Remembering The Lives Of Amazeballs, Selieber, All Pumpkin Everything and More.
Each week, dozens of memes, trends and pop culture items die quiet, unceremonious deaths. We'd like to publicly give these dead trends the proper memorials they deserve. Then, we kindly request that we never speak of them again.
Amazeballs, born in 2009, went out with a bang November 13, 2012. After an intense three-year run on this awesome planet, Amazeballs proved to be simply too mind-blowingly incredible to be contained in a mere human form. In his short time, his overwhelming enthusiasm rubbed off on the many customers at the smoothie shop where he worked, and especially so on his best customer, Perez Hilton. The way Amazeballs could be so enthusiastic about an object even as simple as a blender was utterly infectious. Amazeballs was preceded in death by his grandfather Freakin' Sweet, his father Epic and his mother The X Games. He is survived by a sister, Awesomesauce.
Ain't Nobody Got Time For That
Born April 7, 2012, Ain't Nobody Got Time For That breathed her last breath on November 11, 2012. She could often be found enjoying cold pop, and she loved Bruce Springsteen's “Born To Run” more than just about anything else in life. In fact, her most frequent complaint in life was that she rarely had time in life to enjoy either of those things as much as she'd like. Ain't Nobody Got Time For That was preceded in death by Hide Yo Wife Hide Yo Kids, The Whistles Go Whoo Whoo, I Wanna Know Where The Gold At, Ted Williams' Golden Voice, I Like Turtles, and It's Fun To Do Bad Things. She is survived by Auto-Tune The News. In lieu of flowers the family asks, “Is someone barbecuing?”
All Pumpkin Everything
All Pumpkin Everything bought the farm on November 14, 2012. Though she was a lover of all holidays, she was always happiest during the fall. Though she'd suffer seasonal depression from time to time, she was never that unpleasant to be around, even when she would inject herself into seemingly every conversation or making herself the center of attention. All Pumpkin Everything was preceded in death by her grandmother Cranberry Anything and parents Peppermint Ice Cream and Eggnog Lattes. She is survived by her cousin Jay-Z's Run This Town and an older brother, Gingerbread Obsession.
Texas' Cessation, born on December 29, 1845, ceased to be on November 10, 2012. On his good days, he was without a doubt the most proud person his friends and family ever knew. Other times, however, he was a loner who won more than his fair share of rounds of solitaire. His favorite expression was, “I'm taking my ball and going home.” But he never could stay away from his peers for long. Texas' Cessation was preceded in death by grandparents Washington D.C.'s Taxation Without Representation, The Tenth Amendment and The Former Lonestar Republic. He is survived by sons Puerto Rico's Referendum On Statehood, Rick Perry's Fleeting Future Presidential Hopes, The Other 49 Marxist States and a daughter, The Unending Ridiculousness Of The Tea Party. In lieu of flowers the family asks, “Would you like to sign this petition?”
Selieber, 2, passed away November 9, 2012. The American sweetheart had been suffering a long battle with exhaustion and complications from a recent bout of trust issues. Though she will be greatly missed, her family says her death is, perhaps, the greatest possible thing to happen for her career-wise. Selieber was preceded in death by grandparents From Justin To Kelly and Justin Timberlake Taking Britney Spears' Virginity, and parents, Joe Jonas Dumping Taylor Swift In A 27-Second Phone Call and Vanessa Hudgens' Sext Messages To Zac Effron. She is survived by grandparents Mickey and Minnie Mouse, older brother Married To Jonas, the Justin And Selena As One Nude Statue and 30,000 Hopefully Delusional Beliebers.