How to Eat Your Roommate's Food Without Them Noticing.
It's about that time of year when our youngest readers' summer days are numbered and their minds start to wander toward what the new school year might bring. To help these bright young minds acclimate, we've put together a handy, five-part guide to help them prep for their return to academia — but in somewhat of a different light. You won't find stories about the importance of extracurriculars or anything like that here; instead, we'll just be providing insight into the real concerns of the typical college student. Hopefully, it'll be helpful — and not just to the readers enrolled in school. Hey, sometimes we all need a refresher course.
Roommates are a tricky business.
On the one hand, you don't want to make them too angry, because then they start busting out the passive aggressive post-it notes and nobody wants that. The notes will say things like “PLEASE clean the bathroom??” or “Whoever took my copy of Serenity better return it by tonight because I need it.” Like I said, you don't want that.
On the other hand, sometimes you need to do something that will potentially make them mad. Just for kicks. And because, honestly, they're gonna make you mad at some point, too.
I recommend taking their food.
This happens all the time in roommate situations, but not a lot of people are all that willing to admit to it, since admitting to taking other people's food is sort of like admitting that you don't flush for No. 1 even if it “saves water.” The fact is, everyone hates that person who steals their Pop-Tarts.
So, Pop-Tart thieves, here's how you get away with it.
Start out by pretending that you hate everything that your roommate eats. Give them a verbal onslaught of criticism that shakes them to their very core, making them question their dietary decisions — and, perhaps, their capability to feed themselves.
They're eating hot pockets? That's so gross.
Cereal? What a juvenile!
Frozen corndogs? Ugh, you'd rather eat afterbirth!
It's good to establish a loathing for their stuff, so that in the off-chance that they do know that something has gone missing, you can use your condescension as a cover. After all, you wouldn't touch their food with your eyes — it's just that unappealing.
Then, when the moment is right, just start taking things.
Don't ever take anything that is easily quantifiable, though, such as a slice of pizza or an apple. It's much easier for them to think “One of my apples is missing!” than it is to think “I have three ounces of cereal that is unaccounted for!” And, let's face it, if your roommate ever says that, then you should just move out immediately because they are definitely going to smother you with their cat's fuzzy carcass while you're sleeping.
Here's another important thing to remember when stealing your roommate's food: It's never a good idea to take the same things too often. So, just vary the items of food that you take.
Be very sneaky about it, too, because once your roommate suspects something is up, they'll probably start writing their name on their food with a sharpie (Because for some reason, you need somebody else's name on that box of soup to know that it's not yours).
Worst case scenario, if you take too much, try to get to the store to replace it before they find out.
But, really, this is just the absolutely worst case scenario, because what's the point of taking things if you're just going to have to replace them?
That's just so much wasted effort!
See also: Is That Microwavable?
See also: How to Pull an All-Nighter.