Dallas Had No Disguise For That Double Vision This Week.

Welcome to D-Rated, our weekly feature that tries to determine if things are looking up or down for Dallasites by arbitrarily assigning point values to current events.

Hold on, player: Deion and Pilar Sanders' divorce dominated the news cycle this week, and as testimony in court included Pilar accusing Deion of basically chokeslamming her through a glass door. About the only thing not included in the outlandish trial? A testimony from WWE superstar Kane in which he explained what a chokeslam is, exactly. Minus 2.

School pride: U.S. News & World Report announced this week that Dallas boasts two of top three public high schools in the country. DISD's School for The Talented & Gifted even came in first. The School for Everyone Who Isn't Talented & Gifted didn't rank. Plus 2.

DWI or Die: NBC 5 news anchor Jane McGarry was arrested on DWI charges over the weekend after being pulled over at 3 in the morning for failing to signal a lane change on the Dallas North Tollway. Next: Sports! What's new with the Cowboys, Newy? Minus 3.

Dancin' Grandma: 55-year-old Sharon Simmons made headlines after trying out to become a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader this week. Interestingly, news outlets were less concerned with her ability to remember to take her Aleve in the morning, to finish dinner by 5 o'clock ability and to fall asleep with her TV on sleep timer and Wheel of Fortune on the screen. Plus 5.

You can't spell smut without SMU: Men's Health ranked Dallas as the 15th smuttiest city in America this week because a lot of people in Dallas like to buy and look at porn, apparently. Also, National Georgraphic revealed this week that the sky is still blue. Minus 2.

Thunder struck: The Oklahoma City Thunder swept the Dallas Mavericks in the first round of this year's NBA Playoffs, meaning the Mavs won't repeat as NBA Champions. But, hey, they're still the reigning champs for, like, another month or so. Minus 4.

Catch a tiger by the toe: The Dallas Cowboys traded up in the NFL Draft last week to select LSU cornerback Morris Claiborne with the No. 6 overall pick. Cowboys fans celebrated the need-filling move for 15 minutes before realizing that Claiborne isn't the LSU corner nicknamed “The Honey Badger,” just some other guy who played with him. Plus 6.

Country strong: Toby Keith's I Love This Bar & Grill will open its first Dallas location on May 15. With any luck, Garth Brooks' Friends in Low Places Pub could be next. Plus 3.

Shake ya retail feather: Dallas retail employees make more money than retail employees in other parts of the country, the CW33 reported this week. Congrats, kids who skipped college! Plus 4.

Cool degree, bro: Dallas is a top 10 city for college grads, says Rent.com. And it's the No. 6 city in the country for finding employment, says Forbes. Congrats, kids who went to college! Plus 6.

Mall drats: NorthPark Center announced this week that it will no longer tolerate teenagers hanging out at the mall after 6 p.m. without parental supervision. Food court restaurants prepare for massive drops in dinnertime sales. Minus 6.

These motherfucking snakes: Turns out, because of the mild winter, more and more snakes out and about this year in Dallas than usual. Samuel L. Jackson isn't amused. Minus 3.

Last week's total: Minus 6.04.
This week's count: Plus 6.
This week's running total: Minus .04.

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