It’s Not Just About You, Y’know.

For the past year or so, I’ve been having an on-again, off-again relationship with a local burlesque dancer. Which is pretty cool. A lot cooler than a stripper, because she gets to perform in rock clubs. Actually, that’s how we met. I want to be supportive and go to her shows, but it’s weird to watch her take her clothes off in front of all these other dudes. What’s a late-night booty call like me to do?
— In Limbo in Lakewood

Dear In Limbo,

I’ve never been to a burlesque show, but I did see the movie Burlesque with Christina Aguilera and Cher. While at the theater, I was dismayed to find that the only seats available were very close to the screen — and, as my neck is very sensitive, I didn’t want to strain it by sitting so close. So I stood outside the theater and waited for someone to use the restroom so that I could obtain the seat that really should have been mine in the first place.

All was well until I, myself, had to use the restroom for my bi-hourly mirror check-up. Then the crafty gentleman that I had obtained my (rightful) seat from took it back.

Anyway, to research your question, I re-watched the movie Burlesque. I must say: It is not a very good movie. I would not recommend this movie to people who watch things for enjoyment. Really, I only continued to watch it because every time the screen went dark, I knew I could possibly catch my reflection on the television. (I did! Seven times!)

Here’s what I think: If you want to continue to date the burlesque dancer, you should take the advice that I once saw on a movie poster for the Kirsten Dunst vehicle Get Over It! She had this job when you met her, so what did you expect? Perhaps your girlfriend would be better off with someone more free-spirited, such as myself.

I’ve known this guy for six months, and we’ve really hit it off. We tell everyone we’re each other’s best friends. Our other friends think that there’s more going on, but there isn’t. Should there be? I don’t want to lose my best friend. On the other hand, my mom says my dad is her best friend, and I want a relationship like theirs.
— Eager in East Dallas

Dear Eager,

I can’t sympathize with you. I have many friends. You only seem to have this one guy.

One time, I tried to send an e-vite to all of my friends for one of my weekly krumping parties, and I simply couldn’t! The invite limit was way too small. Instead, I was only able to invite my closest 25 friends. That night was particularly disappointing because my apartment complex has a very strict “no krumping” policy that I was unaware of, so instead I was forced to reenact my favorite scenes from the third Pirates of the Caribbean movie. I was Jack Sparrow and my friend Shannon was Elizabeth Swan, but Shannon lacked the pizzazz necessary for a Keira Knightly character, so I had to take over her part as well. We had my wicker chair play the Orlando Bloom parts because that seemed pretty fitting.

As far as your relationship goes, have you asked your guy friend how he feels? I absolutely love it when people ask me how I feel. Right now, I feel great!

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for three months now, and I really like where things are headed. But I’m at a crossroads. My lease is up at the end of the month, and so is hers. Is it too early for us to move in together?
— Uncertain in Uptown

Dear Uncertain,

Three months isn’t very long.

I once owned a turtle for three months. It was named Samantha. Yes, I named it after the Sex and the City character. It was a very promiscuous turtle.

Let me assure you: Three months was not enough time for me to properly bond with the turtle. Eventually, I gave her to my sister because the turtle was not showing me enough deference. I even looked up “How to win a turtle’s love” on Google, and the results were, frankly, quite disturbing. So I gave up.

Instead of moving in with your girlfriend, you should probably get a place of your own and see where the relationship goes from there. I can’t promise this will work out for the best. It didn’t help me and the turtle one bit.

But now that I live by myself, I enjoy it quite a bit — even though my friends frequently beg me to move in with them because they can’t stand it when I’m away. But that’s the only downside, really.

Got a question for the Narcissist? Email her at Chelsea [at] CentralTrack [dot] com.

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