I Denied Your Facebook Friend Request.
I've noticed that I've been getting a little thicker around the middle. I know why. It's because I don't eat right or work out. I'm not stupid. But I've recently stumbled upon something of an existential quandary. Do I hate myself because I don't work out, or do I not work out because I hate myself?
–Self-Loathing in Cedar Springs
Oh, that's a tough one.
Does that mean you love yourself if you work out? Because I don't work out all that much and I still think I'm pretty cool. I mean, sometimes I go for walks when my car breaks down, and the other week I played a really intense game of charades where I had to imitate a helicopter.
Other than that, I don't do much physical activity.
Do you even want to exercise? If the answer is no, is that because you hate yourself? No. It doesn't. Working out is dumb. That's why you have to find a way to trick yourself into doing it, while your brain thinks you are doing something else.
Basically, you need to play charades! Just pick something like a hummingbird, and you'll have the best arms around! Did you know that hummingbirds can flap their wings approximately a bajillion times a minute? Do you think you can do that? Try! Like, all the time. You'll be so ripped.
Speaking of hummingbirds, do you know why they like the color red so much? I don't. I mean, I'm not saying that all hummingbirds are Communists, but it wouldn't surprise me if I found out that most hummingbirds have communist tendencies.
Anyway, this is why I think hummingbirds need to be eradicated, and consequently why I poisoned my neighbor's hummingbird feeder. It's for the greater good! Also, hummingbirds are ugly.
How can I know if I'm spending too much time on Facebook?
— Loser in Lakewood
Is Facebook your homepage? My friend Robert uses Facebook as his homepage, which I think is a little extreme.
The first thing that comes up when he logs on to the Internet is his Facebook page.
He also likes to update his status with song lyrics, which is hilarious. I love it when people do that when they're not in high school. It really takes a special kind of person to put “Feel like makin' love – Bad Company” as their status update.
Does Facebook stop you from getting work done that you would otherwise do? Then it might be a problem. I don't know if Robert has that problem, but I would assume that he does. Robert has a lot of problems, including an addiction to diamond rings. He has eight diamond rings, and he wears them all on the middle finger, rendering it immovable, leaving him constantly flipping off the world.
He does this because he is a lunatic.
I find it really difficult to meet women worth dating in Dallas. I think it's because I find most people to be rather uninteresting. My friends say that I'm just too self-absorbed. Maybe I am. Anyway, I've recently been reading a lot of work by a local columnist and I think she is really hilarious. I haven't ever met her or anything so I'm not sure what she would be like in person, but from the way she writes, it seems like she may be really into herself. Since you seem to be an expert on the topic my question is this: Can two narcissists make it work?
— Self-Absorbed in South Dallas
You're asking me out on a date! I know this because you're not being very subtle! (Also, because I have run all of the other narcissist columnists out of town with a pitchfork.)
Anyway, yes, I will go on a date with you. But, first, you have to meet the following requirements.
Requirement No. 1: You can't be a platypus or a platypus sympathizer.
Requirement No. 2: I will not participate in anything that requires me to wear socks. I usually wear socks, but I like having the option of not wearing socks. So that means no bowling and no sock dancing. Also, no sock puppets, because that's just weird.
Requirement No. 3: I won't do anything that involves the sun. I do not like the sun because I read that, billions of years from now, it's going to suck all of the planets up into it, effectively destroying us all. Worse, this one time, I accidentally drank from the fountain of youth. So I will still be around when this sun-suck-thing happens, so I naturally have an innate loathing of the sun, and, by association, Sunny D products.
Requirement No. 4: Please help me find my pet turtle.
Requirement No. 5: In the event that we have to jump out of an exploding airplane, you are not allowed to make fun of my Winnie the Pooh parachute. It's a touchy subject.
Requirement No. 6: I quit being a drug mule years ago, so don't even ask.