Sweet Jesus.

How To Avoid The Church Crowd on Easter Sunday.

Easter Sunday is the second busiest day for restaurants in Dallas. True story. It's second only to Mother's Day, which makes sense, since Christian mothers in particular only really want two things — to see all of their children in church and to eat a meal they don't have to cook or clean up after.

So, yeah, Easter Sunday is pretty much that one day where all of their dreams come true, that one day where they can force their screaming children and husbands to dress in terrible pastel colors, to smile at all the fellow church goers and to wait hours in a crowded restaurant so everyone can to eat “nice” meal together.

But let's face it: The rest of us do not want to be around these people. The families that go out to eat on Easter are a pretty strange lot. They all have the look of a weird JC Penney ad. And, honestly, everyone in the groups, (except for mom, of course) would much rather be at home eating McDonald's and playing Sky Rim.

So here's how to avoid them:
1. Stay away from anywhere with an advertisement for “Easter Brunch.”
2. Stay far, far away from any type of buffet.
3. Do not go anywhere near a sign for “kids eat free.”
4. Steer clear of any “home cooking” restaurants. Moms love “home cooking.”
5. As much as this pains us to say since we love patios for Sunday recovery and recap meals, it's important to remember that children love patios as well. Hence: Avoid patios.

That's kind of a wide swath there, I know. So where can you go? Restaurants that feature scantly clad waitresses or that specialize in chicken wings. Or one that hits on both of these levels (hint, hint). Dimly lit bars that double as restaurants are always a good call. Strip clubs are a safe bet to be Easter family free, and the food at The Lodge is surprisingly great. Taco stands are safe, since no one wants to stand in their Easter shoes and eat tacos. And, worst case scenario, there's always the mall. Don't laugh: Food courts are always good for a variety of fare, and no self-respecting church-going mom is taking her family there for a meal on Easter. Plus, the food court at NorthPark has a patio.

Basically, if you only remember one thing, remember this word: Avoid. You see a line? Avoid. You see pastels? Avoid. You see children? Avoid. Avoid and you'll be fine.