Why Don't Dogs Like Me? I'm Awesome.

Dear Narcissist,
I have a problem with my dog. He likes to constantly “mark his territory” whenever I take him out for a walk. I know dogs typically do this, but it's getting pretty embarrassing. Is there anything I can do?
— Pissed in Plano

Dear Pissed,

Unfortunately, my dog experience is limited. But I did once own two pet rocks named Sally and Frederick. They were relatively well behaved, and I did enjoy their company, but eventually I had to put them up for adoption. I had just bought a house in that small town where Footloose is set, and, as we know, rock is not allowed there.

To research your question, I went to spend an afternoon in a dog park.

I thought I'd have a lot to report to you, but I was quickly pressured to leave after I kept catching all of the Frisbees. (Note to everyone: If you don't want me to catch your Frisbee, don't throw it around in my vicinity.)

I didn't give up, though. I spent the rest of the evening watching Oliver and Company. I was pretty impressed that, when the dog sang, he sounded just like Billy Joel. That's one talented dog! And, to think, all your dog can do is pee on things.

Anyway, as for your dog's urine, I wouldn't be too concerned about that. The world is your dog's toilet! If the problem really bothers you, though, consider taking dog-training lessons like everyone else.

Dear Narcissist,
My friend and I grew up together, and we've always been really close. People used to think that we were sisters! The problem is, we've gone to different colleges. We're still geographically close, but the time spent apart has really taken a toll on our friendship. Is this natural, or should I be fighting harder to keep my friendship?
— Unsure in Oak Lawn

Dear Unsure,

Hey, I'm in college, too! I guess that means we're three peas in a pod. Don't worry, I've already gotten started on the invitation to our future joint-birthday party.

Are you OK with a “Steampunk Gargoyle” theme? How about Twister? It's my favorite party game. I always win at Twister. I change the rules to “first person who falls wins” — and then bam! I win every time! Unfortunately, the gaming commission sees this version of Twister as “illegitimate,” so I have yet to receive the trophies and accolades I deserve.

As for you and your friend: Yes, you are drifting apart, which is just what two people usually do when they are forced to put more effort into their friendship.

Sometimes these things are just natural.

Dear Narcissist,
A few days ago, I started to receive mysterious, anonymous texts to my cell phone. I asked for the person's identity, but they just kept saying it was a secret. What's weird is that they seemed to know a lot about me. After three long and stressful days of trying to figure out this person's identity, I finally met her at Homegrown. We talked for half an hour. Would it be weird to start a relationship with a former stalker?
–Uneasy in East Dallas

Dear Uneasy,

This person is not very good at keeping secrets. Why would they message you with the clear upper hand and then give that all away by meeting you? Terrible secret keeper, that one!

Me? I'm really good at keeping secrets. My friend Becca told me one time that she had an intense physical love for Gogurt packages that was, frankly, a little unhealthy. To this day, I haven't told anyone!

I also never told anyone that my sister is adopted.

Yeah, you could say I'm pretty trustworthy.

But on to your question: I don't think it's weird. Because she wasn't technically stalking you.

I mean, sure, it seems like a pretty inept way of flirting. But if that is “stalking,” then somebody better tell Jeff Goldblum that I am stalking him!

(Actually, please tell him. Tell him it's Chelsea again.)

So, no, it's not weird at all. I would know.

Got a question for the Narcissist? Email her at Chelsea [at] CentralTrack [dot] com.

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