I'm An Awesome Roommate!

Dear Narcissist,
My girlfriend and I are both trying to lose weight, so we've been eating healthier foods and switched from drinking beer to vodka-based drinks when we go out and she also says we both need to cut out Red Bulls because we both like to drink several Red Bulls every day — and, in fact, I just chugged a 24-ouncer before deciding to seek your advice, but, I mean, how many Red Bulls is too many in one day and are they even that unhealthy for you and do they even make you gain that much weight and even though my girlfriend stopped drinking them and kind of sort of thinks I did too, I'm not really sure that I can do that and I am wondering if this is something I need to admit to her or if I should just work out a little harder so that I will continue to lose weight while hoping she never notices because I mean, that's really the whole point, anyway, and as long as we are both losing weight, I can continue to ride the bull totally guilt-free, right?
–Hyper in the Highlands

I just looked up “How many Red Bulls is too many?” online.

The Internet told me that you probably shouldn't drink more than two Red Bulls a day because some guy from Australia died by drinking too much Red Bull.

Maybe you should find some other drinks, like Crystal Pepsi? Or Tang? Or maybe you could just drink the vodka without the Red Bull in it? The possibilities are endless!

I'm not sure what you mean by “ride the bull totally guilt-free,” though, because there is no such thing as a guilt-free bull ride. My friend Shannon rode a mechanical bull once and she felt super guilty about it, probably because her technique was really awful. After she rode the mechanical bull, she then made us watch Footloose at her house because she was “hungry for some Bacon.”

But I digress.

Did you know you can buy mechanical bulls off of the Internet? Too bad they don't go anywhere, because I think it would be awesome if you could ride a mechanical bull to the grocery store or something.

I would ride a mechanical bull to all of my serious business meetings, just to show people how tough I am.

(I would not ride a real bull, though, because I am not that tough).

Dear Narcissist,
I'm about to move in with my friend. What are some tips for us so we can stay best buddies and not begin to resent each other?
–Worried in Woodhaven

Being roommates is a tricky situation.

I used to be roommates with my friend Candace, but she would get irrationally irritated when I put her DVDs in the microwave. She said it was the last straw when I destroyed her Full House DVD Box Set, which is really strange because I thought I was doing her a favor.

Candace would also get really mad when I brought home the cicadas I captured and let them sleep in her bed. I never understood why she hated that. Her bed is roomy enough for a group of cicadas, no question.

She'd also get angry when I'd store my bicycle tires in the sink.

Our friendship eventually ended because I couldn't deal with her irrational anger problems, and also because I'm not quite sure how she disposed of my cicada friends because she wouldn't tell me.

You and your friend need to get along, though, so that's why you need to find out what irritates your friend really early on.

Take some of his food and eat it in front of him. Don't do the dishes, and, later, hold Slip 'N Slide contests in your kitchen. Buy a bunch of ferrets and then set them loose in the apartment. Take up fingerpainting and force him to look at all of your masterpieces.

Once you find out what irritates your friend, you can decide to stop doing that thing! And then you and your roommate can bond over the things that don't irritate him, and possibly have an awesome Ferret Slip 'N Slide contest.

Dear Narcissist,
I'm usually pretty awesome in person, but sometimes I can come off like a big jerk in emails, even though I specifically try not to come across this way. What tips do you have for coming off as a nice person in emails? Let me cut you off at the pass a bit: I've found that exclamation points are not a helpful thing. They just make me sound even more angry.
— Concerned in Casa Linda

P.S. Do I sound nice or mean based off this email?

Exclamation points don't help you?!?!?!?

How is that even possible?!?!?!?

Exclamation points are like the friendliest form of punctuation ever!

Exclamation points would walk your dog and then pay you for letting them do it — that's just how nice they are. Exclamation points understand that you've just gotten out of a serious relationship and they don't want to rush you, because they're just really thoughtful like that. Exclamation points would come to your brother's wedding even though they know that the marriage is doomed to fail because of his alcoholism and penchant for eating frozen corn dogs.

I guess you are maybe just using exclamation marks in a yelling sort of way?

You should only really use them after saying something nice, like, “It was nice to see you the other day!” You should probably not use them after saying something like “Hey, you didn't turn those reports in on time!” because then people will think you are mad.

Since you are not very good at using exclamation marks, maybe you should fill your emails with GIFs of corgis. It's hard to sound really angry when you attach little corgis to your email.

Also, try using fun fonts! And maybe change your text color to something sassy, like purple.

You will be the most popular email sender ever after that!

Oh, and, yes, your email to me did sound pretty mean. But that's mostly because you attached that picture of Gary Busey.

Remember: Corgis.

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