Dallas’ Craziest Sex Stories.
When coming up with the list questions to put in our survey on the sex lives of North Texans, we decided rather quickly that it’d be important to include some open-ended questions among the multiple-choice ones. Sex, after all, isn’t always a cut-and-dry thing. Adding some fluidity into our formula, we figured, wouldn’t hurt matters.
And it certainly didn’t. But we’ll be honest here: We weren’t necessarily expecting so many of you to be as forthcoming as you were when it came to answering the final — and, as stated, optional — query on our questionnaire, which just came out and asked our subjects to share their craziest sex stories.
We got a lot of bizarre responses to that question. (We also got a lot of fairly boring ones, too: Just to be clear, everyone, if so many of you have had sex at some point in high school while your parents were home, it can’t be that crazy.)
In the below space, we’ve compiled 25 of the weirder stories submitted to us throughout the course of our 16-month survey of North Texas’ sex lives.
• THE GREAT DALLAS SEX SURVEY. // General Citywide Findings.
• BATTLE OF THE SEXES. // How Do Dallas Men and Women Differ When It Comes To Sex?
• SEX IN THE CITY. // How Do Dallas Neighborhoods Differ When It Comes To Sex?
• WRAP IT UP. // All The Sex Facts That Wouldn’t Fit.
Some of these, we admit, are crazier than others. Pretty much all of them, though, are at least a little weird. And, honestly, a few of y’all are legit freaks.
Read on to see what we mean.
26-year-old homosexual male from Lakewood.
“I dated a cop for a couple of weeks. Mistake. He turned out the lights, tackled me, put me in handcuffs, and started playing with his taser. I was naked, handcuffed and a 6-foot-2 giant cop was getting off by scaring me with his taser. There’s a reason cops like to cuff dudes. Just sayin’.”
26-year-old heterosexual female from Lakewood.
“I got so drunk that I took this boy home from a Bryan Street Tavern party. I don’t remember his name. Anyway, as we started hooking up, he started revealing his hidden tattoos. Each one was linked to some batshit crazy Irish gang. I decided just to get it over with and then kick him out. But when he started asking me for instructions — like basic instructions — it became clear that the guy was a virgin. He literally went in and out once and then came all over himself. I ran downstairs and had my sister kick him out of the house. Never again.”
32-year-old homosexual female from Oak Lawn.
“I was in a lesbian wedding and met a girl. We had sex in the bathroom while the brides were cutting the cake. Later, we acted like we didn’t know each other.”
20-year-old heterosexual male from Denton.
“Long story short, I was in high school and invited to a girl’s house for sex. She bailed on it and I was trapped in her closet, hiding, for like three hours. The police eventually came and thought I was a burglar. Shit went down.”
25-year-old heterosexual female from Allen.
“All I can say is that I blame the Yoo-hoo Yeehaw at the Double Wide.”
27-year-old heterosexual male from Oak Cliff.
“All of my fuck tales are classics. I have no shame. I’ve fucked in every building in Dallas. If you rent in Uptown, Downtown, Deep Ellum or Oak Cliff, chances are I fucked there. If you are reading this, you probably know someone I fucked.”
24-year-old heterosexual male from North Dallas.
“My girlfriend and I were having sex under the covers. Then her mom walked in. I jumped to the side a bit — still inside of her — and then mom stayed talking to us for like eight minutes. All the while, I’m pushing it in. The face my girlfriend was making was priceless.”
27-year-old heterosexual male from Wylie.
“I once had sex with a girl in a hot tub while her father was also in the hot tub.”
24-year-old heterosexual female from East Dallas.
“The cops showed up while my boyfriend at the time and I were boning in a synagogue parking lot. The cops pulled the dude out — still naked — and made him sit on the curb. The cop then asked if it was consensual. I told him no — as a joke! My boyfriend still got arrested.”
32-year-old heterosexual female from Wichita Falls.
“I sneezed while sitting on my boyfriend’s face and peed in his mouth. That’s actually true!”
22-year-old heterosexual male from North Dallas.
“I was fucking in the Medical City parking lot when this nurse comes up to the car and confronts me. ‘Wow,’ she said. ‘You could do better than a parking lot. And your girl’s kinda ugly.'”
24-year-old queer female from Mesquite.
“I got trashed at City Tavern with a fuck-buddy on a Wednesday night. He drove me home and I passed out while he was driving. When I woke up, he asked me if I wanted to have sex. I said yes. So we had sex. But I was so drunk that I started throwing up. I opened the car door and threw up a couple of times, then we continued to have sex until we both passed out. We woke up at around two in the morning, parked on the side of some road in Uptown. I went home. He went home. The end.”
26-year-old heterosexual male from East Dallas.
“My high school English teacher saw me at a bar a couple years after I’d graduated and said ‘I’m gonna get you drunk and fuck you!’ Three days later, I made it home.”
23-year-old bisexual female from North Dallas.
“I was 18. There was a guy over 40 that I had a crush on. We left Christmas service at our church to do… stuff. That communion wine will get ya.”
28-year-old heterosexual female from Lakewood.
“I had a one-off threesome with an engaged couple. They ended up being friends with my cousin and then tried being friends with me. They still invite me to Facebook events.”
23-year-old bisexual male from East Dallas.
“I took Viagra X Plus this one time when I was working at Jason’s Deli. My boss still made me take sandwich orders from behind the counter with this hard-on there the whole time.”
27-year-old heterosexual female from Park Cities.
“I was set up for a one-night stand with my now-husband of eight years. All of our friends rented a cabin at Lake Texoma and snuck around to listen in on us through the windows. When we left the room that night, we noticed the bed was about three feet from the wall.”
30-year-old heterosexual female from Carrollton.
“I had sex once in the stock room at Abercrombie & Fitch. Then I got fired. The manager had heard the whole thing on the speakerphone.”
31-year-old undecided female from Frisco.
“I slept with Axl Rose once. He was a complete freak. Fucking Axl Rose is like fucking Axl Rose. Use your imagination.”
29-year-old heterosexual female from Carrollton.
“I gave my new boyfriend a hemorrhoid from a strap-on because I kinda got cray-cray. He only lets me slip a single finger in there now. Wahhh.”
23-year-old female from Oak Cliff.
“I lost my virginity during my senior year of high school while wearing my cheerleader outfit — and a cast for a broken leg.”
19-year-old homosexual male from White Rock.
“One time, while in my parent’s house, I tied my boyfriend to my clothes rack in my closet. He was four years older than me, and I was around 16. Anyway, he was butt naked, tied up and blindfolded. My parents were completely awake and unaware of the fact that I was even gay. Best. Sex. Ever.”
25-year-old homosexual female from Park Cities.
“Once, I forgot my strap-on and really wanted to use something of the sort, so I used a cucumber on my girlfriend. Then I ate it later.”
25-year-old heterosexual male from Richardson.
“At the age of 19, I attempted to fulfill my fantasy of sleeping with an older woman. I met her at a friend’s neighborhood block party. We got drunk and went back to her house, where I discovered that she only had one tit. I decided to proceed and we had sex while my stomach churned — from all the half-and-half, not her breast. I climaxed and came on her chest while a huge fart escaped from my ass all over her stomach.”
24-year-old heterosexual male from White Rock.
“I was upstairs in my bedroom, my girlfriend had just arrived, and we just went right into oral sex. And let me tell you: That shit was great. Well, enough was enough — her words — and she said ‘Just put it in already.’ So, I start putting in work, completely forgetting that I’d ordered some pizza right before she arrived. Then the Domino’s delivery man knocked on the door. I had the cash, so I walked out with the rubber on under some pants and got my food. Maybe this isn’t the craziest story, but it gave me a good laugh because I was wearing one of those fire-and-ice condoms and my penis was just on fire the whole time I was talking to the pizza guy. After he left, I basically just finished up the job. While eating pizza at the same time.”