Ten Tips For Opening The Most Punk Bar In Town.
Punk is all the rage these days.
Last month, news broke that the legendary New York punk club CBGB, where acts like The Ramones and The Talking Heads cut their teeth, is reopening in the Newark airport as a lounge and bar with $9 fries.
Closer to home, a new bar calling itself Punk Society just opened in Deep Ellum.
From the looks of it, punk will be the hot new trend of 2016. It won't be long before nihilism starts trending and Blink-182 hoodies are the season's biggest fashion trend.
Naturally, we're expecting punk rock bars to start opening up all over the place in the coming months. It's the next logical move, clearly. And because we've been to a Hot Topic once and have therefore seen a punk in real life that one time, we feel more than qualified to dish out all the advice we can on how anyone hoping to hop on this establishment-opening can beat everyone else at their own game and open the most punk bar in town.
Hey! Ho! Let's go!
• Make sure to put “punk” right in the name. Before opening a punk rock bar, think long and hard about what to call that sucker. One thing all good punk bars have in common is that they have the word “punk” right in their names. Like, 90 percent of being punk is putting on airs and proving how much more punk you are than everybody else.
• Get a big neon sign to hang out front. Punks are nothing if not flashy, which you can tell by the electric colors they choose for dying their drastic haircuts. Hanging an enormously garish neon sign out front is like the architectural equivalent of having a nose ring and a Mohawk.
• Make it really clear what you mean by “punk.” The Oxford Dictionary folks say there are at least four definitions of the word “punk.” Depending on the context, it could mean “a criminal or hoodlum,” “an inexperienced young person,” “an admirer or player of punk rock,” or, in prison slang, “a passive male homosexual.” That said, we recommend filling the place with as much gay-looking ephemera as possible, y'know, so as not too attract any hoodlums, underage kids and the like.
• Tag the shit out of the walls. To really attract true punk clientele, you'll want to observe as many authentic punk rock types as you can. For your own safety — and to avoid getting shanked by a switchblade — it's best not to seek punks in the wild, but to instead just watch as many '80s movies as you can. We think you'll quickly notice how often punks are doing things like spray-painting the word “punk” onto random brick walls. Not sure why, but they really seem to love it!
• Rope off as many VIP sections as possible. From the start, the punk subculture has been largely concerned with one's individual freedoms and anti-establishment views. As such, punks were never invited to eat at the quote-unquote cool kids table, and they subsequently find themselves most comfortable when ostracized from the rest “society” while partying in their roped-off little VIP areas.
• Two words: Bottle Service. If there's two things punks are known for, it's being big spenders (have you seen how much leather jackets run these days?!) and for their unquenchable thirst for vodka. By definition, nothing in the world is more punk than flamboyant, gratuitous expenditures.
• Hire the best DJs. The biggest punk band on the planet right now is a couple of
guys robots from France called Daft Punk. If you can't get them to come to your bar to perform live in person, your best bet is to find some DJs that sound similar — or that, at the very least, could just play some Daft Punk at your place.
• Make sure your staff looks the part. You know who doesn't like looking or dressing like everybody else? Punks, that's who. Make sure the public knows how edgy your bartenders are by outfitting them in the T-shirts of edgy bands like Nirvana and Guns N' Roses. A good place to find these is Target.
• Keep it clean. You may have to get a little firm with the staff, but you've got to really make sure they're all showering daily and that the floors are clean enough to eat off of. If, however, you've decided to become a crust punk bar, feel free to skip this step.
• If all else fails, turn the place into a piano bar. Trust us, everybody loves piano bars.