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When the cat's away, the mice will play — or so goes one of the oldest adages in the book.

Well, when the Queen is away, her Royal Guardsmen will pirouette. Unfortunately, when the Queen gets back it's off with their heads.

Probably.

Lucky for you that Dallas isn't under the monarchy's rule. So feel free to dance wherever the hell you may please this weekend. — Cory Graves

Friday
Pinback, Tera Melos at Trees
Melodic San Diego indie rockers Pinback might be the headliners here, but we'd put our money on rhythmically-complex live improvisations of Cali prog punks Tera Melos stealing this show. Peep the delightfully odd, new video for the band's song “Sunburn”, which was released just yesterday, for a taste of what's in store. — CG

Brad Paisley at Gexa Energy Pavilion
Like it or not, pop country has continued to grow in popularity since the late '80s — and especially since Paisley almost singlehandedly eradicated racism earlier last year. So get out those designer boots and overly pristine ten-gallon hats for this one. Relative newcomers Randy Houser, Leah Turner and Charlie Worsham open. — Jessica Petrocchi

Whirr at Dada
Lose yourself in Whirr's loud, ambient sound at Dada. The California shoegazers sound a lot like guitarist Nick Bassett's last project, Deafheaven — albeit without all the screaming vocals. Make no mistake, though, that's a good thing. Bring your earplugs to this one: Even before the headliners take the stage openers Things of Earth and Clear Acid will throw down an aural gauntlet of their own. — Stephen Young

“The Chocolate & Art Show” at WAAS Gallery
When looking over this art event, chocolate really sold it. But if you head over to the Facebook page, it lists all of the things going, which includes (but not limited to): nude body painting. Not sure if you've seen this before, but you should watch this happen once in your life, y'know, for scientific purposes. It's pretty titillating. — Chase Whale

Bill Bellamy at Arlington Improv
Relive the '90s with Def Comedy Jam and MTV alum Bill Bellamy. Of note: Bellamy is credited with creating — or at least being the first to say on TV — the term “booty call.” C'mon, Dallas. We owe him at least a few ticket sales for adding that bit of shorthand to the lexicon. — SY

Gilbert Gottfried at Hyena's Fort Worth
Recently we tracked down a copy of the sixth season of Saturday Night Live. Widely regarded as the worst in the series' 39-year history, the largely forgettable season was marked by an almost 100 percent cast and writer turnover from Season 5 and is one of the few seasons not overseen by creator Lorne Michaels, who briefly went on hiatus that season, too. Worth tracking down a copy of your own for, though, are gems like Charles Rocket's infamous F-bomb on the Dallas-themed episode, Eddie Murphy's earliest televised performances and a Gilbert Gottfried so young he hadn't started squinting or stopped using his real voice. — CG

“Draped Up & Dripped Out” (Closing Artists Reception) at Oak Cliff Cultural Center
If you can find some time Saturday evening, I'd highly recommend that you check out “Draped Up and Dripped Out (Part 1),” which features works by a collection of contemporary Houston artists curated by Giovanni Valderas at the Oak Cliff Cultural Center. It's a great example of how a group show can be more meaningful than the sum of its parts. — Darryl Ratcliff

Taxi Driver at Inwood Theatre
Listen, you fuckers, you screwheads. Yes, I am talking to you. Martin Scorsese's magnum opus on fighting crime in a mohawk is back in theaters this weekend only. Come fist-pump as a young Robert De Niro takes out a hotel full of New York scum. Kick-Ass and all of those other silly vigilante-esque flicks ain't got shit on this. — CW

Life After Beth at Texas Theatre
The sassiest and perhaps most confident film company to spit out some of the most eclectic films this year is A24. Some of the films they are responsible for: Obvious Child, The Rover, Locke, Enemy and Under the Skin. Their latest outing is Life After Beth, a zom-com starring Parks and Rec.'s Aubrey Plaza. It's playing all weekend at Texas Theatre. — CW

No No: A Dockumentary at Texas Theatre
No No was a hit (pun intended) at this year's Sundance Film Festival. It focuses on Dock Ellis, who, in the '70s, famously pitched a no-hitter on LSD. The film focuses on the controversy surrounding this epic event, and his years helping others stay clean. It, too, is playing all weekend at Texas Theatre. — CW

ArtCon Presents: Telegraph Canyon at Kettle Art
You wanted more Art Conspiracy, and now you've got it. The cleverly named ArtCon(cert) series continues its aim of pitting popular local acts in unconventional, intimate settings as it sets Fort Worth's Telegraphy Canyon and Jacob Furr at Deep Ellum's Kettle Art gallery. — CG

Free Week at Rubber Gloves
Your second-to-last chance to catch a free show at Gloves this week will feature Burnt Skull, Jungle Ruckus, Chinaski and The Fury. It's fun to live in a college town, eh? — CG

Dark Circles Contemporary Dance presents “Beautiful Knuckleheads” at Hardy and Betty Sanders Theatre
Three award-winning choreographers — Dark Circles Contemporary Dance founder and artistic director Joshua L. Peugh, plus guest choreographers Mike Esperanza and Chadi El-Khoury — have joined hips for “Beautiful Knuckleheads,” a dance number that looks at human connections through innovative combinations of classical technique and modern movement styles. — CW

Party Static, Supersonic Lips at The Foundry (Free)
If you're going to potentially pigeonhole yourself with a word like “party” in your band name, you sure as hell better exude the very “no fucks given” essence that such a word implies. Fortunately, Party Static's debut EP — which is full of impudent talk-y vocals, siren-like screams, fuzzy bass lines and songs that range from bratty (“I Want”) to reckless (“Sex in the Neighborhood”) — most certainly finds the band living up to its name. For our money, the band's live show is one of the best in town, too. The likeminded SuperSonic Lips also perform at this free, chicken-friendly show. — CG

Bobby Patterson, The Relatives at Fred's Café (Free)
In what just might be the bill of the weekend, Dallas soul/gospel outfit The Relatives continues its 30-years-in-the-making comeback following the release of last year's The Electric Word album, and matchless Dallas soul legend Bobby Patterson starts up something of a comeback of his own on the strength of the widely-praised I Got More Soul LP he released back in July. Free show or not, seeing these Dallas treasures perform live usually proves a pretty moving and wholly worthwhile venture just the same. — CG

Bullet Machine at Three Links
It's really hard to top Dallas pop punk outfit Bullet Machine's own description of itself. Says the band: “You know what moxie is, kid? Moxie is when your best friend is torn apart by creatures from the deep, and you just let him go and steer your boat right into the fight. Moxie is when space vampires blow through town, leaving everyone you love dead, and you strap on a bandolier, fill it with stakes, and hit the road for a little old fashioned vengeance. Bullet Machine – full of moxie, and ready to roll.” You think you can top that? Good luck. Tonight, they will be shredding with SonsOfBitches, Responsible Johnny and Bad Times. — CW

EDM Glow Party 2 at South Side Ballroom
Like glow sticks? Organizers of this, “The Biggest EDM Glow Party in Dallas,” promise there will be thousands of those suckers at this thing. And DJs. And a thousand of the most sober dancers you've ever been around. Probably. — CG

Saturday
Linkin Park, 30 Seconds to Mars, AFI at Gexa Energy Pavilion
It would be interesting to find out how many hundreds of times California horror punks AFI have been misidentified as a goth punk outfit in print over the years. To be fair, though, the band's dark fashion and intermittent glam influences has played a huge part of how the band has been perceived by both fans and the press in its 23 years together. In that time the band's released nine albums, and likewise, frontman Davey Havok's gone through at least that many hairstyles. At this show AFI opens for that guy from Stone Temple Pilots' other band and Jared Leto's piercing blue eyes. — CG

Aretha Franklin at Winspear Opera House (Sold Out)
What you need, yeah, she's got it. Believe us, the first-ever female inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame still commands plenty of r-e-s-p-e-c-t these days, as evidenced for one by tonight's sold out show. — CG

“Worst…Art Show…Ever!” at Epocha
With The Simpsons still fresh on the edge of the collective conscious thanks to the recently-wrapped marathon in which FX aired the complete series — all 522 episodes — back-to-back for 12 straight days, the timing of this Simpsons-themed local art show couldn't be more perfect. This one opens tonight and runs through the 28th. — CG

Totally '80s Night at Granada Theater
Though the minds behind Coachella have managed to reunite Outkast, At the Drive-In, Siouxsie and the Banshees, The Pixies, Rage Against the Machine, and Jesus and Mary Chain in recent years, there's not a chance in hell they'll ever repeat the feat by scoring the oft-rumored reunion of The Smiths. That said, this set from local tribute act Panic might be the closest you'll get to ever seeing Morrissey and Johnny Marr play together again. Oh well. As a consolation you'll also get to see the fake Cure, and that's, well, something. — CG

Free Week at Rubber Gloves
Putting the finishing touches on yet another of Gloves' free, yearly back-to-school offerings this week is In Memory of Man, The Spectacle, Vinyl and Cruella — CG

Cody Canada & the Departed at Gas Monkey Bar and Grill
For better or worse, alt-country figurehead Cody Canada pretty much single-handedly helped kick off the red dirt country scene. Now, backed by the harder-rocking Departed, he's pretty much picked right back up where his previous outfit, Cross Canadian Ragweed, left off. Chad Sullins and the Last Call Coalition kicks things off. — CG

Star Wars Night at Globe Life Park
The fact that the Rangers are on pace to lose 100 games this season be damned, there's still at least a few reasons to head to the ballpark tonight. The first 15,000 through the gates tonight will receive a free R2-D2 beanie, characters from the franchise will appear at the game tonight, throwing out the first pitch among other things and the game will be followed up by a free post-game fireworks show set to music from the films. May the force (out) be with you. — CG

NEEDTOBREATHE, The Oh Hellos at South Side Ballroom
See these bands like you've never seen them before — that is, while enjoying air conditioning. To wit: The last time you probably caught either one of these acts it was on at outdoor stage in the Texas heat. NEEDTOBREATHE appeared the first-ever Suburbia music festival, and The Oh Hellos were just at KXT's Summer Cut a few weeks ago. — CG

Red Bull Air Race World Championships at Texas Motor Speedway
This weekend, a rather high-velocity affair will be coming to Fort Worth's Texas Motor Speedway complex as Red Bull welcomes a spate of international flyboys to the region to participate in its annual Air Race World Championships. You've seen this sort of thing before — in TV commercials, if nowhere else — wherein aerial daredevils compete with one another by flying jets through obstacle courses at impossibly breakneck speeds. The whole thing's pretty nuts — not to mention sort of a weird way to get one's rocks off. But, hey, you're not the one up there thrill-seeking, and, from the comfort of the TMS stands, the whole thing should make for quite the spectacle, especially for any Top Gun fans out there. — Pete Freedman

Gilbert Gottfried at Hyena's Dallas
The former voice of the Aflac duck will be squintin' and screamin' in Dallas tonight. — CG

13th Floor Fest at Dada
Just like it did with last weekend's King Camelversary event, Dada will host another mostly local music festival this Saturday. The aptly-named 13th Floor Music Fest is a planned celebration featuring several acts that frequently appear on bills put together by Dallas promoter 13th Floor Music. Appearing on that bill will be Dead Flowers, Goodnight Ned, Cody Jasper, The Birds of Night, The Venetian Sailors, Crypt Trip, Drug Animal, Leon Bridges & The Texas Gentlemen, PVC Street Gang, The Paychecks,The Van Sanchez and “four very special acts will be announced the day of the show.” — CG

Unyapped at The Loft
To celebrate its second anniversary, Dallas animal rescue organization Dallas Pets Alive teamed with the Untapped folks for this adorably-named, dog-friendly beer and music fest. And what good puppy dog wouldn't dig live sets from French 75 and Goodnight Ned? — CG

Bloody Knives at Double Wide
Austin's dark and heavy shoegaze/industrial act Bloody Knives tops a lineup that also features Austin's iiLL, Denton's Def Rain and Dallas' Little Beards. — CG

The Most Good Music Festival at Panther Island Pavilion
Panther Island Pavilion is a fine facility. And, since opening a few years back, it's very much grown into itself, too, evolving from the parking lot-oriented space it once was to the full-on massive open field venue that it is today. Listen: With its permanent stages and sprawling set-up, there's a reason this place has become the go-to hosting spot for countless Fort Worth fests — so much so that there's practically one hosted here on the banks of the Trinity River each and every weekend, dead bodies found nearby be damned. And for the second week in a row the site will play host to yet another music festival. This one will feature Stoney LaRue, Jack Ingram, Mike and the Moonpies, Folk Family Revival and more. — PF

Men of Fairmount Carwash at Chat Room Pub
Some of the male members of Fort Worth's hip Fairmount neighborhood will put their “average good looks, and glistening beer bellies” to use this weekend as they Speedo up and get sudsy while raising money for a member of the neighborhood who was recently diagnosed with Leukemia. We hear mayor Betsy Price is planning on getting her own ride hosed down at the event, too, if you're into snapping shots of politicians in not-really-that-scandalous situations… — CG

Dallas Photo Walk at Fair Park and the West End
Photographers Mark D. and Mr. Holga are going on a long with in Dallas and want you to come with them. Amateur picture taker? That's OK, you are encouraged to come, too. All you need to do is purchase a DART day pass, and bring your camera and film. Lots and lots of film. Check the link above for exact times and locations. — CW

Sunday
Drake vs Lil Wayne at Gexa Energy Pavilion
For the three years in a row now, the faux Ghostface Killah named Drake to his Softest Rapper in the Game list. We imagine he'll continue the running gag when he puts out his new list come this November, too. Even if he does, though, we imagine that huge amounts of mainstream pop appeal, last year's Platinum-selling album and a huge tour alongside Lil Wayne will make it pretty easy for the former Degrassi star to shake the haters off. — CG

Dallas Cowboys vs San Francisco 49ers at AT&T Stadium
Whether you head out to Jerry World, your favorite local bar or your buddy's tailgate party for the first game of the Dallas Cowboys' 2014 campaign, just know the hometown team faces an uphill battle in its season opener. Not only did the 49ers appear in last year's NFC Championship game, but a Cowboys defense that was the worst in franchise history last year lost its best players in the offseason. Yikes. Real talk: there was a reason that Jerry Jones' off-the-field exploits earned far more press than anything the team did at spring training this year. — CG

Alien Ant Farm at Trees
Hey, it's that “alt-metal” band from the '90s that covered Michael Jackson's “Smooth Criminal.” — CG

New Orleans Saints Watching Party at Twilite Lounge
Unlike a lot of other bars that suddenly turn Irish when St. Patrick's Day rolls around, or worse, all New Orleans-y when Mardi Gras is going down, Twilite sticks to its New Orleans dive theme year round. Seriously, though, it takes guts to show Saints games when everybody else has got the Cowboys game on. To that end, they don't totally shun the hometown team at Twilite, I mean we hear they did just add Johnnie Walker Blue on ice to the menu. — CG

Marnie Stern at Shipping & Receiving
Indie punk's reigning queen of shred will bring her Eddie Van Halen-channeling finger-tapping guitar heroics to Fort Worth's Shipping & Receiving. Dallas distort-pop trio, Blackstone Rangers, which is working on another new record, opens. — CG

The Local Hang at Double Wide
Central Track's bossman Pete Freedman will be hanging tough at Double Wide tonight. What is a Local Hang? Glad you asked. Freedman will be playing nothing but the best of the best local music while those who show up to this on sip on the $3 you-call-its. Just come hang, OK? — CW

Strand of Oaks at Three Links
On name alone, Strand of Oaks sounds like it'd be a bad Bon Iver ripoff, but not so: This band bears sonic kinship with your classic bar-rock outfits. Actually, Denton's own Slobberbone's not a bad comparison, just subtract some of the alt-country flavor for more of an MOTR flavor. Probably the closest to hearing “Born to Run” live that you'll come across all weekend long. — PF

Daphne Willis at The Rustic (Free)
Daphne Willis is a Chicago-based Folk&B (a genre we, admittedly, just made up to describe her folkly R&B hybrid sound) artist with Texas roots that's been making quite the name for herself of late. Aside from being the favorite musician of Texas Rangers radio broadcaster/music aficionado Erid Nadel, she'll also appear at Billy Bob's for Monday's Do If For Durrett concert/fundraiser benefitting the family of recently deceased ESPN writer Richard Durrett. You can rub elbows with Nadel and even win an inning in the booth with the Hall of Famer at that one. — CG

Cover photo by Mikel Galicia. To find out what else is going on today, this week and beyond, check out our events page.

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