Hear Colin Quinn's Story and Stick To It.

You know you're getting old when the evening news knows more slang words for drugs than you. We suppose that's also a sign that you're probably also starting to reach the age where it's no longer socially acceptable to consume said drugs.

That's probably for the best, though: Synthetic drugs are getting more and more ridiculous these days — and so are the news stories about teens who've consumed way too big a dose of said substances. For example? Well, there's this kid, who ingested a drug known as “Meow Meow” and then proceeded to go batshit crazy, stabbing his own mother and, ultimately, cutting off his own penis.

Doesn't that sound fun? No?

Well, getting old ain't so bad. Besides, there's plenty of good, clean fun to be had this weekend.

Friday
Colin Quinn's Unconstitutional at Wyly Theatre
Does it make Quinn a comedic genius that he's able to find enough humor in a document as dry as the Constitution to warrant an entire show? Or does the fact that nobody else has really ever bothered to try this stunt before make him just kind of funny by default? Either way, after tonight you should theoretically be able to answer the question, “What's the deal with the Constitution?” with little effort. — Cory Graves

North Texas Hip-Hop Showcase at Granada Theater
Was it before or after Complex named Dallas one of the most underrated hip-hop cities in America that people in town started bandying about the term “golden age” to describe the area's obviously surging hip-hop scene? In any case, the fact that a bunch of locals who, for the most part, haven't yet received much attention outside of the area will undoubtedly pack out a venue the size of the Granada tonight is an incredibly positive sign. And, who knows? Maybe if things remain on the current trajectory, this will be the show people point to two decades down the road as the hip-hop scene's big coming-out party. — CG

Dallas Safari Club Convention at Dallas Convention Center
For the next three days, gun nuts and animal rights activists will get along swimmingly. That's due partly to the Dallas Safari Club's annual convention, which will auction off a permit this year for the right to gun down a critically endangered black rhino. Sounds crazy, we know, but scientists say the permit — which is only good for a hyper-aggressive, post-breeding age male rhino known to kill younger, more fertile members of its herd — will actually help increase the species' dangerously low numbers. And that's a good thing. We think. — CG

A Taste of Herb at Twilite Lounge
The area's only Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass cover band performs happy hour sets around Denton almost daily, it seems. That said, it's a much more rare occurrence to catch these guys performing in Dallas — or at a decent hour for that matter. — CG

Who's Bad? at House of Blues
As far as Michael Jackson tribute acts go — and we're assuming there are literally hundreds of them out there, each billing themselves as the “ultimate” one — it's at least slightly less creepy knowing that these guys were doing their thing when the King of Pop was still with us. Whether they still would have been able to sell out London's O2 Arena when Jackson was still alive, though, remains to be seen. — CG

West Windows (Album Release) at Three Links
Hopefully, the third time's the charm for this local outfit that originally tried to hold the release show for its debut effort during #Icemageddon. Fortunately, it's supposed to be unseasonably warm this time around. Opening the show are heavy local outfit Descender and the solo project of Bowling for Soup bassist Erik Chandler. — CG

Trainspotting at Inwood Theatre
Because, in the long run, watching a movie about a bunch of heroin addicts is a much preferable alternative to taking the actual drug itself. For what it's worth, the film has been called the greatest Scottish-made film of all time by more than one publication, although we're not sure how many of those reviewers were actually sober when they saw it. Come to think of it, you don't really have to be sober at this midnight madness screening, either. The Inwood does have a pretty well-equipped bar in its lobby. Just sayin'. — CG

Yells at Eels at AllGood Cafe
A free-form jazz group is not really the type of band I would expect to be called “Yells at Eels,” and I also doubt that they literally yell at eels unless they spend quite a bit of time at the aquarium. Nonetheless, this is a chill group that'll totally provide some added pizzazz to that bowl of rockamole you're probably going to order. — Chelsea Upton

Def Rain, Diamond Age and The Night Game Cult at Dan's Silverleaf
At this show, you get three of North Texas' most misunderstood acts for the price of one — and they'll even throw in some nice visual presentations, too, for no additional charge. — CG

Found vs. Found vs. AV Geeks at Rubber Gloves
For whatever reason, carefully curated found-footage collections have been really gaining in popularity of late. Tonight, three of the genre's most long-founded entities (Found magazine, Found Footage Festival and AV Geeks) will bring their pilfered piles of public access clips, straight-to-VHS crap cinema, and handwritten notes that were absentmindedly left in library books to both Denton and Dallas this weekend. — CG

Waka Winter Classic at Trees
Here's the deal: Five up-and-coming bluegrass and Americana acts will perform at Trees at this show, and one of which will be award by the audience the opportunity to play sometime during the four-day Wakarusa Music Festival that'll be held somewhere out in the Ozarks this June. Conversely, that also means that 80 percent of this bill isn't worthy of being one of the hundreds of bands that'll play at the foothills of an Arkansas mountain later this summer. — CG

Pallbearer, Pinkish Black and Solomon at Lola's
Fun fact: Arkansas' Pallbearer and Fort Worth's Pinkish Black each earned spots in the top ten of Pitchfork's list of 2012's best metal albums. Odds are there isn't another metal bill taking place anywhere in the country on this night that's as critically acclaimed as this one. — CG

Saturday
The Molly Ringwalds at House of Blues
It's not all that unusual for the House of Blues to book cover bands on multiple nights in the same weekend. Maybe that says a lot about the place. Then again, The Molly Ringwalds' website ensures us that these guys aren't just another “cover” band. Because unlike, say, the Spazmatics, who dress up in nerd garb while they cover '80s tunes, these guys dress like members of Devo, Twisted Sister, Pee-Wee Herman and the like when they perform. — CG

Micky & The Motorcars at Gas Monkey Bar & Grill
Fun fact: Micky and Gary Braun, who head up this Austin-based alt-country outfit, are the brothers of Willy and Cody Braun of the band Reckless Kelly. That's one talented family. — CG

Big Iron at Trees
We were grade schoolers at the time but, from what we hear, Big Iron was something of a big deal as far as local '90s metal bands are concerned. The band's website even says that Big Iron sold 20,000 copies of its debut album in Europe, which is, well, something, we suppose. Anyway, the band is reuniting for tonight's show. Lowgear, White Elephant and Sweetooth open. — CG

The Roomsounds at The Rustic
Tonight, the Pat Green-owned Uptown restaurant venue branches out from its country roots and hosts some good old-fashioned local rock 'n' roll courtesy of the long-haired outfit The Roomsounds. — CG

Found vs Found vs AV Geeks at Texas Theatre
See above. Only, instead of taking place at Denton's Rubber Gloves, this one's out at the historic Texas Theatre in Oak Cliff.

The Cush, Year of the Bear, The Silver Saint and Vicious Firs at The Where House
Who doesn't love musical husband-and-wife duos? People who won't be going to this show featuring The Cush, I presume. — Mikel Galicia

Cantina at Outpost American Tavern
Between I Love Math's 2008 Getting To The Point Is Beside It LP and his 2012 John Singer Sergeant debut, we hadn't heard a whole hell of a lot from John Dufilho around these parts lately. Nowadays, though, he's everywhere, performing with his new group Cliffs of Insanity, the occasional Deathray Davies reunion gig, and with I Love Math, which recently changed its name to Cantina. — CG

The Used Art Show and Underground Jam at WAAS Gallery
This show will feature dozens of musical performances, visual art, rap battles, DJs, a fashion show, b-boy battles, dancers, and other things, too, all of which are said to have drawn some sort of inspiration from recycled materials. — CG

Sunday
Charlie Robison at Kessler Theater
Did you just ask yourself, “Didn't he, like, just play there a few weeks ago?” The short answer to your query? No. But Robison's brother Bruce did perform at the Oak Cliff venue with his wife Kelly Willis a few weeks back. For future reference: Bruce is the one that wrote “Travelin' Soldier” for the Dixie Chicks, and Charlie's the one that dueted with Dixie Chicks singer Natalie Maines on “The Wedding Song.” — CG

No Pants Subway Ride 2014
Pants, am I right? They suck. At this event, you can be like all those cool New Yorkers who started the No Pants Subway Ride in 2002 and ride the DART Rail with no pants. But, please, keep your underwear on. — MG

To find out what else is going on today, this week and beyond, check out our events page.

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