Cars Are For Chumps. I Prefer Skipping.
My car broke down earlier this week, and I can't afford to get fixed. But I do still own my old car from high school. How do I convince my friends that my busted old ride is a lot cooler than it really is?
— Needs a jump in Junius Heights
I had a car break down recently, too! It was my 1994 Chrysler New Yorker. My friends had these cool nicknames for it — like “trash” and “gross.”
Like I said, though, the New Yorker broke down, and it cost me a fortune to get it towed all the way to its homeland in NYC, where I had it dismantled in a respectful ceremony.
After that debacle, I was left with no vehicle, so I decided to buy a pair of roller skates and decided I would be one of those cool, city-skating types.
This didn't really work out because I don't know how to skate and I didn't have any money and my brother once told me that skating is for “disco junkies.” I'm not sure what that means, but it scared the shit out of me.
Eventually, I just ended up skipping everywhere,which is really great because I found a Skip-It at a garage sale and it has totally boosted my confidence. I am really good at skipping.
As for your car situation: Instead of trying to convince your friends that your old car is cool, try to convince them that all of their cars are cool. Blatently stroke the dashboards of their vehicles will sighing, “Oh, I wish!”
For a while now, I've been wanting to get a new bike. I recently discovered that tandem bikes are a lot cheaper than I had initially thought. I've always liked them a lot. Would it be stupid to use my bike fund on a tandem bike?
— Double Seater in the Cedars
P.S. I'm single
I don't think it would be stupid to use your money on a tandem bike. Tandem bikes are the best!
I once knew this guy named Rob who would ride on a tandem bike with his friend Charlie.
Sometimes they'd get into fights, and Rob wouldn't let Charlie on the bike, so it would just end up being Rob riding alone while screeching “Sorry, Charlie!” repeatedly until Charlie got low self-esteem. Later on, Rob started to feel bad about giving Charlie low self-esteem, he would simultaneously cry and ride his tandem bike, which, as any experienced tandem rider knows, impairs your vision. This resulted in Rob riding his tandem bike into a really prickly bush.
Now Rob doesn't ride tandem bikes.
He just sits in bushes and cries a lot.
But, yeah, you should totally get a tandem bike!
Not long ago, I moved to Dallas from Fort Worth. This week, when I went out of town, my new Dallas friends went and hung out with my old Fort Worth friends. How pissed should I be that they went without me?
— Introspective in Iowa
You should be pissed enough to move to Iowa!
Good move! That'll show them!
One time, I moved out of state because my friends weren't showing me enough appreciation.
I lived in Arkansas and my friend Elijah didn't properly thank me for trading him my Charizard Pokemon card for a Mankey, which didn't have the same amount of HP. Elijah was a total douche about it and then he told me my bangs were stupid, so I moved to Dallas out of spite (and also because my dad got a new job, but he was totally encouraged by me).
So here's what you do: Periodically send your friends photos of you having a good time in Iowa. Y'know, pics of you drinking from the world class working soda fountain at Ackley Heritage Center or rolling in the grapes at the Penoach Winery or possibly just reenacting your favorite scenes from Children of The Corn.
They will be so envious they will have to move to Rhode Island to spite you back.
Got a question for our Narcissist? Email her at Chelsea [at] CentralTrack [dot] com.