Not Religious? You Should Join My Cult.
I recently met this super attractive guy at a bar, and he seems pretty nice and whatnot, and we kind of hit it off and he asked for my number and I gave it to him. But here's the thing: It was kind of late when we met, and he'd just come from seeing a pretty lame modern rock band that was playing a sold-out show down the street. I mean, this guy's taste in music is clearly terrible. Is it OK to be shallow and look past that and go out on a date with him? Or are we just doomed from the start?
— Deaf in Deep Ellum
You're doomed, my friend.
Real talk: What happens when you go on a date with him and he's trying really hard to get you to listen to this totally rad new Hinder track and you subsequently are forced to jump out of his car in sheer terror, ineffectively using the “tuck and roll” method that leads to your unfortunate and untimely demise?
At your funeral, your friends will play Bon Iver songs and talk about how this wasn't meant to be, and that you were a good musical egg that just accidentally messed around with some rancid meatsack who happened to have a pleasing exterior but come on girl, even chimpanzees have standards.
I once dated a dude who made me listen to a CD filled with 12 different drum and bass remixes of Katy Perry's “Hot 'N Cold,” so I know where you're coming from. At first, you're all like, “We don't have to like the same things. It's cool!” But then he starts making fun your of Montreal poster and you “accidentally” step on his copy of Now! That's What I Call Music: Volume 67. It's just not worth it.
I've been getting real serious with this girl and she recently introduced me to her whole family. One problem: They're all super religious. I'm anything but, and yet they somehow think they think I might be. Is there a proper way for me to explain my lack of religious values to them, or should I just hope that my new girlfriend isn't too keen on hanging with her family? I mean, I really like this girl. I don't want to break up with her.
— Sacrilegious on the South Side
What you need to do to impress her family is out-religious them. Do you know any local cults? You should join them, and then try to bully her family into joining the same cult. Then you have access to all of those cool cult-parties that you hear about on the news all the time! Everyone wins!
I've never joined a cult, but I feel like if I did I would want it to be a cult where there is a formal dresscode consisting of genie pants and platform sandals. I'm tired of seeing cults where their fashion is ratchet, if you know what I mean. What's the point of even being in a cult if you have to look like you just got rejected as an extra in Gangs of New York? At least look like you got rejected to be an extra in the classic Shaq film Shazam.
That dude has mad style.
My roommates are always playing video games in their bedrooms and leaving the TV in our living room up for grabs for me to use. Are they passive aggressively telling me that my taste in TV shows suck or am I just over-analyzing their video game boners?
— Lazy in Lakewood
That's a bit difficult for me to gauge, since you didn't mention what TV shows you watch. Usually, I am pretty good at telling people if their tastes in television are good or not. Do you only watch Golden Girls and nothing else? Congrats, you have awesome taste!
If your roommates hate Golden Girls, maybe they should keep their judgmental asses out of the living room and continue to play Kingdom Hearts II in stoned silence, crushed by a wall of self-loathing, all the while trying desperately to shake the feeling that life is meaningless.
Speaking of video games, have you played the new Pokemon game on the Nintendo DS? It's pretty fun. I once had a friend who called herself a “catch and release” Pokemon player, because once she caught one she felt obligated to let it go.
That perfectly encapsulates how I feel whenever I catch a bear with my oversized butterfly net. I mean, it's really just the challenge that I'm in it for. Also, it's pretty hard to maneuver a bear that is caught in such flimsy material. Usually, they can break through it pretty easily. That's how my friend died — getting eaten by a bear that she caught with an oversized butterfly net. It's dangerous business, so I'm surprised it doesn't have a reality show dedicated to it.
You would probably watch that reality show. Because you have good taste, I'm sure.
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