids, but some nerdy psuedo-science journalist type has pretty much proved Santa to be a fraud.
Per Kynan Eng, a tech startup and research specialist: “It will cost $24.3 billion [for Santa] to make the toys, plus $683 million to deliver them by ocean and road freight (delivery time 2 months). Or, if it absolutely, positively must be there overnight, air freight will cost $95.8 billion before discounts. Unfortunately, there aren’t enough planes in the world to deliver everything in one day and airport capacity is limited, so it will take around 5 days if every commercial and military plane in the world (40,000 planes total) is pressed into service.”
Ya, that ain’t happening. Sorry kiddos.
But this weekend is happening — both literally and figuratively. And there are loads of ways to spend it without breaking the bank Santa-style, no matter your religion, creed or level of cynicism.
William Clark Green’s Christmas Circus at Billy Bob’s
They’ve got beer for the bearded lady, eggnog for the eggheads and water for the reindeer that pull Santa’s sleigh. Everybody knows that the greatest party on earth is the one down at the world’s largest honky-tonk.
Drowning Pool’s Toys for Tots at Trees
Has there been a more polarizing local band to achieve mainstream success than this one? Really, just as many folks love the band as find listening to their songs a legit form of torture. That much makes sense: Back in 2001, Drowning Pool broke through with their smash hit “Bodies,” which, remains the band’s most recognizable song even a decade after the track’s lead vocalist passed away. In 2003, the song was used by the military at Guantanamo Bay to interrogate suspected terrorists, so there’s that, too. Love ’em or hate ’em, though, I think we can all agree that collecting toys for kids in need this time of year is a p cool thing to do. — CG
Danny Diamonds, Daniel Markham, Dim Locator, Chris Welch and The Cicada Killers at Dan’s Silverleaf
Three Dans are better than two. A bonus William and Chris are even better.
Prophets and Outlaws at House of Blues
Most weekends you can find them at the soul shop. It’s where their daddy taught them how to rock. This is not most weekends. As such, this locally-sprung roots rock act will be serenading your $9 Pinnacle Whipped-fueled shenanigans.
Hip-Hop Nutcracker at Eisemann Center
Seems like everybody’s putting their own spin on Tchaikovsky’s classic ballet this time of year, from nearly naked versions to this one that’ll hit ya with the re-re-re-re-remix [air horn noise].
Mind the HeadSpace Live: Colly T at Crown and Harp
After three years of podcasting, Colly T’s Mind the HeadSpace is expanding its format to include a live performance aspect. This is that live performance/taping. Fropsi and Lars Warn also perform.
The Van Sanchez, From Parts Unknown, Sideshow Tragedy, PVC Street Gang at Three Links
Four distinct brands of rock, spanning punk to blues. And at least one stage diving Santa. I mean, I don’t know about that last part, but hopefully I just willed it into existence. And so it shall be. Hopefully.
Lindby: Holiday With the Hendersons Release Show at Lola’s Saloon
For its fifth annual Christmas offering, Lindby is once again joined by some cool guests. Collaborating with them on this year’s Lindby Presents: Holidays With The Hendersons is, well, The Hendersons. It’s been out for a minute, but now you can hear covers of “Auld Lang SINE,” “My Favorite Things” and a deeper-voiced take on “The Chipmunk Song” live.
Francine Thirteen + Mattie Michelle at Deep Vellum
Ritual pop auteur Francine Thirteen performs a Winter solstice (or hibernal solstice) musical ritual to mark the day with the shortest period of daylight and the longest night of the year, which came this past Wednesday. Better late than never.
The Christmas Lights Bike Ride at Red Star Bicycle Shop
A 10-mile ride through Downtown with their bikes all aglow.
Ro2ooth Gift Grab at Ro2 Art
Ro2 Art and Art Tooth present a holiday art show with tons of local, mostly Fort Worth artists who’ll be selling their works at affordable prices – hint, hint so you can give them as gifts, you last-minute shopper, you.
Merry Tuba Christmas at Thanksgiving Square (Free)
The tuba section is definitely the Rodney Dangerfield of the marching band, but when dozens of the suckers get low, low, low, low, low at Thanksgiving Square for this annual holiday tradition, they’ll certainly command quite a level of respect. Even if it’s just for the afternoon.
Locked & Loaded: Sub-Sahara, Vegan Shark, NotLando at Armoury, D.E. (Free)
When your fam asks why you’re all hungover and whatnot Christmas morn, just tell them it is because you got lit on Christmas Eve watching the young DFW rockers of tomorrow rocking DFW today – or yesterday, as it were.
Hanukkah Harry Saves Christmas! at Three Links (Free)
Hanukkah Harry, aka Playlister P, aka CT founder Pete Freedman, will be spinning tunes at Links for all you wayward souls. It’s free, but they’ll be taking donations for local charities, and giving away prizes, like tickets to next year’s Punk Rock Bowling.
Twas the Breaks Before Christmas at The Nines (Free)
Breaks to win and breaks to lose, but these here breaks will rock your shoes. And is the last edition of The Breaks of 2016. So break it up, break it up, break it up!
Die Hard Movie Party at Alamo Drafthouse (Cedars)
In a lengthy but poignant essay for Movie Fone, film critic Drew Taylor argues that Die Hard is, hands down, the greatest Christmas flick ever made. He reasons that, like Home Alone, another contender for the title, Die Hard is full of scenes of bad guys getting their asses kicked. In this case, though, there’s 100 percent more F-bombs, boobs and cocaine, which is why most every theater in town will screen it a time or two this month. This one, however, features a special beer flight from 903 Brewers. Yippee ki-yay motherfuckers. — CG
XMAS Xxtherapy at Three Links (Free)
Didn’t get what you wanted under the tree Christmas morning? Tstwmtc, Little Beards and Deflowered Electric Flesh Bride will do their damnedest to make it up. Things are looking up already.
#DrinkTheTree at The Rustic
You know that cool Christmas tree made of unopened beer cans at The Rustic? Yeah, that thing’s going to look real stupid come Monday. That sucker’s gotta come down, and we’ve got to drink it. Enjoy $3 beers straight from the tree from 6 to midnight — plus tamales and tequila, too. These are a few of my favorite things.
Non-Denominational Holiday Party at The Church
A festivus for the rest of us. But with dancing and drinks instead of that shitty pole. It’s also free to get in. And drinks are free, too, before 11 p.m.
To find out what else is going on today, this week and beyond, check out our event directory.