I'm Still Not Impressed With Jonathan Taylor Thomas' Hair.
I graduated college seven years ago, and I never once pulled an all-nighter then. I'm pulling them all the time now, but that may just be because of my drug and alcohol habits. Am I regressing?
— Jacked Up in Junius Heights
You're staying up all night? Are you doing it while listening to “All Night Long” by Lionel Richie? I like to listen to songs that vaguely describe what I'm doing. I listen to “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” when I play Scene It: 80s Edition, and “Here I Go Again” when I'm throwing up falafel.
To answer your question, though: Yes, you are regressing! You should do what I did when I found that I was staying up too late all the time writing letters to a certain actor who is incredibly ungrateful and can't take the time to respond to my questions about his hair-care routine.
First, tell yourself that “Jonathan Taylor Thomas's hair isn't even that great,” and then trade your drugs for the kind of drugs that make you sleepy. Or? Stop drinking and doing drugs.
In the end, it doesn't matter as long as you take away Jonathan Taylor Thomas's power to make you feel inferior.
When watching the corndog eating competition at The Libertine earlier this week, I became aroused. Does this make me gay?
— Legit Concerned on Lower Greenville
OK. So I found a video of last years corndog eating contest. I'm assuming that you're a dude, since all the people consuming corndogs in this video are dudes.
You are interpreting your arousal to the phallic shape of the corndog being consumed by a man to represent your desire for fellatio, yes? Well, watch the video again. They are not sucking on anything. They are actively chewing the corndogs.
I don't think you are gay, I just think that you want somebody to take a bite out of your penis, like in that movie Teeth, where the girl's vagina had its own set of teeth and used that to attack wayward penises.
My second theory is that you are sexually attracted to corndogs, which is a much easier fetish to manage (less blood). If this is the case, then go to your nearest grocery store and buy as many as you can. Hoard them for the rest of your life.
I, for example, have hoarded multiple editions of Scene It because I'm afraid that one day the world will stop producing nostalgia-themed movie clip games that tread light on actual trivia knowledge instead focusing on the user's ability to guess. I also hoard $1 bills, because one day in the far future, I will go on a talk show and explain that, in 21st century, we had paper money instead of the bartering system that will no doubt return to prominence.
I was out at a bar the other night and my friend started talking up this cute guy friend he knows as a potential hook up for me. We got introduced and talked a little at the bar, and we even ended up at the same after-party. Once there though, the guy was super shy, and barely said a word to me. What did I do wrong?
— Lovelorn in Lakewood
I know exactly what you did wrong.
Never go to an after party. The concept of an “after-party” is just a huge lie. I mean, after the party, the party is over, right? You went to a during party in disguise as an after party, which is a pretty big falsehood.
How can you expect to find romance when you're living a lie?
I have true after-parties all the time. For example, after a party has ended (11 pm, promptly) my friends and I go to my studio apartment and watch The West Wing until I decide they have to leave (11:43 pm, promptly).
So, anyways, about this guy: At first, he “talked a little” and then he got shy, which means that he talked slightly less than a little. Did you use aggressive hand motions? Did you do the wave with your eyebrows? Did you pretend that he was a sailor and that you were his parrot? In my experience, all of these techniques are proven to work when talking with a potential hookup.
Next time, do all of those things, preferably at the same time. Just substitute “hand motions” with “wing motions” because you are a parrot.
Got a question for The Narcissist? Email her at Chelsea [at] CentralTrack [dot] com.