We Hope You Get The 2016 Republican National Convention, Las Vegas!
Dear Las Vegas,
How’s it going? Good, we hope.
Since we've got you, we've gotta ask: Do you even know when it’s about to be the weekend? Or do you just, like, proceed as you normally would because everyday feels like Saturday?
Anyway, we hope you’ll write us back and tell us the answer. But, till then, we have a few other things we thought we should tell you first.
Basically, we’re writing you today to let you know how hard we're pulling for you to land the 2016 Republican National Convention. Honestly, when we heard that you were Dallas’ prime competition when it came to hosting the convention, we knew that we didn't stand a chance.
I mean, our humble hamlet doesn't boast nearly the opportunities for entertainment and behind-the-scenes fun as your desert paradise does.
Apparently, though, this very fact has got some folks rather riled up this week, with some religious conservatives even going so far as to write letters to the Republican National Committee slandering you for the “decadence” its members might encounter in your little corner of Nevada.
Well, we're here to tell you that we don't buy into that for one second. We know all of the hard work you've put making your city amenable — and even a genuine destination — for families. We also know that you boast one of the largest per capita concentrations of churches in the United States.
Y'all's bad rap is just a misunderstanding. We hope and pray that the RNC realizes it, too.
Seriously, though: What's crazy to us is that none of this even takes into account how much trouble a bunch of soused conservatives could get into around our parts. Who knows what could happen here in Dallas? One of our cops could sell them some fake drugs. A few of them might get stuck in I-635 traffic and never be heard from again. Or, horror of horrors, some unfortunate incident could befall anyone who thinks they have a chance to use public transportation after last call.
While it's certainly true that much of the reason you're getting all this attention from us is simply because we don't want a bunch of Republicans hanging around our fair city for a week, we'd honestly feel the same if it was the Democrats — or the Libertarians, or the members of the Constitution Party or, hell, even the Greenies — who wanted to stage an invasion.
Frankly, we prefer our visitors more genial and less rancorous.
We’ll take the incredibly good-spirited and gracious Wisconsin fans who have graced us the past week over the guaranteed herd of Washington-insider assholes who would certainly come along with any potential political convention. Any day of the week. I mean, if there is anybody who is more than capable of placating an enormous mass of idiots in one place, it’s y'all out there in Vegas, for sure.
We know it might cost our local businesses a little money to say that, but we've got plenty of ways to make up any shortfall. We could, for instance, host a music festival that would put ACL to shame at Reunion Park. Or, y'know, Jerry Jones could attract another massive event to what is quickly becoming the U.S.' sporting mecca.
Point is, we'll think of something.
We'll be fine. And, as such, we really hope this comes through for you.
Listen: You deserve it.
Stephen Young and the rest of the Central Track staff