I've Never Had a Bad Haircut.

Dear Narcissist,
My boyfriend recently got a new haircut, and I hate it. I hate it so much. I fantasize about shaving it all off. It's really that terrible. I've tried to casually mention to him that I don't like that particular style, but I don't think I've found a way to communicate my intense loathing of it. Thoughts?
— Shear-Free in Oak Lawn

I've never had a bad haircut. (All haircuts look good on me.)

But I've had a lot of friends who have had terrible haircuts. The way to handle that situation is oh my god shut the hell up because nobody cares about your opinion on how they stylize themselves unless they explicitly asked for it.

I mean, seriously, what were you going to do, hire a skywriter to spell out “That bowl cut is wack, BB,” and then dramatically point to it with your index finger in an over-acting, swooping motion? Hire one of those birthday greeters who bring balloons to bring him some hair-cutting scissors and softly whisper “Fauxhawks are super douchey…” into his ear?

Here's an idea: Maybe you should give yourself a really nasty haircut so you can feel a little bit better about his. Maybe one of those half-shaved Skrillex styles or, if you're feeling really daring, an ironic mullet.

If you give yourself an ironic mullet you can have a terrible haircut and a way to pretend that you have a sense of humor. You can walk into parties and just be like “Oh, hey. Look at my mullet!” and everyone will laugh and nobody will think it's dumb at all.

Trust me.

Dear Narcissist,
Should I get a dog? I'm a really lonely person and I have no friends.
— Sadbro in North Dallas

Yes, sadbro, you should totally get a dog. Dogs are awesome and they are pretty good friends, as long as you hate it when your friends speak in English and you don't mind your friends pooping on your stuff every now and then.

My dog and I have this really cool bond where he knows that he can't lick himself in front of me because that is gross. Also, he needs to take his man-business to the doghouse where it belongs.

My dog and I also do pretty cool fun stuff together, like go get ice cream. Except a lot of the ice cream places don't want me to bring my dog in, so I have to hide him under a sheet and pretend that he's a piece of luggage with legs. Unfortunately, nobody buys their luggage ice cream, so my dog never gets any, and I think this has put some tension in our relationship.

Real talk, though: If you have no friends I suggest joining some sort of group. Maybe you can get a dog and then join a group for dog-lovers and then have a really big fun dog playdate with all of your dogs. Maybe start an online profile like Diane Lane in Must Love Dogs.

Just don't hookup with John Cusack because his Twitter account is weeeeeiiiiiiirrrrrrdd.

Dear Narcissist,
How do I stop myself from banging my head on a desk every time someone makes an end-of-the_world joke?
— Tired of It in Uptown

Stay away from desks?

Got a question for the Narcissist? Email her!

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