Stop, Drop, Shut 'Em Down, Open Up Shop.

Its long been proven that Australians are some of the toughest sons of bitches on the planet. But even more proof of this fact came recently, when Aussie Rod Sommerville was bitten by a highly venomous eastern brown snake while tending his garden.

Unlike us wimpy, crybaby Americans, Sommerville didn't panic. Instead, he calmly phoned the authorities, then grabbed a beer while awaiting their arrival. According to reports, he didn't even wake members of his family, who were napping inside the house, as he didn't want to alarm them. And, really, why should he have? Deadly snake bites are NBD if you also happen to be Australian when you've been bitten by one.

Remember when heading out tonight that you, on the other hand, are not Australian. If you find yourself struck by calamity, you should probably head for the hospital and not, say, one of the following places.

Miley Cyrus at American Airlines Center
Miley Cyrus' current “Bangerz” tour has earned its share of buzz thanks to such supposedly shocking antics as the singer symbolically riding a hot dog or fake-fellating a guy in a Bill Clinton mask. To which we say: Yawn. Mick Jagger didn't have to symbolically hide the fact that he was riding a giant inflatable dick at Rolling Stones shows, and that was 40 years ago. And shouldn't Clinton's actual Oval Office shenanigans — which, again, took place 16 years ago — be considered much more harmful to mainstream America's fragile moral fiber than a 21-year-old pop singer's social commentary thereof? Alas, for what it's worth, we've heard nothing but glowing reviews from folks who've attended shows on this tour with even the most marginally open minds. — Cory Graves

The Pizza Underground at Dada
Let's get one thing straight from the jump: Child actor Macaulay Culkin's pizza-themed The Velvet Underground cover band is not good — although, to be fair, we're not sure that they're necessarily supposed to be. Whether it's the kind of absurdist performance art piece/commentary on the value of art and music that the noted Andy Warhol associates would have appreciated or the kind of bullshit the band would have rolled their eyes at remains unclear. Though the band says they initially formed in 2012, the fact they waited until a couple weeks after Lou Reed's passing to record their first demo seems a bit suspicious. In any case, we expect the contingent of folks showing up tonight for the potential train wreck will be just as high as those just wanting to catch a glimpse of the Home Alone actor in person. — CG

DMX at Trees
Be prepared to be hit with a barrage of questions if you attend this legacy rap performance tonight. The ever-forgetful DMX will no doubt demand you to remind him of things like where his dogs are currently located, where the quote-unquote hood is at, what these bitches want, and even what his own name is. When this happens, we recommend just telling him what he wants to hear, in which case “X” will inevitably give “it” to ya. And by “it” we, of course, mean copious amounts of the rapper barking like a dog. That is to say, it should be a good night. — CG

Raccoon Eyezz & King Camel's SXSW Kickoff at The Crown & Harp/Good Records
For just $6 tonight, you'll have access to both stages at Lower Greenville's The Crown & Harp venue and a third at nearby Good Records — as well as a pair of free kegs. Like so many other jam-packed shows this week, this 12-hour marathon is a direct result of SXSW spillover. The list of bands playing throughout the course of the day includes Ringo Deathstarr, Blackstone Rangers, Dead Leaf Echo, Vulgar Fashion, Midday Veil, Cutter, Cobalt Cranes, Hex Cult, Lie, Airport, Vision, Bloody Knives, Douglas & the Firs, Catamaran, Depth & Current, Purple and Mercury Rocket. — CG

To find out what else is going on today, this week and beyond, check out our events page.

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