An Arbitrary Look At What The Stars Have In Store For You.
Welcome to our unlicensed astrological look at the week to come. We are not professional astrologists, we just have gut feelings. Take these horoscopes as you will.
Aquarius (January 20 through February 18)
Throw convention to the wind and talk politics and religion with everyone you meet!
Pisces (February 19 through March 20)
Babies are cute, but, remember, if you smile at too many of them, people might get the wrong impression about you. Especially if you've recently grown a mustache.
Aries (March 21 through April 19)
Fight that speeding ticket! You might win! Or not.
Taurus (April 20 through May 20)
Your breath stinks. Brush your teeth.
Gemini (May 21 through June 20)
Your diet starts tomorrow!
Cancer (June 21 through July 22)
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVEN'T VISITED THE STATE FAIR YET?
Leo (July 23 through August 22)
Better to know in advance: The hardest part of assembling a group of friends to dress up as the Saved by the Bell cast for Halloween is deciding who gets to play Zack.
Virgo (August 23 through September 22)
You look good. Like really good. Have you been working out?
Libra (September 23 through October 22)
You probably masturbate too much.
Scorpio (October 23 through November 21)
This is the week you find out if dogs really die when you feed them chocolate.
Sagittarius (November 22 through December 21)
Don't be sad when your roommate leaves town. It's a second bed to “do it” in!
Capricorn (December 22 through January 19)
If you bring snacks to work, be sure to bring enough for everybody or all of your co-workers will hate you (except for the few you gave snacks to).