An Arbitrary Look At What The Stars Have In Store For You.

Welcome to our unlicensed astrological look at the week to come. We are not professional astrologists, we just have gut feelings. Take these horoscopes as you will.

Aquarius (January 20 through February 18)
Wondering why people have been calling you Fat Elvis lately? It might have something to do with those fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches you've been eating.

Pisces (February 19 through March 20)
“Hype” is a relative term.

Aries (March 21 through April 19)
Drink!

Taurus (April 20 through May 20)
There's a reason they're prescription drugs. And there's a reason you don't have a prescription.

Gemini (May 21 through June 20)
Hot Cheetos and Takis: Not just for kids.

Cancer (June 21 through July 22)
No one wants to go to the gym with you. Deal with it. Learn to go places on your own. You're a grownup, dammit.

Leo (July 23 through August 22)
Get a haircut, lose 15 pounds.

Virgo (August 23 through September 22)
It's tempting, yes, but if you read the Wikipedia entry for the third book in A Song of Ice and Fire, you're just going to be ruining what should be an awesome third season of Game of Thrones. So learn a little self-restraint, maybe.

Libra (September 23 through October 22)
You can wear a tie with anything.

Scorpio (October 23 through November 21)
No one cares what you think about the Will Arnett and Amy Poehler split.

Sagittarius (November 22 through December 21)
Stop calling yourself a CEO on Twitter. You work at CVS. As a clerk.

Capricorn (December 22 through January 19)
All sriracha everything.

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