I Regret Nothing!
Hey Narc Lady,
I have a reputation amongst my friends as a guy that never gets sick. I like to brag about it. Kind of a lot. A couple of weeks ago, in an attempt to prove how impervious to illness I am, I ate some raw chicken in front of them. Nothing happened. So when we found out the city was spraying poison from airplanes to kill West Nile Virus-infected mosquitoes, I decided to go hang out on the Double Wide's patio all night to further drive home my invincibility. A few days later, I found myself with a cold. How can I be sure that I just caught something that's been going around and that I'm not suffering the ill effects of being poisoned by the aerial spray? In either case, which explanation should I tell my friends so that I still seem pretty invincible?
— Unbreakable in Uptown
Don't tell your friends that you have a cold. Tell them that you like to make yourself sneeze because sneezing is fun. That's why you're sneezing so much, for your own pleasure.
I had a cold a few weeks ago. It's funny that they call it a cold since your body is so warm.
Anyway, when I had this cold I was playing Spider Solitaire (which is basically just playing regular Solitaire while consulting the spiders in the cupboard for advice) when the spiders told me that the best way to avoid a cold is to stay away from humans and to become a spider. Have you tried that? I tried for a little bit, but I couldn't really make a web since I'm bad at knitting.
The good news is that, if you got sick from the areal spray, you're probably not a mosquito. If that were the case, you'd probably be dead now, and your friends and family would have a tough time reconciling the fact that they loved and grew up with a mosquito — sort of like Geena Davis in The Fly, except your friends would be less sad because everyone hates mosquitos.
I was hanging out at the bar the other night and I struck up a conversation with a young black woman, who, somewhere along the way, decided to point out to me that I'm white. Only, here's the thing: She quickly retracted that statement and then asked if I would prefer to be called “Anglo Saxon.” Why did she think I would be offended to be called out as white? Wasn't calling me an Anglo Saxon actually a worse offense? Because, while I may actually be a white person, I'm technically not an Anglo Saxon. Honestly, I don't know what I am any more.
–Colorblind in Oak Cliff
I probably wouldn't want to be called an Anglo Saxon either, since they wore those stupid tunics.
Were you wearing a tunic? If you were, you deserve to be called an Anglo Saxon.
Anyway, I don't think she really thought you'd be offended that she called you white, because that's not really something you can get offended about. If she called you a platypus, then you could've gotten mad, because a) most bars don't allow platypuses in anymore, so obviously you aren't one, and b) a platypus is a pointless creature and shouldn't even exist.
Did you know that a platypus can lay eggs? That's the worst thing I've ever heard. It's as if a beaver and a duck came together to form a stupid, ugly, egg-laying monstrosity. Did you also know that the platypus is the animal emblem of New South Wales, which is consequently my least favorite Australian state? What a way to declare your inferiority, by electing the red-headed stepchild of mammals to be your emblem.
Everyone thinks that platypuses are so great, but they don't do anything special. I mean, if you stepped on a duck really hard for a long time, you'd essentially have a platypus.
I guess I don't really know what you are, either. I just hope you're not a platypus because I stopped answering their questions years ago.
I watch TV all the time. Like, way more than a normal person does. I don't really have anything else to do, but I still feel bad about my television consumption. Should I get a hobby?
— Glued to the Screen on Greenville Avenue
You should absolutely get a hobby, preferably something TV-related, since you are so good at watching TV. Maybe you can reenact scenes from your favorite TV shows on the street for money. Or maybe you can write a blog about your favorite TV shows that nobody will ever read, except for that one guy who accidentally clicked the link you posted on your Facebook wall.
I have a lot of hobbies, but right now my main hobby is breaking things. Mostly plates and my friends' digital cameras. Yesterday, I broke my friend Trish's camera after she took an artsy photo of a crushed up beer can on the ground.
I regret nothing.
What is your favorite TV show? Mine is QVC. They try to sell you stuff, but I don't really have any money, so I like to call them just to talk about my day.
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