Save Some For The Fishes, You Water Wasters.
Dear People Who Are Watering Their Lawns Like Crazy,
It's pretty egregious, you guys: In my East Dallas neighborhood lately, it's become a little chic even to flip the bird at the gods of rain and dickishly yell skyward that we're not beholden to their liquid replenishment as we willfully hose buckets of H2O into the streets of Junius Heights.
Oh, is that not the image you people are trying to portray? Well, it's what goes through our heads every time we're walking around the neighborhood during the heat of the day and seeing house after house with their sprinklers turned on in pretty much every direction but towards their unnaturally green grass.
Seriously: You're all water-wasting asshats of the highest order.
I don't even know where to begin with you all!
I mean, sure, there was a bunch of water puddled around these parts just a few months back, but much like the guy that wins the lottery and winds up homeless a few months later thanks to his unchecked spending habits, everyone in my neighborhood's been pouring out water like it's going out of style.
C'mon, everyone: Let's bank some of that stuff for our retirement years, why don't we?
Besides, those drought conditions aren't quite as far in our rearviews as they seem. After 37 days without rain, much of North Texas is now considered “abnormally dry.” What's worse, forecasters don't anticipate any precipitation for at least the next couple of weeks, either.
See where we're going here? The fact that you somehow need that lawn you never actually spend any time in to be an unseasonably shade of green is not only desperately vain, but it's about as unnecessarily wasteful as buying a new printer every time the ink cartridges need refilling.
Even if watering your lawn was something that was somehow essential to your well-being — I dunno, maybe you were gifted your house by a genie who said you could live there rent-free for the rest of your days so long as you just did this one little thing and made sure the lawn stayed a particular shade of green — you're still doing it wrong. Unequivocally so.
Really, let's count the ways:
• Water with a sprinkler during the heat of the day? All that shit evaporates before even reaching the roots, ya dingbats! Might as well just go run the sink for half an hour.
• Watering a big patch of dirt for some inexplicable reason? Why? You can't plant grass in the summer! Can not.
• Pointing your sprinklers at the sidewalks and streets? I mean, you can keep watering it, but that cement's never going to sprout.
• Watering your lawn every single day? What are you trying to do? Spoil it? That shallow-rooted grass will become so reliant on your sprinklers that it'll never learn to thrive on its own.
• Watering during a rainstorm? You're the reason we can't have nice things!
• Hosing down your driveways? They make brooms for that, dumb dumb!
These are but a few examples of the reckless behavior we've seen in recent weeks out of you lazy and entitled water-wasters.
Where do you think we live? On the set of a failed Kevin Costner movie? Why do you feel so duty-bound to your little patch of stupid fucking grass?
Just stop, OK?
And, I dunno, maybe save some for the proverbial fishes you petulant little over-indulgers. While there's still some left to save, I mean. Or is the shade of some meaningless foliage really more important to you than us ending up like California?
Knowing you all, I'm guessing you'll probably keep right on over-soaking your yards no matter what — even if you have to start stealing the water to do so.
Come hell or high water, you'll always be the worst.
Cory Graves and the rest of the Central Track Staff