Remembering The Lives Of Movember, Royal Baby Bonanza, Das Racist and More.
Each week, dozens of memes, trends and pop culture items die quiet, unceremonious deaths. We'd like to publicly give these dead trends the proper memorials they deserve. Then, we kindly request that we never speak of them again.
Royal Baby Bonanza
Royal Baby Bonanza, conceived on December 3, 2012, was bumped off on December 5, 2012. Though only two days old, the intense scrutiny, undying speculation and endless water-cooler talk concerning the Royal Baby's yet-to-be-determined name, physical features and potential godparents proved too much for the little one to handle. Royal Baby Bonanza was preceded in death by parents The Royal Wedding and The Royal Wedding Night. It is survived by its brother Prince Harry's Strip Billiards Pics, its aunt Unwanted Royal Parenting Advice, the Twitter account @RoyalFetus and the album Watch the Throne. In lieu of flowers, the family asks, “So, what sex do you think it's going to be?”
After a lifetime filled with one close shave after another, Movember, born November 1, 1999, finally succumbed to death on December 1, 2012. Despite being known primarily for his brawn, Movember was no slouch in the brains department, either. He was always able to crack up pals with his razor sharp wit, but the part-time bare-knuckles boxer was mostly known for being extremely caring and always looking out for the prostate health of those around him. Movember was preceded in death by grandparents the Hitler Stache and the Porn Stache, parents 2012 NHL Playoff Beards and the Ironic Hipster Stache, and an uncle, Creepy Molester Stache. He is survived by Shave Every Day You Creep December.
Born in 2008, Das Racist, was whacked on December 2, 2012. Thanks to the internet and their endless humor, Das Racist quickly made the ascent from bedroom rappers to commercial emcees in less than three years. Still, they were never fully appreciated in their time. While there were some who hailed them this generation's urgent new voice, the group was dismissed by others as simply another joke rap outfit. Das Racist's death came just after a mid-tour disagreement stemming from a decision to eat at either Taco Bell or Pizza Hut. Das Racist was preceded in death by the P'zone, The Cheesy Gordita Crunch, Doritos Locos Tacos, Wesley Willis' “Rock 'n' Roll McDonalds” and Pizza the Hut from Spaceballs. He is survived by the solo careers of Kool A.D. and Heems and the power-pop outfit Boy Crisis. In lieu of flowers, the family asks, “Who's that brooown?”
Albums Of The Year Lists Released The First Week Of December
Albums Of The Year Lists Released The First Week Of December, 5, died prematurely on December 4, 2012. She considered herself the biggest music fan she knew, although those around her found her tastes snobby and at times convoluted. Though some detractors often charged her with posturing, nobody ever accused her of being late. Albums Of The Year Lists Released The First Week Of December was preceded in death by Pitchfork's Arbitrary Ratings System, Rolling Stone's 500 Greatest Albums Of All Time and Best Albums Of The Year So Far Lists Released In June. She is survived by Vice Magazine's Parody List, Endless Debate On The Necessity Of Ranking Albums In The First Place and Grimes. In lieu of flowers, the family asks, “So, where'd you have Frank Ocean on your list?”
Angry Birds Star Wars Jenga
Angry Birds Star Wars Jenga collapsed on December 5, 2012. A huge fan of mixing things that have no business being together, he ultimately died after concocting one too many drinks containing every soda in the fountain; in the end, he learned a little too late why they call those “suicides.” Angry Birds Star Wars Jenga was preceded in death by Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bells, That Giant Jenga Set At The Bar, Kerplunk!, the Old Spice Centaur, Zip-off Cargo Pants, Grape Swirl Peanut Butter, Lego Star Wars, Angry Birds Rio, the Marvel vs. Capcom series, KISS Caskets and Jar Jar Binks. He is survived by that one last pesky storm trooper pig left after we ran out of X-wing pilot birds.