Shut Yer Yapper.
As knucklehead presidential nominee Ted Cruz recently pointed out, there's never a reason to be bored in Texas, because here we've got such fun and exciting things as machine gun bacon.
More specific to our readership, Dallas also offers up plenty of entertainment options that don't necessitate gun ownership or the consumption of animals — not that there's anything inherently wrong with either of those things individually.
We digress. Anyway, what we mean to say, is that there's lots of ways to spend your evening that don't make you look like a click-baiting doucher in the process. Here are but a few. — Cory Graves
I Am Chris Farley at Texas Theatre
Chris Farley is one of those comedians you don't forget. He was comedy gold on SNL back in the early '90s and appeared in several movies before speedballing his way off the planet far too soon. Texas Theatre is screening the new documentary on his life, I Am Chris Farley tonight. Learn who the actor really was, behind the camera. — Diamond Victoria
Tuesday Night Trash: Portrait in Crystal at Texas Theatre
Grossing at over a million dollars since its release in 1983, Chinese kung-fu obscurity, Portrait In Crystal has somehow made its way back onto the silver screen as part of the theatre's monthly Tuesday Night Trash series. And boy is this one trashy, as it follows what seems to be, a crystal statue capable of mass murders. Some dark magic and martial arts are thrown in too, just for good measure. — Evan Henry
Kurt Travis at Sons of Hermann Hall
Tonight, the former Dance Gavin Dance and current A Lot Like Birds vocalist Kurt Travis heads up a near festival-length bill at Sons, where he'll perform cuts off his synth-filled pop record. Get more for you money as Rome Hero Foxes, True Colours, Immigration, Jay McCoy, Black Market Garden and From the Drive all open this one. — CG
Jason Charles Miller at Gas Monkey Bar N' Grill
Just as he was born to do, naturally, Godhead frontman Jason Charles Miller is set to tear down Gas Monkey with cuts from his new solo acoustic record at this free show. With songwriting credits for Toby Keith, Brooks and Dunn, Marilyn Manson and Nine Inch Nails, his catalog's pretty diverse to say the least. — CG
To find out what else is going on today, this week and beyond, check out our events page.