Strip Clubs, Rolexes and Lost Dogs: Let's Review Ethan Couch's Mexico Vacation Itinerary.
This morning, affluenza mom Tonya Couch boarded a commercial flight at Los Angeles' LAX airport on her way back to Fort Worth, where she'll be charged with hindering the apprehension of a felon and held on a $1 million bond.
Of course, her real crime was rearing a privileged little asshat too disconnected from reality to grasp the concept of consequences. Famously, a judge in Tarrant County agreed with as much by sentencing her son Ethan to rehab and 10 years' probation after killing four people in a drunk driving incident when he was just 16. Because he was never punished growing up, his lawyers argued, he suffered from a case of “affluenza” so severe that if left him unable to comprehend the gravity of his crime. Thus, they successfully offered up, why start punishing the boy now? For whatever reason, the ploy worked, and Couch has yet to be disciplined for plowing over good Samaritans on a Fort Worth roadside or for any of the other slapdick buffoonery he's pulled since.
After making his pops pay for a $450,000/year rehab stint, Ethan was promptly seen playing beer pong at a party. Even after video of the incident was posted to Twitter, prompting speculation that Couch's probation would be revoked, Tonya never once attempted to tighten the reins on her little hellion, instead throwing him a going away party and drove his entitled ass to Mexico.
Even on the lam, the good times never stopped rolling for Ethan “I'm Too Rich To Be Punished” Couch. Here, let's take a look at how his little Mexican vacation has gone.
• First up, Affluenza Boy wrecklessly dyed his hair and beard black, a move U.S. Marshals say did little to change his appearance.
• He continued to violate his probation and break several other laws while getting drunk and partying in a strip club reportedly frequented by similarly above-the-law drug lord El Chapo.
• Never once did the thought to lay low cross the untouchable's spoiled little head — because, really, why would it, he's never gotten in trouble before when he's fucked up. Instead, he threw around so much cash at the club that he overdrew his credit card, had to leave a Rolex behind as collateral and then had to have his mom pay what the watch couldn't cover.
• After a two-week manhunt, U.S. Marshals tracked the Couches down in the resort town of Puerto Vallarta, after one of the two criminal masterminds used their non-burner phones to order a pizza.
• Smarter than both Couches, we've since learned, is the family pet — a shepherd mix named Virgil that they brought to Mexico along with them and is still on the run. He's currently lost in Puerto Vallara, where a $1,000 reward has been offered by authorities for information as to its whereabouts.
• While his mom heads back to Texas, Ethan is currently still in Mexico fighting deportation, which could take several months. In the meantime, he sits (mostly) unpunished in a migrant holding facility where he gets three meals a day, unlimited access to public phones, a television and unlimited healthcare.
If he does get sent back to the U.S., it's likely he'll continue his inexperience with the concept of suffering the consequences of his actions, as Tarrant County District Attorney Sharen Wilson has said that about the worst possible thing waiting for him here is 120 days in jail.
So it goes when the cycle of affluenza is continually buttressed at every turn. If, by definition, Couch is unpunishable because he's never before been punished, this all only reinforces the idea that affluenza is very real. And until he's held accountable for what will be, by all accounts, the first time in his life, Ethan Couch will forever be the buzzy disorder's smug-looking poster boy.