Central Track Contributor
An Arbitrary Look At What The Stars Have In Store For You.
Welcome to our unlicensed astrological look at the week to come. We are not professional astrologists, we just have gut feelings. Take these horoscopes as you will.
Aquarius (January 20 through February 18)
Don't touch another person's bangs.
Pisces (February 19 through March 20)
This year's New Year's Resolution: Coming up with a New Year's Resolution for next year.
Aries (March 21 through April 19)
If you go to a restaurant within two weeks of its opening, you should expect a few things to go wrong.
Taurus (April 20 through May 20)
Maybe listen to something other than Kendrick Lamar for the next five minutes?
Gemini (May 21 through June 20)
HAPPY HANUKKAH!
Cancer (June 21 through July 22)
Secret Santa isn't as fun as your boss thinks it is.
Leo (July 23 through August 22)
The one in front of the gun lives forever.
Virgo (August 23 through September 22)
Your roommate will do the dishes. Eventually.
Libra (September 23 through October 22)
Drink more!
Scorpio (October 23 through November 21)
Finals suck, huh?
Sagittarius (November 22 through December 21)
Monkey Wearing a Coat is your new favorite meme.
Capricorn (December 22 through January 19)
Your Chewbacca impression is not as good as you think it is.
