The Week Dallas Deserved, But Not The One It Needed Right Now.
Welcome to D-Rated, our weekly feature that tries to determine if things are looking up or down for Dallasites by arbitrarily assigning point values to current events.
Nice outfit: Earlier this week, the Arlington Police Department helped a 7-year-old boy with leukemia fulfill his dream of becoming Batman for a day, staging plots by The Joker for him to foil. Meanwhile, local comic book nerds bemoan the City of Arlington for not properly following Batman chronology, arguing that Bruce Wayne's parents didn't die until he was 8 or 9. Plus 7.
They can really shred: In Dallas, Comerica Bank set a world record for shredding the most paper in a 24-hour period. Former Enron higher-ups wonder why they didn't think of that. Plus 4.
Tip drill: A Dallas firefighter reportedly left a $20 tip for the teller at the bank he robbed this week. All in all, not a bad day for the teller. Plus 20.
Re-LAX: On his flight from DFW to LAX, noted Dallas Maverick pariah and reality star Lamar Odom was seen wearing the colors of his former team, the Los Angeles Lakers. Thousands of sports talk radio fans in town cry foul, and Vince McMahon, CEO of the WWE, threatens to sue Odom for pretty much directly stealing a D-Generation X plotline from circa 2001. Minus 7.
Mustang Larry: 71-year-old basketball coach Larry Brown — the only man to win championships in both the NBA and NCAA — has reportedly agreed to become Southern Methodist University's men's basketball coach. In related news, we'd like to congratulate the Jewish population of the Park Cities for doubling in size. Plus 1.
Talent is wasted on the youth: A four-year-old drummer from Odessa was booked this week to perform as the halftime show for the City of Allen's professional indoor football team. Area bands have been teasing their drummers for days as a result. Plus 4.
Hips-turds: Out of 35 cities examined, Travel and Leisure magazine this week ranked Dallas the worst city in America for hipsters. Residents of Exposition Park issued a statement in response, saying that they “didn't even know Travel and Leisure was still around” and “like, whatever, we stopped reading it after the second issue they released, anyway.” Minus 35.
Last week's running total: Plus 5.96
This week's count: Minus 6
This week's running total: Minus .04