Hey, Ryan Getzlaf and Bruce Boudreau: Stop Embarrassing Yourselves.
Dear Ryan Getzlaf and Bruce Boudreau,
Normally we try not to waste too much of our objects of derision or affection's time, but that considering you guys are preparing to take on the Stars in a pivotal Game Five playoff game tonight, we hope that reading this will take a big chunk out of your afternoon.
And, considering the lack of basic reasoning that each of you guys have put on display this week, we like to think that the chances of that happening are pretty decent.
Far as we can tell, this whole thing started with you, Mr. Getzlaf. Late in the third period of Game One, with you and your mallard compatriots clinging to the last remnants of what had been a four-goal lead, your big, dumb, Canadian mug got caught in the direct path of a Tyler Seguin slap shot.
Hey, we get it: Even though you’re widely recognized as one of the most talented offensive players and centers in the NHL, we can see how it might be important to show off your defensive bona fides by getting your face opened up by a hard rubber disk travelling in excess of 80 miles per hour from time to time. It shows your teammates — players like Corey Perry — that no matter how many slashes to the crotch they dish out, you're still the real man on the squad.
So whatever, that was fine. We were even a little impressed that you managed to play in Game Two, despite your grotesque swelling and the fact that your wife had given birth the night before. It didn't even really bother us that you were wearing a plastic cage on your helmet to cover your face — even if it did make you look like kind of an idiot. We hoped you'd play poorly, but we hoped that of all the Ducks that you captain.
That changed during and in the aftermath of Game Three, though, as you can probably imagine. Somehow, during the series' first game in Dallas, you decided it would be a good idea to start a fight with the Stars wing Antoine Roussel. You weren't defending yourself; you picked a fight while wearing a mask. Setting aside the stupidity of getting into an altercation where someone is likely to punch you in the face when you already have a massive facial injury, starting something when have an unfair equipment advantage is kinda bullshit. It’s like when Barry Bonds would get mad when a pitcher hit him in his dumbass elbow armor. It’s cheap, and it's unbecoming of a player of your supposed stature.
Lucky for us, karma's a bitch: You ended up having to miss Game Four, and now you're questionable for Game Five.
Now, as for you, Coach Boudreau: After the game, we expected you to maybe try to calm your captain down, to tell him a hard-fought playoff series is maybe not the best place to start acting like a petulant child. But that isn't what happened, is it? No, you decided you were going to try and work the refs, saying that the Stars had crossed the line with their physical play — a move that would be a little funny if it wasn't so transparently desperate. You knew the tide was turning — something further evidenced by the Stars' 4-2 thumping of your boys to even the series two days later — so you tried to get some outside help. The whole thing was hilarious. (So, too, were the heroes sitting behind you during Game Four, by the way.)
Look, guys: We really do appreciate you adding so much juice to this series. And we aren't saying the Stars are going to beat you for sure or anything. In fact, we're already on record saying that they probably won't.
We'd just prefer it if you, Mr. Getzlaf, decided that you should continue to nurse your injuries for the rest of the series. And we'd be ever-so-thankful to you, Mr. Boudreau, if you would just shut the hell up and let the play on the ice do the talking.
Stephen Young and the rest of the Central Track staff
P.S. Go Stars!