Enough About Me. What Do You Think of Me?

Dear Nice Lady Who Tries To Solve Other People's Problems,

My best friend is a jerk. He and I have been friends since we were three years old, but I'm just kind of sick of him. He really loves pushing people's buttons, lying, exaggerating truths, arguing, arguing with opinions instead of facts, cats, astrology, ancient Egypt, not spending any money on anything, watching bad movies and roast beef sandwiches. I really enjoy not being bothered, honesty, being lazy, not arguing, facts, having a beard, making ginger ale, the Internet, watching bad movies and eating roast beef sandwiches.

Speaking of movies: I currently have the sequel to the film The Wicker Man at home from Netflix. Not the “Not the bees!” Wicker Man with Nicolas Cage, but the amazing original starring Christopher Lee. It's been sitting on my kitchen counter for over two weeks now, unwatched. Mainly because I'm torn. I know this “friend” of mine would absolutely love to watch it with me, and it seems blasphemous to watch it without him, but I also don't really want to deal with him.

Do I need to cancel my friendship with him?
–Anonymous

Oh, I have seen parts of the “Not the bees!” Wicker Man with Nicolas Cage! It's weird how much pleasure I got from watching him be attacked by bees.

I think the last Nicolas Cage movie I saw was National Treasure. Y'know, the one where he and Diane Kruger team up to solve a series of complex riddles that Uncle Sam and Captian America provided for them. I saw that movie in a theater, and I remember that day pretty well because the theater was out of Snowcaps and that was total bullshit.

You mention that your friend likes Astrology! This gives me an idea: Instead of telling him you don't want to watch the movie with him, you should find who writes the astrology column of the paper (or, uh website) he reads. Then, bribe that person with as many boxes of Snowcaps as you can find, and convince them to write a special astrological reading for your friend that says, “Never Watch Christopher Lee movies” or, if you're looking for more permanence, “Break up with all of your friends.”

That way, you won't really have to worry about that guy anymore!

Also, if that doesn't work, you can move!

I need a narc assist.

My memory sucks like a… y'know… the thing that sucks a lot. It'll come to me.

It didn't used to suck. I had a steel trap elephant brain only a few years ago. I have all sorts of things to blame: age, drinking, diet, drugs,apathy, atrophy, etc. But one thing I heard about MDMA (the drug people used to call ecstasy) is that it eats holes in your brain. I never went apeshit with the stuff but I did indulge about once a month for a year or so. Could it be the source of my mental meagerness?
–Skatterbrained on Royal Lane

Steel trap elephant brain, huh? Is that a thing you want? It sounds like a horrific medical condition. Speaking of horrific medical conditions, I have a pretty serious case of carpet burn. I was doing my morning “Stop, drop, and rock 'n' roll” practice, which is when you stop, fall to the ground and then pretend you're Paul Stanley. It's always super-fun until you get carpet burn.

I googled “things that eat holes in your brain,” and discovered that the world is a nasty and gross place. I immediately forgot about your question, and then played a few rounds of Mario Kart. After that, I went to the store to see if they had anything that could help me with my carpet burn.

Then I remembered your question again. And I did a little bit more research.

Turns out, even in small amounts, ecstasy can affect your memory. My advice is just to forget that you did ecstasy.

Then, when you're trying to remember why you forgot, you won't be able to remember and subsequently you will forget that you forgot.

Dear Narcissist,

Yesterday, I was playing catch with someone and managed to throw my phone out the window onto a moving milk truck. Currently, I am in a panic! What if someone calls me?! Or, worse, texts me! People will think I am flaky and one of those people who never reply! Any advice on fixing my lack of phone dilemma?
— Phoneless in Seattle

Wait. You were playing catch with your phone? How irresponsible!

I only play catch with tennis balls and dumbbells. Well, that's not entirely true.

One time, I played catch with my dog, and we couldn't find a tennis ball or a dumbbell so I just threw my sister's Wii remote. That's the most expensive game of catch I've played, if you exclude the time my friend Ross didn't catch the dumbbell and he had to get his foot repaired.

I'm kidding! I don't really have a friend named Ross! I broke my own foot.

I empathize with you, though, because I have lost my phone many times. Instead of worrying about people thinking that you're flaky, you should realize that this is a wonderful opportunity for you to take a well-deserved break from your “friends.”

They should know that you have other priorities. Priorities like not responding to their text messages.

Got a question for the Narcissist? Email her at Chelsea [at] CentralTrack [dot] com.

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