Remembering The Lives of Turducken, Your Pre-Holiday Waistline, Twinkies and More.
Each week, dozens of memes, trends and pop culture items die quiet, unceremonious deaths. We'd like to publicly give these dead trends the proper memorials they deserve. Then, we kindly request that we never speak of them again.
Turducken, born on November 27, 1997, bought the farm on November 20, 2012. A true gormandizer, Turducken was all about enjoying life to the fullest — quite literally, in fact. A fan of excess and pleasure, he stuffed as much living into his life as possible. Turducken was preceded in death by his parents Tofurkey and Fires From Fried Turkey Mishaps. He is survived by grandparents John Madden and the Thanksgiving Bowl, brothers Stovetop Stuffing and Which Wich's Thank You Turkey Sanwich, as well as a daughter, Cherpumple Pie. Per his final wishes, he will be buried inside a sleeping back stuffed inside a pinebox stuffed inside a much larger coffin.
Totes, 3, was rubbed out on November 19, 2012. Although many view her tragic shopping mishap as simply a freak accident, her BFFs Adorbs and Jellz were partially contented by the fact that she, at least, died doing what she loved most. She will be remembered for her overly emphatic joy and generally agreeable nature. Totes was preceded in death by her grandfather Totally Rad, her parents Fo Shizzle and No Doubt, her sister Obvi, and her cousin Cray. She is survived by a sister Yeppers and a daughter Stabby.
Your Pre-Holiday Waistline
Born in October, Your Pre-Holiday Waistline went belly up on November 21, 2012, after a long battle with Dunlop Disease. Although he never really did ever know when to stop, he sure had a way of making those around him feel perfectly fine about it. Your Pre-Holiday Waistline was preceded in death by Well-Fitting Clothing, A Healthy Body Image, Being Asked On Dates and Skinny Jeans. He is survived by a large family, including Love Handles, A Little Extra Padding, Cankles, Muffin Top, Spare Tire, FUPA and Extra Trips To The Gym. In lieu of flowers, the family asks, “Does this make me look fat?”
The Mavs' Hot Start
The Mav's Hot Start, 1 month, fizzled out on November 19, 2012. While the cause of death has yet to be determined, the family suspects sloppy rebounding and poor shot selection as likely culprits. The Mavs' Hot Start was preceded in death by brothers The Stars' Hopes Of Playing A Game This Year and The Cowboys' Running Game, and a cousin, Josh Hamilton's Chances Of Being A Ranger Next Year. He is survived by teammates Dirk's Still-Healing Knee, Shawn Marion's Sense Of Style and The Mav's (Hopefully) Strong Second-Half Push.
Twinkies, born 1930, met her maker November 16, 2012. Known for throwing extremely extravagant dinner parties, Twinkies was believed to be the most beloved Hostess around. She was a sweatheart through and through, always encouraging those around her to unwrap their inner smiles. Twinkies was preceded by parents The Intelligence Of U.S. Labor Relations and siblings, Ding Dongs, Ho Hos, Sno Balls, Donettes and Zingers. She is survived by her daughter America's Growing Health Consciousness and a cousin, Tastykakes.