Go Hard.

Before you head out to enjoy all that this weekend has to offer, we should arm you with a couple pieces of news.

First, the good: That creepy Swiss cheese masturbator was arrested yesterday, which should give you at least some sense of relief as you head out tonight.

Now, the bad: We just found out that Russell Johnson, who played the role of The Professor on Gilligan's Island, passed away yesterday.

So I guess be sure to remember to grab your cell phones as you step out tonight. After all. the last person who knew how to hail Uber using just a pair of coconuts and some discarded bar napkins is no longer with us.

Friday
Stick Men at Granada Theater
In the '70s, a guy called Emmett Chapman invented a 12-string, guitar-like instrument he called “the stick.” And the Chapman stick turned out to be quite a versatile weapon, able to sound like a guitar, a bass and slightly like a keyboard — this on top of the other, cool atonal noises and textures it offers. The best “stickmen” — King Crimson bassist Tony Levin, for instance — can make it sound like all of these at once. It's a neat party trick, to be sure, and one that lends itself quite effortlessly to the prog-rock world. Fortunately, that's what Levin, King Crimson drummer Pat Mastelotto and the world's foremost Chapman stick expert, Markus Reuter, do best. — Cory Graves

Josh Ritter at Kessler Theater (Sold Out)
Less than a year ago, this folk rock powerhouse — and arguably one of the 100 greatest living songwriters — had no trouble selling out the Granada on the strength of last year's The Beast in its Tracks LP. Considering the relative size of this venue, we hope this isn't your first time hearing about this show. — CG

Rude King at Three Links
We recently wondered about the prospects of a potential, locally-spawned Fourth Wave ska revival. Granted: Rude King, which celebrates its tenth anniversary tonight, isn't exactly the kind of Johnny-come-lately bandwagon-jumping act we were discussing. These guys have been at it for a long time. The Holophonics (who refer to themselves as “the Me First and the Gimme Gimmes of ska”) open, along with The Last Slice, Be Like Max and Samuel Caldwells Revenge. — CG

New Science Projects, New Fumes, Shmu, Peoplodeon, Def Rain at Club Dada
Shmu — otherwise known as the singing and drumming half of frenetic Austin duo Zorch — wraps up his three-day North Texas swing tonight in Dallas. Though Shmu does tend to sample Zorch from time to time, the spacey, shoegaze bent of his solo output (which can be streamed in full here) isn't necessarily all that similar to his other band at all. A whole slew of killer locals lend their support at this one. — CG

Too Close to Home: Pop-Up Art Show at 5934 Victor Street, Apartment No. 1
It doesn't get more intimate or off the grid than this one-night-only, cash-and-carry art show that'll feature works from Dallas artists such as Kyle Confehr, Emily Stoker, Brent Ozaeta, Connor Hill and Matt Brinker of Magnificent Beard, Favio Moreno of Bodega Negra, Nevada Hill, Matt Koons, Lucas Sanchez, and Joonbug and Arturo of Coworkers. — Porttia Portis

Ultimate '90s Party at Alamo Drafthouse
By now, you ought to know about Alamo's monthly, themed sing-a-long dance parties: They're fun, and you can jump around to Action Pack VJ's playlist of the decade's best (and worst) music videos without much worry. All they ask is that you don't let any scrubs tag along. — PP

Datahowler, The Vliets, Spookeasy at Double Wide
It should be a pretty interesting one down at everyone's favorite trailer-themed bar tonight, which hosts a headlining set from vatmospheric wiz Datahowler, who has been incorporating a live drummer into his sets of late. Opening will be a somewhat live performance from The Vliets, plus a performance from Spookeasy, which is currently in the post-production phase for its sophomore release. — CG

Saturday
Dallas Observer Artopia at Three Three Three First Avenue
This thing's veritable sensory overload of local food, drink, art, music and fashion. Or as a much wiser man once said: “It's a celebration, bitches.” — CG

Le Cure and Panic at Granada Theater
Though the minds behind Coachella have managed to reunite Outkast, At the Drive-In, Siouxsie and the Banshees, The Pixies, Rage Against the Machine and The Jesus & Mary Chain in recent years, there's not a chance in hell they'll ever repeat that feat by scoring the oft-rumored reunion of The Smiths. Why? Because it's just never gonna happen, that's why. That said, this set from local tribute act Panic might be the closest you'll get to ever seeing Morrissey and Johnny Marr playing together again. As a consolation, you'll also get to see the fake Cure. And that's, well, something. — CG

Johnny Beauford (Album Release) at Three Links
Bravo, Max! frontman Johnny Beauford will formally release his sophomore solo effort, A Pig Eating Past Love, at this one. Dead Flowers, The Birds of Night and Deadmoon Choir — who Beauford previously played bass for — open this strong bill. — CG

Blackstone Rangers at Double Wide
With the release of its 2012 debut Into the Sea EP, Dallas' Blackstone Rangers immediately became an integral part of the North Texas music conversation. That five-song short-player, we said at the time, added a “much-desired” element of distorted electro-pop to the area's sonic landscape. That's for sure: In the end, Blackstone's debut ended up as our fourth-favorite North Texas album of that year. And when it releases its follow up next month, you can expect the band to start building on its impressive early rep. Hola Beach and Frauen open. — Pete Freedman

Whiskey Myers at Billy Bob's
This Tyler quintet is just as likely to score with the hard-drinking, red-dirt crowd as it is with the Zeppelin-adoring stoner set. So saddle up if taking a bunch of downers and listening to a psych-tinged Americana jam session sounds up your alley. — CG

One-Year Anniversary at Community Beer Company
Hands down, the most common method of celebrating just about every occasion inevitably involves tipping a few back. So it should go without saying that Community Beer Company's one-year anniversary will be an observance of alcoholic bliss. For instance? They'll be officially releasing the long-awaited Bourbon Barrel-Aged Glenstemmons at this Saturday's special anniversary edition of its weekly open house. In addition to the debut of a new beer, the anniversary party will also feature 14 other beers on tap, including the brewers' just-released porter collaboration with Ascension Coffee. The anniversary festivities arrive at a perfect time for our favorite area brewery of 2013, too, aligning nicely with the opening of the brewery's new taproom. And, thanks to the recent change in laws that have made it possible to buy beer by the pint directly from the brewer, they'll also be able to offer up exclusive brews and pilot batches in the taproom that are, technically, illegal to sell to bars or restaurants. — PP

Open House Tour at Rabbit Hole Brewing
Denton's upstart Rabbit Hole Brewing will host its first ever brewery tour this weekend. The company's two inaugural brews include Mike Modano's 561, a Kolsch-style beer befitting the NHL's leading American-born goal scorer, and a bold and toasty brown ale called Rapture. — Cory Graves

Abraham Zobell's Home Movie: Final Reelat Dallas City Performance Hall
Like most of New York playwright Len Jenkin's other plays — two of which were also world premiered locally by Undermain Theatre — Abraham Zobell's Home Movie features a lot of random characters that seemingly pop up out of nowhere and vanish long before wearing out their welcome. This one stars Jenkin as the title character, who decides to leave his death bed behind in favor of a This is Your Life-like journey. — CG

The Jitterbug Vipers and Boys Named Sue at Sons of Hermann Hall
Mike Snider has brought too many legendary acts to town during his 20 years of booking shows to mention. It was Snider, you may remember, who was the first to book The Polyphonic Spree way back when. And, now, nearly 20 years to the day after he booked his first gig at Sons of Hermann Hall — a performance from Maryann Price's Austin-based swing band, in case you were wondering — Snider will celebrate the occasion with an anniversary show at that same venue. Headlining this one will be Price's guitarist, Slim Richey, and his current outifit The Jitterbug Vipers. Locals Boys Named Sue open. — CG

Sunday
Wacka Flocka Flame at Trees
Later this year, the Fozzie Bear-adoring rapper will release the followup to his 2010 Flockaveli debut — just a little over a year after he announced in the media that he'd completed work on the album. When it does come out, know this: It will sell way more copies than the rapper's skill set merits. But that's neither here nor there. The inclusion of Yung Nation, Fat Pimp, Internet Trap God, Yoda $lim on the bill make this a pretty heady lineup, nonetheless. — Cory Graves

Rick Ross Album Release Party at Beamer's
Come for the amazeballs buffet, stay to hear Rick Ross' new album before your less hip friends. — CG

Master Pancake: Twilight: New Moon at Alamo Drafthouse
Whether you go into this one Team Jacob, Team Edward or Team Who Gives a Shit, you'll definitely leave Team Master Pancake after these Austinites are done giving the embarrassingly moody paranormal romance the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 treatment. Oh yeah, and MST3K alumnus Mary Jo Pehl will also be on hand for these showings, adding an extra layer of humor and credibility to the proceedings. — CG

Charlie Wilson at Verizon Theatre
Let us drop a bomb on you real quick: There are, it turns out, totally two different Charlie Wilsons. There's the Texas congressman, whose political maneuvering during the Soviet War was the subject of a recent Tom Hanks vehicle, and the completely different, former Gap Band member that was just given a Lifetime Achievement Award by Justin Timberlake at last year's BET Awards. Hopefully, we don't have to spell out for you which one will be performing in Grand Prairie tonight. — CG

To find out what else is going on today, this week and beyond, check out our events page.

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