Remembering The Lives Of Hanukkah 2012, Grumpy Cat, Josh Hamilton's Rangers Career and More.
Each week, dozens of memes, trends and pop culture items die quiet, unceremonious deaths. We'd like to publicly give these dead trends the proper memorials they deserve. Then, we kindly request that we never speak of them again.
Born on December 8, 2012, Hanukkah 2012 was snuffed out eight crazy nights later on December 16, 2012. Though his oil burned for only eight short days, the family admits that they were surprised it lasted anywhere close to that long. In the end, Hanukkah 2012 admitted it was the latkes that made life worth living the most. Hanukkah 2012 is preceded in death by Guy Fawkes Day 2012, Thanksgiving Day 2012, Armistice Day 2012 and “The Hanukkah Song.” He is survived by Boxing Day 2012, Christmas Day 2012, New Year's Eve 2012 and Kwanza 2012.
Instagram Advertising Panic
Instagram Advertising Panic, 1 day old, was terminated after a short life on December 18, 2012. Assuming folks would just blindly accept its updated terms of service, Instagram backed down after a 24-hour flood of public outcry. On his deathbed, Instagram Advertising Panic said, “Hey, it works for iTunes.” Instagram Advertising Panic was preceded in death by parents Last January's Failed Instagram Boycott and Facebook Privacy Notice Rumors. He is survived by uncle Facebook Interest Lists, younger brother The GifBoom App, and cousin Facebook's 2012 Year End Review. In lieu of flowers the family pleads, “Please read and accept our new terms and conditions.”
Grumpy Cat, born September 2012, went to a better place on December 18, 2012. To outsiders, she wasn't much of a cheerful sort, but friends and loved ones knew that the basis of her frustration was deeply rooted in the fact that snowshoe cats should never be forced to live in Arizona. To further intensify her sour attitude, she always believed the nickname “Tard,” which she was frequently called, was much better suited for her mother, Tabatha Bundesen. Grumpy Cat was preceded in death by Nyan Cat, Keyboard Cat, Lil Bub, Colonel Meow, Lime Cat, Long Cat, Hipster Kitty, DJ Cat Scratch, Cat Flag T-Shirts, LOLcats, Kitler, Venus The Two-Faced Cat, Cat Breading, Spaghetti Cat and I Should Buy A Boat Cat. She is survived by her spirit animals OMFGDOGS, Chocolate Bird, Giant Baby-Eating Golden Eagles and her mother, Tabatha “Tard” Bundesen.
Two-Handed Mittens, 2 months, crossed the line on December 19, 2012. The news comes as a surprise to friends and family members who hadn't seen her much since she'd moved in with her new boyfriend. The couple, who suffocated each other to death unintentionally, will be buried in a casket for two. Two-Handed Mittens was preceded in death by her grandparents Tandem Bikes and Milkshakes With Two Straws, parents Joint Email Accounts and Fundies, husband I <3 My Wife Bumper Stickers, and longtime pal Interlocking BFF Necklaces. She is survived by The Sound Of One Hand Clapping, The Game Of Solitaire, Tables For One, Twin Beds, and the phrase, "I'm A Loner Dottie, A Rebel."
Josh Hamilton's Rangers Career
Born December 21, 2007, Josh Hamilton's Rangers Career expired on December 14, 2012. During his time with the team, Hamilton's five tools were constantly on display as the powerful center fielder consistently put up MVP-like numbers. But, somehow, while helping the team earn its way to its first two World Series appearances in franchise history, he managed to forget there were 24 other players on the roster. Josh Hamilton's Rangers Career was preceded in death by Josh Hamilton's Whipped Cream Body Shots, Josh Hamilton's Alleged Sherlock's Bathroom Sex, Josh Hamilton's Ocular Keratitis, Josh Hamilton's Accountability Partners, Josh Hamilton's Ginger Ale Celebrations and Josh Hamilton's Brittle Body. He is survived by A Vacant Hole In Centerfield, A Lineup In Dire Need Of A Power Hitter, A Lineup Short On Lefties and A Statue In Center Of That Guy Josh Hamilton Killed. In lieu of flowers, the team asks, “So, uh, does anyone want to play center field?”