Remembering The Lives of The Goaticorn, The 2012-13 NHL Lockout, Soul 73 And More.
Each week, dozens of memes, trends and pop culture items die quiet, unceremonious deaths. We'd like to publicly give these dead trends the proper memorials they deserve. Then, we kindly request that we never speak of them again.
Goaticorn, born October 31, 2012 returned home January 5, 2013. Born on Halloween, Goaticorn was very much fans of tricks and treats. And though she too so loved to dance, she will not be remembered for being particularly great at it. A brief memorial will be held this weekend at Granada Theater. In lieu of flowers, the family asks that everyone please get as many #fartbutt tweets up on Granada's Twitter wall as possible this weekend in her honor.
The 2012-13 NHL Lockout
The 2012-13 NHL Lockout, born September 15, 2012, met its end on January 6, 2013. It was 113 days old. The generally disagreeable sort always insisted on getting its way. In the end, The 2012-13 NHL Lockout eventually learned the hard way that a life absent of compromise is one nobody else will end up giving two shits about. The 2013-13 NHL Lockout was preceded in death by parents Gary Bettman's Likability and Donald Fehr's Willingness To Compromise, older siblings The 1994 NHL Lockout and The 2004 NHL Lockout, and offspring The 2013 Winter Classic, The 2013 NHL All-Star Game, and 625 Games Of The 2012-13 NHL Regular Season. It is survived by A Shortened Season, A Decline In The Sales Of Molson, and A General Sense Of Apathy Towards The Oft-Maligned Sport.
Larry The Cable Guy Tater Chips
Born March 2012, Larry The Cable Guy Tater Chips bit the big one January 3, 2013. Now that's funny, I don't care who you are. Perhaps that was inappropriate. Lord, I apologize to the Pygmies in Australia. Larry The Cable Guy Tater Chips will be greatly missed. Larry The Cable Guy Tater Chips was preceded in death by grandparents You Might Be A Redneck Jokes and Doritos 3Ds, parents The Blue Collar Comedy Tour and Burger King's Ketchup And Fries Chips, and an army of overweight sleeveless siblings including Doritos Late Night Cheeseburger Chips, Mozzarella Sticks And Marinara Pringles, Pepperoni Pizza Lays, Legendary Philly Cheesesteak Ruffles, Heinz Ketchup Chips, Burger King's Flame Broiled Chips, Pumpkin And Spice Pringles and, the black sheep of the family, Kale Chips. He is survived by distant relatives Pop Chips, Zapp's Voodoo Chips, Salt And Vinegar Kettle Chips, Cool Ranch Doritos, An MSG Overdose, Miss Vickie's Jalapeno Chips, Pretzel Chips, and nemesis Healthy Snacks. In lieu of flowers, the family asks that donations be made to the Git-R-Done Foundation.
Soul 730 KKDA-AM
Soul 73 KKDA 730-AM joined the choir invisible on January 2, 2013, at the age of 42. After decades of pleasing Dallas citizens with endless spins of Al Green's “Let's Stay Together,” Soul 73 finally succumbed to the bittersweet reality that this is the “Gangnam Style” world that the rest of us now live in. In the end, it proved too much for the already fragile Soul 73 to take. Soul 73 was preceded in death by Q102, The Zoo, Sunny 97.1, Merge, The Mighty 1190, Bobby Patterson's Show, The Millie Jackson Show, The Bone, The Zone, The Twister, Wild 100, JAMZ, Coax 105, and The All Beatles Station. It is survived by Dallas Korean Radio, A Truckload Of Disillusioned DFW Soul Fans, A Handful Of Confused Grandparents and Hundreds Of New Spotify Premium Account Holders. In lieu of flowers, the family asks, “Does anybody know what the heck these new DJs are saying?”
Rob Ryan's Cowboys Stint
Rob Ryan's Cowboys Stint, 2, passed on to the next life on January 8, 2013. The White Lion inherited the worst defense in the NFL and will be remembered for putting them on his back and carrying them to mediocrity. His last words before passing were, “I'm too damn good.” Rob Ryan's Cowboys Stint was preceded in death by Buddy Ryan's Legacy, Rex Ryan's Foot Fetish, The Ryan Family's Inflated Sense Of Ego,and Rob's Big Book Of Trash Talk. He is survived by A Middle-Of-The-Pack Defense, A Poor Tackling Squad, Jerry Jones' Wasted Dollars, A Month's Worth Of Sports Talk Radio Fodder and Rex Ryan's Tattoo of His Wife Wearing a Mark Sanchez Jersery.