Remembering The Lives Of The Mayan Calendar, Failed New Year's Resolutions and More.
Each week, dozens of memes, trends and pop culture items die quiet, unceremonious deaths. We'd like to publicly give these dead trends the proper memorials they deserve. Then, we kindly request that we never speak of them again.
The Mayan Calendar
The Mayan Calendar met its end on December 21, 2012. It was approximately 2,500 Haab's old. His extreme longevity earned him vast amounts of wisdom that allowed him to avoid catastrophes like the earth's collision with the planet Nibiru. In the end, his own demise was the only one he didn't seem to foresee. The Mayan Calendar was preceded in death by his mother The Collapse Of The Mayan Civilization, and his great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandsons End Of The World Parties and The Y2K Scare. He is survived by A Sense Of Embarrassment, A Sigh Of Relief, Copies Of Apocalypto On DVD and The Beginning Of A New Cycle.
The Fiscal Cliff
The Fiscal Cliff, 2, fell lifeless December 31, 2012. Always the argumentative type, The Fiscal Cliff's overuse of threats and dramatic imagery often helped him get his way. Though he appeared well-off in life due to his abundance of earthly possessions, closer examinations of his finances after his passing reveal that The Fiscal Cliff was deeply in debt. The Fiscal Cliff was preceded in death by his great grandfather The Whiskey Rebellion, his grandfather Reganomics, his parents Axis Of Evil and Drill Baby Drill, his uncles Don't Ask Don't Tell and Joe Sixpack and a sister, Binders Full Of Women. He is survived by Obamacare, The 99 Percent, The Eleventh-Hour Passage Of The American Taxpayer Relief Act of 2012 and Rampant Wasteful Spending. In lieu of votes, the family asks, “Can I borrow a few bucks?”
Failed New Year's Resolutions
Failed New Year's Resolutions gave up the ghost on January 2, 2013, after only two short days on earth. In his own mind, he was an Adonis who hit the gym every day and was perpetually losing weight. He never drank (neither alcohol nor soda), never smoke and never frivolously spent his money. Despite reading constantly, he always had time for vacations and time for his family. To those that knew him best, he was a well-meaning father, co-worker and friend who was at best overly ambitious and at worst completely lacking in willpower. Failed New Year's Resolutions was preceded in death by Diet Sodas, E-Cigarettes, Every Diet Known To Man, Non-Alcoholic Beer, Virgin Daiquiris, an Expired Gym Membership and A Lost Library Card.
Black Eyed Peas
Black Eyed Peas, 350, ate it on January 1, 2013. Never the most popular bean, the fact that Black Eyed Peas did experience that designation at least one time a year helped it cope with the fact that, for the other 364 days, it was largely ignored. An extremely superstitious sort, Black Eyed Peas leaves behind a large collection of rabbit's feet, horse shoes, four leaf clovers and lucky pennies. Black Eyed Peas was preceded in death by his relatives Midnight Kisses, New Year's Cake and the lesser known second and third verses to “Auld Lang Syne.” It is survived by The Remaining Few NCAA Bowl Games, Champagne Toasts, The Restaurant Black Eyed Pea and the overrated hip-hop group The Black Eyed Peas.
Fawning Over One Direction
Fawning Over One Direction, 2010, went crazy, crazy, crazy on December 30, 2012. Though boosted to fame with a reality show and dead withing a two-year lifespan, friends and family assure the bereaved that Fawning Over One Direction, indeed, did plenty of living while they were young. It will be missed most by the hoards of marginally attractive yet insecure females who are know pretty sure that bands think they are beautiful. Fawning Over One Direction was preceded in death by Fawning Over 'N Sync, Fawning Over 98 Degrees, Fawning Over All-4-One, Fawning Over Backstreet Boys, Fawning Over Boytown, Fawning Over Dru Hill, Fawning Over Hanson, Fawning Over Jonas Brothers, Fawning Over Menudo, Fawning Over New Edition, Fawning Over New Kids on the Block, Fawning Over O-Town, Fawning Over 112, Fawning Over Boyz II Men, Fawning Over Color Me Badd, Fawning Over LFO, Fawning Over The Wanted, Fawning Over Big Time Rush and Fawning Over Dream Street.