I Give Zero Pokes.

I recently met a Scandinavian woman who has been couch-surfing through America. I think I'm in love with her because she reminds me of Bjork. How can I convince her to make my couch the last one she surfs?
— Lustful in Lake Highlands

Couch-surfing! I've never actually tried that! One time, though, I went armchair-surfing. I just went to all of my friend's houses and read magazines on their armchairs until they kicked me out.

My favorite armchair belongs to my friend Stephanie, as it's roomy and not too firm. I thought about buying my own armchair, but I'm afraid I haven't been able to find one as good as Stephanie's.

Until I do, I'm making fun of her design aesthetic so she will eventually become so embarrassed by her furniture that she will give me her armchair.

Anyway, since this girl reminds you of Bjork, you need to make your couch particularly appealing to people like Bjork. Paint it weird colors and duct tape things like plates and blenders to the back of it. Or move your couch outside, maybe. Or just sell your couch and draw a circle on the ground. That's otherwise known as a “sleeping circle,” and it sounds like something Bjork would like, I think.

I'm in dire need of a haircut, but two of my bros recently got the same haircut that I kind of want. Should I get the same haircut so we can all look alike, or would that be two weird?
–Shaggy in The Cedars

You want to get the same haircut as two other people? That does seem strange to me.

One time, a girl I work with got a haircut that was similar to mine, and I had to “fix” it for her so it didn't look like the blatant haircut ripoff that it was! She was pretty mad.

Nowadays, I cut my own hair. And, I have to say, it's pretty unique. The only other people I can think of with my same haircut are the members of the fictional band in Almost Famous.

I think, instead of getting a haircut like your friends, you should get a haircut like your enemies. Taunt them with your adaptation of their haircut. Make them feel inferior because the haircut looks better on you.

I forgot to tell my friend “Happy Birthday” on her Facebook wall, and when I saw her next, she gave me a cold shoulder. What's my next plan of attack? A poke?
— Pokin' Around in Uptown

Please don't poke her. That's a weird thing to do.

On the scale of “weird things” that I just made up, poking is somewhere between murdering chickens for fun and inventing a new game called “Marco Pollo” where you try to find the bodies of the dead chickens you just murdered while blindfolded.

I'm sure your friend is very upset, though. Facebook is serious business. One time, one of my friends didn't like one of my status updates about my wooden birdhouse collection, and now he's dead to me. I mean, first of all, wooden birdhouses are the best. If you were a bird, and you were shopping for a new home, you'd see my wooden birdhouses and be like “Damn!” in that way that shows that you are impressed with something's grandeur.

Instead of writing on her Facebook wall, I suggest that you go to where she lives and that you write on her actual wall.

I'm sure she'll find it funny enough to forgive you. Or weird enough to have you arrested.

Got a question for the Narcissist? Email here at Chelsea [at] CentralTrack [dot] com.

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