Welcome Back, Me!

Dear Large Number of Rabid, Faithful Readers Who Depend on My Column as Their Sole Source of Friday Entertainment and/or Saturday Entertainment if They Are Too Busy on Friday To Read My Column,

You might have noticed my absence last week. That was because I was on a cruise, and the boat did not have Internet access. I thought about having someone answer questions in my place, but I don't think anyone else would do a very good job. Actually, I think anyone else would make a pretty big mess of it!

The cruise was pretty fun. I spent a good chunk of the time at the buffet trying to stack those little cheese cubes into a model of a three bedroom apartment that I would like to own one day. I would use one bedroom for myself, one for my pet rock collection and one as a “guest bedroom” in case any of those raccoons come back!

The cruise was fun, but after I ate my cheese apartment, it was time to return. It's good to be here!

So I've been trying to quit smoking cigarettes, and I bought one of those e-cigarettes to do so. The problem is, when I smoke the e-cigarette, I feel like a massive tool. The cool thing about it, I guess, is that you're allowed to smoke them indoors — but then you just get weird looks.

Lung cancer is better than looking like a tool, right?
— Breathless on Bryan Street

Dear Breathless,

Have you tried convincing your friends that e-cigarettes are the future? To aid in this endeavor, try to wear space pants and over-enunciate your words.

Sometimes, people aren't as savvy about trying new products as you and I clearly are, so they just need a little push.

It took my friends months to realize how incredibly practical my umbrella hat is. I wear it daily now because I'm always on the lookout for “flash floods.” Day after day, people inquire as to why I feel it necessary to wear an umbrella hat on a sunny day.

It wasn't until I was out of town and under the bridge involved in the infamous “Dave Matthews Band poop dumping incident” that everyone finally conceded my secret genius.

Every Sunday, my friends and I like to hang out at the FOE. The last two weeks, I've run into the same cute boy. Each time, we've talked for several hours. We seem to be hitting it off! But it started to occur to me that he never leaves the pool to go to the bathroom, even though he's constantly drinking.

He's peeing in the pool, right? Is that a dealbreaker?
— Waterlogged in West Dallas

People are always asking me about dealbreakers! It's funny; I think they require a deal to be made in the first place.

He would have to come up to you and say, “I promise not to urinate in this pool while I'm speaking to you henceforth,” and then you'd presumably shake hands in a serious fashion. Only then, if you were to catch him peeing in the pool, would it be a dealbreaker. I think what you're really asking is this: Is a man who pees in a pool worthy of love?

I don't swim in pools, so I'm not really certain what the big deal is. I prefer to frequent mud puddles — preferably ones that have that really good, soggy mud that hurts people when you throw it in their face. One time, I hit this girl named Sandra with some mud, and she was a real jerk and called me a “mudslinger.” That was really rude of her because she knew that “mudslinging” referred to malicious comments (usually of a political nature) and not literal mudslinging. I haven't seen Sandra since then, but whenever I see women with a similar freckle formation as her, I get a little upset.

When I'm upset, I usually eat those bagels with jalapenos in them.

To answer your question, though: No, peeing in pools isn't a dealbreaker, because you haven't made a deal. Next time you talk to him at the pool, wear your best deal-making suit (black and white stripes, gold zippers), and formally request a “no peeing while conversing.” If he concedes to this, then you pee in the pool. Just like that, he'll know that you call the shots in this relationship.

I've been crushing on this cute artist in town, and he had a show at a gallery this week. I'm not really into his artwork, but his stuff isn't very expensive.

Should I buy a piece so I can get a piece (if you know what I mean)?
— Uncultured in Uptown

I don't think you should buy a piece of his art. Instead, offer to buy his watch.

That way, you have a handy watch and he has enough money for at least a few packs of American Spirits (or an e-cigarette, if he's from the future).

I used to be an artist, y'know. I was sort of at the forefront in the Far North Dallas Dadaist scene.

Well, it was really just me and this other guy named Richard. Richard collected a year's worth of toenail clippings and used them to spell “GOD SAVE THE QUEEN” on a blown-up photo of Angela Merkel.

I am not sure that he knows that Angela Merkel is the Chancellor of Germany, but, regardless, it was a powerful statement!

Got a question for the Narcissist? Email her at Chelsea [at] CentralTrack [dot] com!

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