An Arbitrary Look At What The Stars Have In Store For You.
Welcome to our unlicensed astrological look at the week to come. We are not professional astrologists, we just have gut feelings. Take these horoscopes as you will.
Aquarius (January 20 through February 18)
Too much egg nog is never a bad thing. Unless you're lactose intolerant.
Pisces (February 19 through March 20)
When it comes to presents and sex, it's important to wrap things properly.
Aries (March 21 through April 19)
It's OK to keep your Christmas lights up year-round (if you're in college and still live in an otherwise drab dormitory).
Taurus (April 20 through May 20)
All you want for Christmas this year is world peace? Fuck you, Bono.
Gemini (May 21 through June 20)
People who live in gingerbread houses shouldn't throw scones.
Cancer (June 21 through July 22)
Stop wishing your Jewish friends a Happy Hanukkah. That shit ended over a week ago.
Leo (July 23 through August 22)
Don't bother giving your teenage cousin an iTunes gift card this Christmas. He's on that torrent tip. And, besides, he only listens to dubstep, so you'd just be enabling him.
Virgo (August 23 through September 22)
Listen up, fatty: No need to wait another week before resolving to hit the gym.
Libra (September 23 through October 22)
No one wants to go caroling with you. Sorry.
Scorpio (October 23 through November 21)
WHATEVER YOU DO, AVOID THE NORTHPARK PARKING LOT AT ALL COSTS.
Sagittarius (November 22 through December 21)
Pro tip, for all you last-minute shoppers: Chia Pets never go out of style and they sell that shit at Walgreen's.
Capricorn (December 22 through January 19)
When airing your grievances this Festivus, remember to think of the less fortunate.