Mathematically Speaking, I'm Really Popular.

Hey Narcissist,
For the past few weekends I've been hanging out with a girl I sort of have a thing for. Although I had been sort of getting mixed signals she was, after all, letting me pay for everything. So it seemed things were going well. When I pressed the subject and asked where we stood, she said she wasn't really interested in dating and that she wanted to just be friends. I'm not trying to come off as egotistical, but I've got a ton of friends. So many, in fact, that I often end up flaking on some of them. I mean, I can't really hang out with all of them all of the time. Anyway, my point is, even though I thoroughly enjoy her company, I don't really want to be “just friends” with this girl. Is it wrong of me to tell her to her face that I don't really want to be anything more than Facebook friends with her?
— Socially Satisfied in South Dallas

I have a similar dilemma because I also have a lot of friends. Maybe this girl is also my friend!

(It's quite possible! I've calculated it and I'm friends with .0000000000000021 percent of the population! It might not seem like much but, mathematically, that means I'm really popular.)

So I'm guessing you were in more of the romantic mindset, but she's not really cool enough to be in your friendzone, which I've recently found out is a real place, sometimes referred to as “Dave & Buster's.”

Telling it to her face might be a little extreme, though. I mean, if you don't really want to hang out with her anymore, I'm sure she'll get the picture if you, all of a sudden, become extremely busy. If that's too classy of a way out for you, might I suggest making yourself seem like you're not friendship material? Offer to braid her hair, and then, when she lets you, give her dreads. Tell her that you're a Scientologist, and then try to convert her. Tell her that you have something called “day screams.” Make her a sandwich without bread, and then get mad at her when she calls it a “salad.” Soon enough, you won't have to deal with her outside of benign social media interactions!

Dear Narcissist,
I think I'm an asshole. I like to say I hate things that other people like, regardless of if I have experienced them or not. I think I just like to argue about stuff. I do have some friends, though, so I can't be totally unbearable. Right?
— Pretentious in Preston Hollow

Oh, man.

I know your type! I have a friend who likes to say he hates things when, in reality, he is secretly in love with them. He told me that he hates Firefly, but I'm pretty sure he has multiple risque photos of Joss Whedon in his wallet.

That's OK, though! You can keep on pretending to hate things that you don't have the capacity to hate, due to lack of experience.

Do you also hate Bigfoot? What about aliens? Do you hate rock climbing? GoGurt?

Maybe that can be your shtick.

I think the easiest way to talk about things you hate — and not make your friends apoplectic with rage — is to talk about things that generally everyone hates. Like Guy Fieri or people who buy T-shirts with SPF in them.

I really hate those t-shirts. I also hate camping, which is the weirdest way to have outdoor fun that I've ever heard of. I mean, is it even really outdoor fun if you have to buy a tent? Tents are the worst. You know what's way better than tents? Forts.

I would go outside and build a fort, preferably out of bird feathers and really sticky mud. I wouldn't let anyone into my fort unless they knew the secret password, which actually doesn't exist.

I don't want anyone else in my fort. They can get their own fort.

I would only go camping, though, if I got to go to the camp that was in the movie Heavyweights, because those kids had tons of candy. When I first saw that movie, I strategically hid candy everywhere so that I could have 24/7 access to it. But, as I'm so good at hiding things, I never found them. (I haven't seen a blow pop in 12 years.)

Do you hate candy, too?

Dear Narcissist,
One of my coworkers thinks he has really awesome taste in music, so he blasts it all day long at work. Sometimes, like when he's into left of the dial, '80s stuff, that's totally cool. Other times, like when he plays entire weird happy hardcore LPs from obscure Japanese bands that aren't even real people, but anime characters instead, it can be a little grating. How do you suggest I deal with this guy when he plays the weirder stuff? I don't want to hurt his feelings.
— Deaf in Deep Ellum

I have an idea! Do the songs he listens to have lyrics? If so, learn them (or, eh, get the gist of them), and then insist on singing along while doing your best Fred Durst impression. He will totally stop listening to that annoying stuff! Also he might hate you, but life is full of sacrifices.

If the Fred Durst thing doesn't work (you never know, he might be a fan), you should start what I like to call a “Retribution Chart.” On the chart, make a list of grievances, and then list the appropriate retribution for said grievances. For instance, if he listens to that weird anime band, the corresponding retribution could be that you have to steal your coworker's food and unceremoniously dump it into the toilet (preferably with a note: “THIS IS WHAT I THINK ABOUT YOUR MUSIC!!! — Love, Gary”).

It's like a fun game! Hopefully you don't get fired!

I got fired one time while I was working at a shoe store. Apparently my job was to “sell shoes,” but, frankly, that is a seriously boring job, so I liked to play with the shoes and pretend that invisible people were wearing them.

Wouldn't that be cool, though, if all shoes were occupied by an invisible person that you couldn't see, but probably had a ton of cool invisible person secrets?

My manager didn't think so.

I'm not allowed into that DSW anymore, either.

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