An Arbitrary Look At What The Stars Have In Store For You.

Welcome to our unlicensed astrological look at the week to come. We are not professional astrologists, we just have gut feelings. Take these horoscopes as you will.

Aquarius (January 20 through February 18)
This is the year you get people on board with your half-birthday celebration idea.

Pisces (February 19 through March 20)
Beware of dog. Beware of dog poop even more.

Aries (March 21 through April 19)
You're gonna marry this one.

Taurus (April 20 through May 20)
Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up.

Gemini (May 21 through June 20)
If you're gonna dive into the pool, make sure your bottoms are properly secured.

Cancer (June 21 through July 22)
Ask yourself this important question before you act on that impulse you have: Are you really sure you want to get a tattoo of your significant other on your torso?

Leo (July 23 through August 22)
Have you been working out? Because, really, you look marvelous.

Virgo (August 23 through September 22)
You deserve a power nap.

Libra (September 23 through October 22)
These are not the droids you're looking for.

Scorpio (October 23 through November 21)
If you're not gonna cut your nails, at least clean them.

Sagittarius (November 22 through December 21)
Your bathroom is a mess and an embarrassment. Grow up and clean it.

Capricorn (December 22 through January 19)
Stop pretending you don't love Lady Gaga.

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