The Cole Hamels Acquisition Couldn't Redeem Us From One Of The Worst Crimes In Dallas History.
Welcome to D-Rated, in which we try to determine if the quality of life in Dallas and its surrounding areas is moving up or down by arbitrarily assigning point values to current events.
TSA-OK: In the “How On Earth Did This Happen File?!”, the awesomely named Damarias Cockerham parked his car curbside at DFW Airport on Sunday, then waltzed right through a Terminal D security checkpoint. No ticket, no ID, and no one stopped him. He even made it onto a flight bound for Nicaragua before being apprehended by police. Cockerham said it was all for love, which is sweet, still terrifying nevertheless. What if he didn't have such sympathetic motives? Plus 1 for life imitating art, but Minus 2 because of the terrifying implications.
Unpleasant Grove: In what might be the worst story I've ever heard, four people were indicted Monday in the forced abortion of a 14-year-old girl who was raped by a family member. The details are too grisly to recount here, but even for a city like Dallas that's seen its fair share of awful crimes, this one is soul-crushingly terrible. Whatever prosecutors might be seeking for these scumbags, it's not enough. Minus 10.
The Brief Wondrous Life of Kipenzi: Two months after her birth was live-streamed to millions, the Dallas Zoo's baby giraffe Kipenzi died in a freak accident Tuesday night. Workers were corralling her and her family back to their pen when she took a turn too quickly and hit the fence of their enclosure, snapping three vertebrae and killing her instantly. To honor her memory, the zoo recommends donating to the Giraffe Conservation Foundation. I also recommend watching this SNL skit, y'know, to honor her memory. Minus 3.
Cole, Minors: Well, they needed something: The beleaguered Rangers (currently 47-52, third in the American League West) finally secured a trade deal that brings Phillies ace leftie pitcher Cole Hamels to Texas. The Rangers only had to give up starting pitcher Matt Harrison, recovering catcher Jorge Alfaro and some prospects. Whether Hamels will turn their season around remains to be seen. They're eight games out of first place in their division, and hopefully this rejuvenation will give them a leg up. Either way, the team retains his rights for the next few years. Plus 2.
Keeping It 100: We had a good run while it lasted, but Dallas finally had its first 100-degree day on Sunday. While the heat sucks, such a late arrival bodes well for the rest of the summer. DFW usually averages 18 triple-digit days a year, but since we typically experience one of these 100-degree suckers a lot earlier, this could mean we might end up with less than two weeks of truly horrendous days. Plus 2.
Brooks' Hooks: Two shows weren't enough. Originally, Garth Brooks' return to Dallas (for the first time since playing Reunion Arena in 1998) would only be a Friday and Saturday in September. But due to overwhelming demand, dude's added five more shows to his Dallas trip, playing double the shows on those days, as well as the Thursday before and the Sunday and Tuesday after. Despite the fact that no one is buying his latest album Man Against Machine, the dude's still got it. But I'll keep my fingers crossed for him to play some of his Chris Gaines material. Plus 5.
This Week's Count: Minus 5. The Rangers got a new star pitcher, but we also learned the ugly truth about one of the worst crimes to ever happen in this city. At this point, the Rangers would need to win the World Series to get us out of this hole.
Last Week's Count: Minus 5.
Running Total: Minus 18.