Choke On That.

Back in August, Aussie comedian Dave Eastgate was in a pie shop when he says a group of men started making physical threats towards him.

When the police showed up, they found Eastgate standing near the men with his pants around his ankles and charged him with “willful exposure.”

Fortunately for Eastgate, the judge who heard the case had a better sense of humor than the officers that issued him the ticket. After pleading his case this week that his act of exhibitionism was done purely in self-defense, all charges were dropped. It's like Eastgate often jokes in his act: Men instinctively take off their shirts just before fights, when they'd really be best served dropping trou.

Along those same lines, we've compiled a list of the most fun you can have in Dallas this weekend with pants on.

But if you really want to take things up a notch, well, you know what to do. — Cory Graves

Friday
Ex-Hex, Radioactivity, Party Static at Dada
Named after her 2005 solo LP, Mary Timony started up Washington D.C. power trio Ex-Hex in 2013 — not long after her punky super group Wild Flag (which featured two-thirds of Sleater-Kinney) dissolved. No worries; the unapologetic rock outfit, though, she's repeatedly said, is the most fun band she's been in to date. Local punk “supergroup” Radioactivity and the always fun Party Static open. — CG

Tone Bell at Addison Improv
Tone is funny. We know, because that's the URL of his website. You may recognize Bell as RJ the bartender on former NBC sitcom Whitney, then again, judging from the show's ratings and subsequent cancellation you may not. That's OK, Bell's real bread and butter was always the random observational humor he employs during his stand-up sets. He'll be in town all weekend. — CG

DFW Art Awards at Latino Cultural Center
We get the feeling that the Basement Gallery's first-ever DFW Art Awards ceremony will be less about the actual awards presentation process as it will a celebration of the past year's brightest art achievements. To that end they've already been announcing the winners of said awards on their Facebook page. Good. Now that all that's out of the way we can all just show up and drink. — CG

Pennywise at Gas Monkey Live
For SoCal punk rockers Pennywise, 2014 marked something of a return to form. The band released its 12th studio LP, Yesterdays, which saw the return of frontman Jim Lindberg after five years away. The album also features several anthems penned back in the '90s by the band's late bassist Jason Thirsk, who took his own life in 1996. Anti-Flag and A Wilhelm Scream round out this bill. — CG

Drag the River at Three Links
A member of the class of '90s punks that went country in the '00s, Drag the River is an alt-country act that includes members of All, Paul Rucker & the Nobody's and Armchair Martian. Come to think of it, most of the musicians in the similarly twangy opening acts (read: J. Charles & the Trainrobbers, RJV & Hell County Revival, The Hazardous Dukes) have played in rock bands at one point or another, too. — CG

Damon Wayans at Arlington Improv
There's a lot of Wayans out there. Damon was one of 10 brothers and sisters, many of who are also famous. For instance there's Shawn, Marlon, Keenan Ivory and Kim, all of which got their start on In Living Color alongside Damon. Guess that doesn't help out much. He's also the father of Damon Jr., who plays Coach on New Girl, which also isn't necessarily relevant. The Major Payne star is well-established stand-up, which he'll prove tonight — and all weekend long — out in the 'burbs. — CG

Carolyn Wonderland at The Live Oak
Multi-instrumentalist blues bombshell, Wonderland, hails from Austin (via Houston) and sounds like a Texan through and through. Most often her vocals are compared to brassy Port Arthur native Janis Joplin and her ax-slinging ways are said to closely emulates that of Oak Cliff-raised Stevie Ray Vaughan. — CG

CMT: Ultimate Kickoff Party w/ Toby Keith at Dallas Convention Center
Toby Keith has a long history with football. For two years the burly country superstar played with the Oklahoma Drillers of the USFL, later his song “Shoulda Been a Cowboy” was adopted as the official anthem of the Dallas Cowboys and his video for “How Do You Like Me Now?” was set on a football field. Fitting, then, that it's a football game — the NCAA's first-ever CFP Championship game between Ohio State and Oregon, which will go down Monday night at Jerryworld — that brings him back to town. Lady Antebellum (with special guest Aloe Blacc), Big & Rich, Brett Eldredge, Jake Owen, Thomas Rhett and Maddie & Tae also perform at this televised, CMT tailgate party. The always hilarious Rob Riggle hosts. — CG

Two Tons of Steel at Double Wide
By its name alone, Two Tons of Steel is a band I'd want on my side during a fist fight. For what it's worth, this San Antonio-based rockabilly and Texas country hybrid play “louder and faster” than other similar sounding outfits. To wit: you're just as likely to hear an Elvis cover as a Ramones tune at this one. Kinda sums up the Double Wide's whole aesthetic, actually. DANK and Slow Moving Snakes open. — Chase Whale

School of Rock at Inwood Theatre
Later this month, when this year's Oscar nominations are officially announced, you can bet Richard Linklater will land multiple nods for his 12-years-in-the-making Boyhood. Around the same time he began work on that film, he also started work on his most successful effort to date, 2003's School of Rock. That one didn't take nearly as long to complete, and unlike Boyhood, the film's biggest star, Jack Black, is a guy that refuses to grow up. — CG

Def Rain, Lily Taylor, Moth Face at Crown and Harp
Like an Italians Do It Better cut on Valium, Lily Taylor's “Across the Hills” is a song that's in no rush to get anywhere quickly — and thank goodness for that, as Taylor's voice meshes so gorgeously with the music that you never want it to end. At some point, it'll have to, because there are three other bands on this bill, the much-hyped Def Rain and Moth Face, and jakkkechan, the solo noise project of Dallas Distortion Music's Evan Henry. — PF

Atomic Frolic Naughty New Year Burlesque at Kessler Theater
Burlesque and the Kessler. A mix of the naughty and the nice. Now in its fifth year, this holiday-themed show should be a crowd-pleaser, for sure. This La Divina production will feature Elle Dorado, the Current Queen of the New Orleans Burlesque festival, among others. — CG

Holy Moly at Henderson Avenue Country Club
The team behind McFadden's continues its weekend of Grand Opening shindigs at its new Henderson Ave honky tonk/barbecue joint with a performance from Fort Worth heavy hitters Holy Moly. You really can't go wrong with an upright bass in the mix. — CG

Saturday
Jonas Martin (Album Release) at The Prophet Bar
Things are pretty solid in Goodnight Ned's world these days. Back in July, the five-piece roots rock outfit put out its sophomore album to positive reviews. So why, of all times, is Goodnight Ned's Jonas Martin releasing Chokecherry Jam, his debut solo album, right now, just as his main band's starting to gain the traction it's been waiting on? To hear him tell it, it's because he kind of had to. The material he'd penned for his own voice — tracks he's quite proud of, and rightfully so — rather merited it. And, to a degree, he was just sick of sitting on the pile. “Goodnight Ned is an ultra, ultra collaborative effort,” Martin says, explaining his own solo desires when reached by phone this afternoon. “No one song in Goodnight Ned is written by any one individual. When you're collaborating, a lot of decisions are made through debate. And that's fine — there's no good or bad way to do it, and I like both ways. But these songs are all mine.” Oil Boom and Wesley Geiger open. — Pete Freedman

Mineral at Dada
The Austin emo legends have only played a small number of dates on its current reunion tour, its first since calling it quits in 2007. And after a European run next month, they'll hang it up again. In fact, tonight's show marks the band's last-ever U.S. show. Josh T. Pearson leads things off with a pretty rare appearance of his own. — CG

Jason Isbell, Sturgill Simpson at Winstar World Casino
In an era when the Jason Aldeans and Luke Bryans of the world have made country music the butt of most every music joke, Simpson's music is a breath of fresh air. His latest, which bears the misnomer Metamodern Sounds in Country Music sounds like a batch of lost Waylon Jennings tunes recently discovered in an attic somewhere. While many in the industry are calling him the genre's savior, Sturgill's awe shucks demeanor is a dead giveaway he's not concerned with any of that. Rather, he's just interested in making some really damn good country. In any case, he's worth the measly hour-and-twenty-minute trip North to catch him play live. — CG

Totally '80s at Granada Theater
Though the minds behind Coachella have managed to reunite Outkast, At the Drive-In, Siouxsie and the Banshees, The Pixies, Rage Against the Machine, and Jesus and Mary Chain in recent years, there's not a chance in hell they'll ever repeat the feat by scoring the oft-rumored reunion of The Smiths. That said, this set from local tribute act Panic might be the closest you'll get to ever seeing Morrissey and Johnny Marr play together again. Oh well. As a consolation you'll also get to see fake versions of The Cure and The Cramps, and that's, well, something. — CG

Lincoln Durham at Cambridge Room
It's one thing to command an audience's attention so masterfully as a solo performer under normal circumstances. It's an entirely separate beast to pull of the feat standing all by one's lonesome on a huge, outdoor festival stage. That's just the kind of performer Austin fiddler Lincoln Durham is, though. Wrote Pete Freedman in a review of Durham's performance at last year's Clearfork Festival: “His blues-influenced solo swamp rock reverberated gloriously across the grounds as the performer, alone on stage, stomped an overheating crowd into submission.” — CG

“PRTY PPL” at Circuit 12 Contemporary
Two's company, three's a crowd, and a room full of artists all of whom are showing off new works is, well, more like a party. This big ass group show is curated by Josh Reames and features pieces from Ted Gahl, TJ Donovan, Keith J Varadi, Luis Miguel Bendaña, Carmen Price, Cody Tumblin, Ron Ewert, Tisch Abelow, Cody Hudson, Jim Drain, Chloe Seibert, Bea Fremderman, Mike Rea, Arthur Pena, Brian Scott Campbell, Steven Vainberg, Francisco Moreno, Geoffrey Todd Smith, Sofia Leiby, Henry Gunderson, John Phillip Abbott, Austin Eddy, Greg Ito, Ryan Travis Christian, Scott Wolniak, Ethan Gill, Eric Fleischauer, Jessie Edelman, Eric Shaw and Amber Renaye. It runs through Valentine's Day, but you'll surely want to get in on the action this weekend. Party on, indeed. — CG

Astronautalis at Three Links
The highlight of most Astronautalis sets has to be the point where the emcee takes several suggestions of topics from audience members and then weaves them into a geniusly crafted freestyle just moments later. That might not, necessarily, be the case at tonight's show, though. Astronautalis, who has been in town for several days finishing up the mixes of his latest record with John Congleton, promises he'll be debuting tons of brand new material at this one. Booty Fade and Playdough also perform. — CG

“Tales Neither True Nor False” at 500x Gallery
Sheryl Anaya, Jessica Fuentes, Laura Garcia and M. Kate Helmes' newest works are informed by their own, autobiographical experiences, or half-truth versions thereof. The exhibition opens tonight and runs through February 1. — CG

Thera Roya at Double Wide
Brooklyn doom metal outfit Thera Roya headlines tonight's Double Wide bill, along with Dallas hardcore band Wildspeaker and Fort Worth doom metal group Bagger. — CG

Lenny Kravitz at American Airlines Center
We're not really sure when huge athletic events coming to Arlington also brought with it three days of big name performers to Dallas, but we're not complaining. Sure, catching that guy from Hunger Games playing a Flying V doesn't carry with it quite the same weight as a free Bruce Springsteen concert, but, hey, it's something. — CG

A Taste of Herb at AllGood Café
These guys are kind of a throwback version of what you typically see from the Denton music scene. As such, this Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass tribute act can normally be found reviving the sound of the '60s around the Square — and, in the process, attracting everyone from silver foxes, college kids with beards and everything in between. Tonight, they'll bring their surprisingly faithful act to Dallas. — Porttia Portis

Toology at Trees
Last summer, Tool explained to Rolling Stone that the reason it hasn't been able to release any new music for the past eight years because of a drawn out court battle that's cost the band millions. And it doesn't look like that legal battle will end any time soon, either. That said, it's safe to reason this Tool tribute is probably as close as you'll get to seeing the real thing for a good long while. A Rage Against The Machine tribute opens. — CG

Reagan James at The Prophet Bar
Sixteen-year-old Reagan James proved herself a fierce competitor on the recently wrapped seventh season of The Voice. Gwen Stefani even told the Burleson resident she had a, “God-given gift.” Perhaps you'll agree. Moses Uvere, Marquita Burke De Jesus, DJ Overcomer and Jenn Petersen also perform. — CG

Joakim at It'll Do
Classically trained pianist and record collector, Joakim, is big in the French electro scene thanks to remixes for big names like Charlotte Gainsbourg , Air , Tiga , Goldfrapp , Cut Copy, his influential Tigersushi label and for borderline experimental mixes that incorporate everything from rock, disco, metal, world music, acid techno and house music. — CG

Punch Drunk Love at Alamo Drafthouse
Sandler is known these days for taking fat paychecks to pump out shitty comedies that cater to anyone who will laugh at fart jokes and punch-in-the-dick gags, but after a career-defining performance in Paul Thomas Anderson's weird and amazing Punch-Drunk Love, he showed the world he can act when he wants to. If only he felt like more often. — CW

Sunday
Sting at American Airlines Center
Sting was the frontman for a rock band called the Police until he quit doing that to do whatever the hell he wanted to. He acted a little, did a bunch of yoga and got really good at having sex for a long time. And thanks to college football he'll be in town singing not quite Rock and Roll Hall of Fame-worthy songs for you. — Jeremy Hughes

Dallas Cowboys vs Green Bay Packers Watching Party at Granada Theater (Free)
The temps at Lambeau are supposed to be in the teens for the Cowboys and Packers' Divisional Round playoff matchup this afternoon. Fuck that. We hear it's supposed to be a whole hell of a lot warmer at the Granada. — CG

Rhapsody On A Theme Of Paganini at Meyerson Symphony Center
Aside from Rachmaninoff's virtuosic concerto will be the Dallas premiere Mason Bates' Liquid Interface, Chavez's Sinfonia India and Dvorak's Symphony No. 7. Sunday marks the final performance. — CG

Netherfriends, Chipper Jones at The Prophet Bar
Unlike Sufjan Stevens, who gave up on his 50 states project only two albums in, Chicago native Shawn Rosenblatt — who performs under the name Netherfriends — saw his, slightly less ambitious 50 Songs 50 States project through to the end. Rosenblatt, who tours almost continually, wrote and recorded a song and performed a live show in every state during a one-year period between 2010 and 2011. Sure his Texas song might be about a show he played in Austin, but try not to hold that against him. Through the use of multiple looping pedals he's able to create massive-yet-intricate soundscapes. It's all pretty remarkable, really. — CG

To find out what else is going on today, this week and beyond, check out our events page.

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