Brace Yourselves, Amigos.

There were a lot of really important things that happened last week.

The most notable was this gem: A 450-pound pothead thought he'd be smart and hide his bag of weed between the fat rolls of his stomach when pulled over for a traffic stop.

Spoiler: It didn't work. He was charged with the 23 grams of marijuana lodged between his cellulite.

I bet he wishes he had a time-traveling phone booth to figure out a more disgusting place to hide his stinky green.

What a goon.

Fortunately, you don't need a time machine to know that the below events should be a good time. Rather, you have our word. — Chase Whale

Bill & Ted Double Feature at the Alamo Drafthouse
Remember when she was a senior and we were freshmen? Feel like watching young Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter deal with Death and Billy the Kid in a universe where the Tardis gets in the hands of two stoned-out teenagers? Have three hours to spare? Then the Alamo Drafthouse has you covered! They'll be showing Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure and Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey back to back, starting at 7 p.m. If noting else, it'll be a hilarious reminder of the fact that Keanu hasn't gotten any better with his acting. — Chris Escarfullery

Cool Out at Crown & Harp
The club may have a new name, but to the crowds of service industry folks and dancefloor junkies who've been flocking to DJ Tony Schwa’s Monday night offerings since circa 2007, not much else has changed. And since returning to its original location in June 2013 this weekly dance party has been thriving more now than ever. — Cory Graves

Badass Jazz
While Monday is typically a slow night for most bars, it remains one of the Amsterdam’s busiest. That much be credited to local sax wizard Shelly Carrol and his crop of old-school jazz cronies. Just because there’s no cover charge doesn’t mean this isn’t the best jazz event in town. Don’t believe us? Carrol proves as much on a weekly basis. —Cory Graves

Sugarfoote and Co.
The beer-swilling, good-timing country and folk tunes Cody Foote and his pals crank out during their Monday night residency has been a longtime favorite of Deep Ellumites and service industry folks alike. After a couple $8 pitchers and a famous Adair's burger even the strictest nine-to-fivers might think about calling in and taking off Tuesday morning as well. —CG

To find out what else is going on today, this week and beyond, check out our events page.

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