Cash Your Checks And Get Up.

Still scrambling for a last minute Valentine to hang out with and, um, do “stuff” with at some point tomorrow? Let us help narrow down your search a bit, ladies. According to this article, which is full of all kinds of interesting sex facts — like did you know penises could get broken? Yikes! — what you should be looking for is a fat dude — at least if sexual satisfaction is high on your checklist.

Yup, it seems that the heftier among us tend to fare a bit better in that department. Who knew? We've also thrown together a few places for you to prowl tonight, too. That's as much help as you're getting from us, though. Everything else you're going to have to do yourself.

Authority Zero at Gas Monkey Bar & Grill
Want to hear something that will instantly make you feel old? Authority Zero has been around for going on 19 years now. After multiple lineup changes, the ska group released yet another new album last April. Needless to say, they've been pretty busy. The like-minded Guttermouth co-headline, and Tex-Mex punks Pinata Protest open. — Jessica Petrocchi

Jonathan Lethem: The Fortress of Solitude: From Novel to Musical at Horchow Auditorium
Continuing the impressive streak of speakers the DMA has brought to town for their Arts & Letters Live series, Lethem will discuss the process of turning his semi-autobiographical 2003 novel Fortress of Solitude into a fully-realized stage production. Joining him this evening will be playwright Itamar Moses, composer Michael Friedman, and director Daniel Aukin who were responsible for adapting the novel for stage. In any case, it'll provide a good inside look at the thing before it debuts at the Dallas Theatre Company next month. — CG

Gardens & Villa, Dark Rooms at Three Links (Early Show)
Chilled-out indie-rockers Gardens & Villa — along with the most talented local band going — will pair for this, the early show in a planned double header at Three Links tonight. That said, you'll want to get to the venue a few hours earlier than you would on a typical show night. Happy hour anyone? — CG

Bluetech, Datahowler at Three Links (Late Show)
A classically-trained pianist by trade, Bluetech will keep the Deep Ellum twofer rolling with his down-tempo brand of ambient electro and chilled-out dub. Datahowler opens this, the second show of the night at the venue. — CG

Bone Thugs-n-Harmony at Trees
Oh, come on. Stop pretending like you know all the words to “Tha Crossroads.” You don't. You just like to sing along and pretend that you, too, miss your Uncle Charles. — Trace McCaslin

Bright Light Social Hour at Kessler Theater
For those that like their psychedelic southern rockers to also be somewhat politically-minded, check out Austin's Bright Light Social Hour. Several of the band's members were so inspired by watching Wendy Davis' filibuster firsthand that they rushed home and recorded an ode to the Senator that same night. Actually, when we think about it, the seemingly unending nature of many-a-psych-rock guitar solo does kind of make it the filibuster of the music world, no? — CG

Rebirth Brass Band at The Live Oak
Rebirth got its start on the streets of New Orleans' French Quarter in 1983. Last year, 29 years after the fact, they finally won themselves a Grammy. The onetime street performers' heavy funk sound has also fully become the sound of their city — especially in the wake of their being a focal point of HBO's Treme, which ended its run back in December. — JP

Thin Line Festival in Denton
Daniel Markham, Sealion, Sam Lao, Snow Tha Product, Spitfire Tumbleweeds, Booty Fade and a dozen or so others will perform around Denton today. Oh yeah, and there'll be some films screened, too. That is, after all, how this whole fest got started. Check the festival's site for a full schedule of times and locations for everything. — CG

Vibe at Beauty Bar
Some extra incentives to hit up Colly T's Beauty Bar weekly tonight — other than a little pre-Valentine's bump-and-grind? For starters tonight's special guest is Redsean, and they'll also be giving away tickets to Dinamo Azari's upcoming It'll Do performance. — CG

Valentine's Eve Wine, Chocolate, Cheese, Pizza, Jazz and Art Galleries Tour
Surprise your sweetie with a V-Day culinary tour/date. This one includes wine tasting, a pizza and cheese board, jazz music, and chocolate desserts at a string of locations. The real surprise, though, is that it's actually the day before Valentine's. They'll never expect it. Transportation is provided. — CG

To find out what else is going on today, this week and beyond, check out our events page.

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